Don't know what to do about DD

[RedxRobin]

I'm at a bit of a loss about what to do with DD's behaviour. Since starting school (she's 5), the teacher constantly tells me at pick up that DD struggles with sitting in circle time & constantly disrupts things. DD has found it harder to pick up reading & says she hates phonics although the teacher says she is doing well.
She can be very strong willed and is much harder to discipline than her older brother, who is generally a lot calmer. Sometimes she will act up or hit her brother just to get a reaction from us. I should say that she is a lovely girl, she loves playing with her dolls and is very caring to our cats. It's just sometimes she struggles to behave.
DD can get very emotional as well when we tell her off. She will often say that no-one loves her, she finds it hard to live in this world. Her brain tells her to be naughty. We give her lots of cuddles and reassure her how much we love her but she does get very anxious.
She told us yesterday that she now has a behaviour chart at school to try and persuade her to behave properly although I am not sure if it is having very much effect.
I don't know what to do to help support her. I have high anxiety and depression issues and I am scared that she has inherited some of those and I don't want her to have the issues I have. Any ideas/support greatly appreciated

My daughter is similar and we’re pursuing an ADHD referral; have a read about how it presents in girls and see what you think.
School are doing some work with my DD about emotions and have a nurture club and I referred ourselves to school nurse to see if they have support they can offer although can’t say I was overly impressed by them.
Im reading the whole brain child book and im trying to respond to some of the behaviour with sensory toys and quiet time. This has slowly worked and rather than losing her temper she will take herself off and I will often go with her as this time away isn’t a punishment

That sounds a lot like ADHD although she's too young to assess (in my area at least).

What support does she have at school other than a behaviour chart? Wobble cushion, fidget toys, movement breaks, kick bands on her chair?

I would initiate a talk with the SENCO and say that your daughter is showing signs of ADHD (the over emotional response to being told off is a classic sign just as much as the inability to sit still) and ask whether she needs an assessment for an EHCP. In the meantime ask if the low-cost supports such as wobble cushion and kick bands can be implemented to see if that helps and if it doesn't she may need support from a TA to help her focus. Other things that might help would be yoga poses - in year 1 my child's class had a brilliant teacher who got them all doing yoga poses between subjects which worked to manage transitions as well as restless children - and the zones of regulation, which is a free resource.

I'd also be reassuring her that everyone's brains and bodies work differently, and that some people need to move around more than others, but it's important to know when it is the right time to move around and when you can't. Some people find that easy to learn and others find it harder, just like some people find art easy and some people find sport easy and others find it harder. I would avoid framing it in terms of being bad or naughty as it sounds from your post as though you're not sure she is doing it deliberately.

I’ve also learnt to think ahead about what might trigger my DDs anxiety or poor behaviour and try to have strategies - being prepared for what a day will entail really helps.
In terms of the school stuff though you can’t control how she is in school and if there is something underlying then a chart is not going to help - sensory items are more likely to help her to manage sitting. Ask what strategies they’ve thought of and involve senco if needed

Hi OP - sorry to hear about your DD having a tough time.

I agree with the PPs about speaking to the SENCO as it seems like the school isn’t doing the best job of communicating with you.

For example, if they had’ve spoken to you, they would’ve found out that she loved cats! Something they could maybe use to personalise her work and make phonics sessions more interesting for her…or as an incentive on her chart.

Do they ever relay anything positive that she’s doing at school?