Feeling like I need some breathing space

[Bebele]

I have one gorgeous DD she’s 6 months and I adore her. I’m a stay at home mum and unlikely to work anytime soon (probably not until any children we have are well into school and that’s if ever). We are in a fortunate financial position which makes that possible.
My DH and I have several local prep schools in mind for her (she’s on the waitlist for all) but none of them have a nursery for before age 3.
Like I said, I adore DD but I feel like I need some breathing room, I was very active before DD playing tennis, going to adult ballet classes etc. I miss this. I also have very little time for personal care, while I have a hair dresser and nail tech who come to the house (I don’t dye my hair so this isn’t so difficult), I do miss the experience of going into town and getting some personal care time.
DH and I have agreed I should go back to the ballet classes, these are in the evening so he can have DD for some time just the two of them and I can go and do my thing. It balances out as he plays a fair amount of golf and that’s a whole day activity rather than just the evening.
However I’d still like to fit in tennis, more so in a couple of months when the weather is nicer and some time to just take a breather.
I suggested we look at a nursery for maybe 3 mornings a week, tennis once or twice and some time to just be alone for me!
DH seems a little annoyed with the idea saying she’s so little and the reason I’m a stay at home mum is to look after her, if I don’t want/plan to do that I should go back to work and we will get a nanny. He also says he’s looked into to it and there aren’t many nurseries who accept children for such a small amount of time(9-1 M,W,F).

AIBU to feel like I just need a little breathing space? Is it selfish or fair? Is there an alternative to nursery I should be looking at? Is he right and such short hours would be hard to find?
I really adore DD and he’s making me feel like I’m being selfish and not putting her first.

No it’s not selfish, having a young child especially a baby is a full time job. It is mentally, physically and emotionally demanding and sometimes extremely overwhelming to the senses. I constantly feel touched out and lots of mums do.

I can see what your DH is saying if you are suggesting 3 mornings a week, as you are the childcare essentially, he funds the family and you take care of the home and kids. So asking for him to also fund external childcare is obviously going to raise an eyebrow. However I totally agree you do need time as a mum and as she grows having the company of other children is very beneficial.

A compromise would be better. One morning for now to get her settled and then move to 2 when she’s a year and gradually move up from there? Could that work?
Play tennis once on a weekday morning and once on a weekend morning? Maybe one eve during the summer?

Sorry to your question, nursery’s do tend to have a minimum and in my experience it’s one day but that can be split across two half sessions usually. You really need to call around some local places to find out your options.

Childminder is what you need. I think 3 mornings a week is a bit much to ask him. I would probably do 1 full day maybe at first. Or 2 mornings. YANBU but she is tiny, I would probably wait til she was at least 10/12 months old to be honest. In the mean time find evening classes and evening hair/nail appointments maybe when hes at home to cover. Do you have grandparents who would have DD during the day for a bit maybe for you to do tennis?

Thank you, I don’t know (or at least don’t think) funding is the issue. I have personal savings I’d happily use for this as I’d rather that than spiral and it impact my mental health to a point which is harder to return from.
I want to put as little pressure on DH as possible as I know he works hard for us. So another evening would seem unfair, and we have Sundays as a family day, no tennis, no golf just being together. Saturday in the summer he will almost definitely be golfing most weeks.
I thought 3 mornings was a fair compromise and eventually when DD was maybe 18 months/2 up one to a full day, then when she starts the nursery associated with the school we pick probably 3 full days a week?
Obviously none of that is set in stone.

You're not being unreasonable wanting some breathing space as being a full time parent is bloody hard, but your husband isn't being unreasonable either - being a SAHP is primarily to provide childcare without paying for a nursery, and few nurseries could accommodate those sort of hours, Can you pursue your hobbies at the weekend? You don't say why you don't want to go back to work but I went part time and loved it, you get the best of both worlds.

I do think it's unreasonable to not be bringing in a salary, yet still want to spend money on childcare. You already do quite a lot just for yourself- ballet, hairdresser, nail tech- which is a lot more than any other parent of a six month old I know.

I am also a stay-at-home mum (to a 13 month old) and I do understand how full on it is, but I just make the most of my baby's naps to have alone time. I'm afraid that's just part and parcel of parenting.

No grandparents local, both sets are hours away.

Please dont buy into the family day. If saturday is his day then sunday is your day. You are off work to cover his working hours.

Set it out like that and see if he changes his position on you getting a few mornings to yourself. Currently you get no time alone, it's all childcare, family day or an exercise class.

The point is you both deserve downtime, him from work and you from childcare. That's either splitting the weekend or finding time in the week.

Its not unreasonable to expect him to do more than 2 hours per week of babysitting (yes, babysitting) because I'll bet you sort out clothes, schools, routine, nappy brands, nights and do the bulk of the heavy lifting on the family day, hence he doesnt want to do it alone.

Explain to your DH since you are both tied up during the week - you childminding and him at his work, then Saturday’s are obviously for you both for leisure time - so every second Saturday you will be out for a chunk of the day doing your own thing. Why should he play golf every Saturday ?

You’d be better off going back to work since your DH seems to want to dictate what leisure time you can have.

I'd also call his bluff and say I'm looking for a 9 hour a week job doing cleaning or checkouts or something and therefore we need to fund childcare for those shifts and you'll have Sunday as a day off. You can alternate cancelling your sunday day to yourself with cancelling his golf day so that you have a family day.

I do enjoy our day as a family, this is when we do bigger days out, always eat on on Sundays, it’s nice and not something I want to lose.
Most of our mornings are relatively low key affairs as it is, maybe a walk and we have baby groups on Tuesdays and Thursday which is why I left those free but it’s lots of just sitting around, playing a little so I feel like in the grand scheme of things DD would probably get more from a nursery in the morning than she does with me.
Where as I do think family time on a Sunday in enriching for us all.

Childminder.

I had twins and I put them into childminder at 9 months two morning a week because frankly I needed the sleep.

I was a stay at home mum until they went to school but you do need a break now and then and as long as you can afford it (and you clearly can) do it.

My kids stayed there until three when they started pre-school. They loved her and the other kids there and she broadened their life.

I dont doubt it is enriching but if you dont put it on the table for negotiation then you have no leverage.

It's pretty much your only negotiation point because I can tell you DH doesnt want to parent alone and the threat of that is what will get you those mornings.

I suggest you keep to yourself how valuable family time on a sunday is to you or your husband knows he can carry on golfing without considering your feelings.

It's all about a balance of needs. Yours, your DH's and your DD's.

It's not selfish to want/need time to yourself, but I think to put a 6-month old into nursery three mornings a week so you can play tennis is too much about your needs at the detriment of your DD and DH. 6 months is young to be starting nursery and I wouldn't be going down that route unless it was really necessary. Your DD just needs to be with you as much as possible at this age, as you are her primary caregiver.

Do you have any crèche facilities at a health club or leisure centre? When my eldest was a baby, I used to meet with other mums for a buggy run twice a week. When the babies got to about 9 months, they got a bit frustrated with the time in the pushchair. They were all crawling and wanted to be on the move. We put them in the leisure centre crèche for an hour and had a training session on the track. That was the first childcare I ever used.

Another idea. Do you have a friend with a similar aged child who you could go into town with? One of you could go and get your nails done, the other goes to a soft play cafe, then you swap. Babies need to be cool with this. Probably wouldn't work for everyone!

(I'm not a personal care kinda gal; I'm assuming it's about 30 mins to get nails done rather than 3 hours!!!)

I know this isn't helpful and well it's bitchy so I'm so sorry but bloody hell I'd love your problems 😂

Childminder for 3 mornings a week and don't you dare feel guilty!

You don't have to be a martyr in order to be a SAHM you know!

The thing is that your husband gets plenty of time to himself. Time in the car or on the train in the morning and evening. Lunchtimes. A break for coffee. You don't have any of that. Maybe he should do a full week without any breaks and see how that feels?

If he is allowed to fuck off and pay golf all Saturday you can fuck off and do whatever you want.

Your DH considers you to be the nanny/maid/hired help.