Struggling - 9yrs without sex

[Blossom4538]

It’s been 9 years, married, like best friends.
I fell for someone else who has now moved away - nothing happened, just what seemed like mutual chemistry and comforting hugs. Our feelings were never discussed - perhaps it was just from one side.

Adore H, but sex is definitely not on the cards. My marriage is over isn’t it. Im
so sad but not sure I can carry on like this. H knows how Im feeling and trial separation has been discussed. Not straightforward as
we have children with additional needs.

Im mid 40s and not getting any younger.

feel so sad…

Why is sex not likely? Has your dh seen a doctor? Or just doesn't want to?

at 40 I would struggle with that. You can't spend another 40 years feeling dissatisfied.

What's his reason? Buy yeah it's over if you are not mutually happy.

He is not that into sex and never has been really.

I know he wants to try but I can’t and don’t see him that way

I do love and care about him though

I have nothing useful to add here, except to say that I am in exactly the same situation, OP.

Sending you a handhold

I'm a similar age and whilst it would definitely make me sad to be ok they situation, I wouldn't leave for that reason alone as long my husband made me feel loved and attractive still in other ways. I know that lots of people would find absence of sex a deal breaker and it's fair enough but I feel like I could learn to live with it. What I couldn't do without is the emotional connection and sense of being adored (that's a quite strong word! I guess I just mean physically appreciated).

It does sound like it yes.

It is sad.. but there will be lots of joy on the other side, so I would get things moving forward if I were you

How easy is it to meet someone else though at my age?!

we don’t even kiss and no intention. We hug and work well as a team, laugh together etc. We lead quite stressful lives

I left my DH after a long marriage age 47 and met the love of my life the following year. Never looked back!

How did you meet?!

It’s so hard as I do care for my H, we’re best friends, more probably - but this has been on my mind for 2 years now. I am financial dependent on him and don’t currently work due to caring commitments.

our children have additional needs too and are very anxious - I’m worried about such a big change…but I don’t want to get old with regrets and would never cheat on H - although became a little close to someone recently.

I have had around 50k inheritance recently…

Spot on. Leaving someone isn't easy, it can just bring up a different set of problems.

There is no guarantee of pure happiness with someone else either.

Nobody is perfect.

God, are you me? I've had 16 years of this. Early 40s. It is now becoming an issue I am no longer prepared to accept. Everything else is pretty ok. I feel so stuck and so sad.

Have you discussed why your DH isn’t interested in sex? Is he worried about performance? ED/PE? Depression?

if he is just not interested in sex but you would prefer to stay, would an open relationship be an option? If it’s just lack of sex that is an issue you could find people to have no strings sex with on lots of internet sites or swinger clubs. That way you can have your sexual needs met while still maintaining a home life with DH and DC

Not exactly the same, but similar situation. I stopped wanting sex (for many reasons) and realised my relationship was over. It wasn’t a relationship anymore, there was (and may never be) a person who ‘gets me’ on such a personal level and if we didn’t have kids (also with additional needs) maybe I would have stuck it out for companionship. But as difficult as the unsettling few weeks after we separated were for them, it was honestly for the best. Kids need to see their parents happy within themselves however the family structure is set up. I did have a ‘hook up’ (😳) with a friend of a friend, didn’t want anything else and Im still trying to figure myself out in all honesty. But it wasn’t right to carry on in an affectionless relationship for either of us. I’d take the leap, as scary as it can seem.

You love and care for your husband but dont see him in a way that you would want sex with him.
To me it says one thing your not in love with him anymore.
Loving someone and being in love is two different things.
I think its been over for a while but you just kept plotting on for the kids sake.
I know it will sound awful but dont let the fact that you have kids put you off of having a life.

We met via OLD, we were pretty lucky. It is not easy separating when you have young children (my DD also has special needs) but I realised that our relationship was toxic and was never going to be what I needed. I left in order to be myself again. The thought of another relationship was far from my mind. But I think having a good sexual relationship is an entirely valid need and now that I have one I would never be happy without it.

My kids are fine btw and my relationship with my ex is good. We are better coparents and friends than spouses.

How does your DH feel about your relationship? What about an open marriage in your case? Stay together for caring responsibilities, financial support and deep friendship but fulfill your sexual needs elsewhere. If you go OLD make it clear you are after connection and fun but not a relationship. As long as everyone is on the same page. You don't have to have a conventional relationship. Figure out what you want/ don't want and what's workable.

I think many people are in similar positions.
its just not talked about.
maybe yr dh is asexual ? Have u explored that possibility? As u said he has never been into sex?

its such an individual choice . Some peope are bereft without it . Us , like the poster above , are ok without it .. so long as they feel appreciated etc .

You had an emotional affair?

Could you both afford to seperate and do nesting - where the kids stay in the family home and parents rotate staying in the home with them?

This used to me so I gave him his marching orders

Right now I'm waiting for hit water so I can jump into the shower and go spend the night with my lovely boyfriend and spend the night together.

Life is too short to live the life someone else wants.

I'm 45 and plenty of life left in me. I wasn't going to waste more years living a life I didn't want.