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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to set boundaries

14 replies

skylarmoo · 10/01/2024 22:34

Hey hey I have been in my relationship for 2 years. My boyfriend and I only spend time together if he comes to my place bc he lives with his parents. When I try to set boundaries I end up feeling guilty. He wants to move my furniture, complain about my furniture stand on my furniture etc. He does the same things with my car as well. I've worked hard for all the things I have and in the drop of a hat he will s**t on it. I'm not ok with any of that and when I bring it up it's always some excuse.

I like having him over but I like my space the way it is. And when I tell him that his response is well how you know what you like if you don't do it. Now I've been in my apartment for a while and I've completely renovated every room with everything I like. He brings up the fact that he has ocd. But I have to ask him to do dishes if I cook or if I'm cleaning my bathroom he will stop me because "I don't wanna see you on your hands and knees cleaning" but doesn't do it himself.

I just feel like that's something he says bc if your ocd is so bad how can you see the bathroom or kitchen needs cleaning but not take that initiative to do it on his own. But will jump up to rearrange a room that was perfectly fine. At first I was ok with it then I started to voice my concerns and have them brushed off.

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 10/01/2024 22:37

OCD can take many forms, it doesn't have to be about cleanliness. But he sounds like he's not a very nice person anyway.

skylarmoo · 10/01/2024 22:48

Grimchmas · 10/01/2024 22:37

OCD can take many forms, it doesn't have to be about cleanliness. But he sounds like he's not a very nice person anyway.

Yea he's always moving paperwork which I like to handle bc I keep important documents with ssn numbers I don't like to trash that. Or his main thing is he hates the way my living room is set up. But I love it it's cozy.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedAnymore · 10/01/2024 22:52

He stands on your furniture?

Why?

skylarmoo · 10/01/2024 22:59

NotSuchASmugMarriedAnymore · 10/01/2024 22:52

He stands on your furniture?

Why?

He has stood on the chair to close the curtains but it can be done without all of that. He says it's the only way he can close the curtains but I can get it done without needing to move anything or stand on furniture. And he's not short we're almost the same height.

OP posts:
cathcath2 · 10/01/2024 23:08

He doesn't care about what you want. I would get rid

Mistlebough · 10/01/2024 23:11

He’s got a cheek. He hasn’t even managed to leave home and he’s constantly criticising yours. He’s unlikely to improve and be a pleasure to be with in the future OP.

Mumtime2 · 10/01/2024 23:15

Don't let him visit you anymore.
Keep telling him your busy, out or over his constant crap.
Get a new bf! Might be easier. . How old is he living at home haha.

skylarmoo · 11/01/2024 00:01

Mumtime2 · 10/01/2024 23:15

Don't let him visit you anymore.
Keep telling him your busy, out or over his constant crap.
Get a new bf! Might be easier. . How old is he living at home haha.

31

OP posts:
Turkeyhen · 11/01/2024 00:06

Sounds like you are setting boundaries perfectly clearly but he isn’t respecting them 😩

OfficerChurlish · 11/01/2024 00:18

Why would you feel guilty? You didn't get angry at him, yell at him, assume bad intent, etc. as far as I can see. You asked him politely to stop certain behaviours that are upsetting you, and he seems to be arguing and refusing on principle rather than (1) explaining to you coherently why he needs to do these things or (2) trying not to do them even if he occasionally slips up. It seems like there might be bad communication overall - he should be able to listen to and consider your requests and concerns even if he does/would not feel the same way.

Also the not wanting to see you cleaning thing is kind of weird (and unhelpful) - is he expecting his mum to come over and do it?

Is the relationship good from your perspective, apart from this aspect?

KnowledgeableMomma · 11/01/2024 00:18

I agree with others....this sounds like a relationship to be done with. But, here is how I would respond to some of statements:

RE cooking/cleaning--"I don't mind cooking a (pizza/roast/potluck, etc) but if I cook, you are cleaning up." If you get backchat, it's time for him to head home. Bye!

-RE hands and knees cleaning-- "You don't like seeing me on my hands and knees cleaning? I think these look better in your hands, anyway 😆." Hand him the cleaning items and don't forget to tell him not to miss the shower corners while you head out to grab a snack.

-RE moving furniture---- "Touch that end table one more time and it costs you half the rent, pal".

-RE not liking your things-- "You don't like that painting? I don't like your shoes but at least I have the decency to keep that to myself."

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/01/2024 01:14

If anyone came into my house and treated my things like that I'd be livid. I would tell him to get out and not come back

skylarmoo · 11/01/2024 02:15

OfficerChurlish · 11/01/2024 00:18

Why would you feel guilty? You didn't get angry at him, yell at him, assume bad intent, etc. as far as I can see. You asked him politely to stop certain behaviours that are upsetting you, and he seems to be arguing and refusing on principle rather than (1) explaining to you coherently why he needs to do these things or (2) trying not to do them even if he occasionally slips up. It seems like there might be bad communication overall - he should be able to listen to and consider your requests and concerns even if he does/would not feel the same way.

Also the not wanting to see you cleaning thing is kind of weird (and unhelpful) - is he expecting his mum to come over and do it?

Is the relationship good from your perspective, apart from this aspect?

I guess the guilt comes when I tell him I don't like something and then his mood changes. He's not as talkative or touchy and I feel like I said something wrong. I don't like when people are upset with me. And I know that is very childish but i can't help it. It makes me very uncomfortable.

OP posts:
SequentialAnalyst · 11/01/2024 02:56

You have set boundaries. However, you have not enforced them.

He has trampled all over them (literally, in some cases).
There needs to be consequences when boundaries are crossed. Asking him to leave when he does this might work. Without drama, without an argument.

I doubt there is much future in this relationship. Entitled men do not change IME.

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