To ask should I have responded better?

[isitjustmeme]

I have a cousin who is five years older than me. Not really close growing up although we lived in same village. She did babysit me and was horrible to me.

In our twenties we got a lot closer band hung out, went on holidays together, had shared friends.

I met dh got married and had kids. Cousin changed a bit and started being nasty (similar to childhood) I backed away a bit at this point.

Cousin moved to other side of country. She visits 3-4 times a year. She use to stay at one but it caused a lot of rows as she was pretty rude to me and started having a goo at my dc (telling them off if they irritate her. She now stays with friend s .

Recently she spoke about moving back in a couple of years. I asked a few questions about her plans. She later pulled me up saying I should have mentioned being excited/happy that she is returning (maybe)

I explained I didn't realise it was definite but yes it would be lovely for her to come home. She told me I am a cold person because I didn't show emotion.

Should I have told her I was looking forward to her moving hack.?

I think you should tell her to go piss up a rope, personally. She sounds ghastly.

No, I wouldn't have OP, I'd have said that I wasn't that thrilled as she's a bitch most of the time when you see her!

Regardless of how you feel or reacted, voicing their opinion on how you should have reacted is just bizarre.

She sounds hard work. Do you actually want to rekindle a friendship? If not, then don't fake the response, it will give her something else to moan about later - "I only came back because you wanted me to" type of comments.

I would be non-committal and see what occurs.

You should have replied with "so basically you wanted me to lie""?

She sounds awful. No, she doesn’t get to tell you what to do/feel/say. Nope.

Grey rock her.

Gosh thank you. I was genuinely thinking I'd done something wrong.

If she had just said 'I was upset you didn't say you were happy about me moving back' I could have apologised for upsetting her and we could move on but she doesn't she gets annoyed at me like I have a problem and if I explain why (saying that I wasn't aware it was definite or imminent ) she says things like 'well if that's how you see it' and 'this is my truth I'm just saying how it is' and continues to be annoyed so nothing gets resolved and drags on requiring hours of discussion until I end up agreeing with her just to stop it.

It is hard as apart from some elderly family im her only relative. So I do feel a responsibility to her but equally I also feel like I'm her punching bag at times.

That's a good point actually she may want more from me than I am willing to give

It’s nice to have family when it’s amiable but it’s not a responsibility. We aren’t responsible for other adults (unless we are their cater).

I’d be very cool in the hope she might reconsider returning to the village I.e. not much for her to return to

I wouldn't want anything to do with her. She doesn't get to tell you anything. Next time she brings it up I would tell her I don't know what she is expecting considering she has been nasty so many times.

It sounds, tbh, as if she enjoys having someone she perceives she can bully, and starts on you at what she perceives to be vulnerable times, and/or when she's feeling envious of you for some reason. I wouldn't be bothering with her, and certainly not allowing her to dictate the emotions you have and how you express them.

You have zero responsibility for her. You don’t owe her anything.

Tell her the truth, you dread her moving back and being in increased contact

This is actually really unpleasant, even abusive, behaviour. I wouldn’t care that I was her only family if that’s how she treated me and my children. You’ve described multiple times of her being horrible to you and yet you put up with it. You could excuse the time when you were children as being young but not as adults.

Life's too short for people like this. I don't have much to do with my cousins - we are not friends!

I’m not ‘not friends’ with my cousins and we get on with each other when we meet up at family gatherings but I don’t feel responsible for them the way you do for yours OP. If they weren’t nice to me, no way in hell would I put any effort into seeing them.

Thank you everyone. I'm currently deciding whether I need to verbally put barriers in place or just keep my distance.

I'd just keep using the line "I'm sorry to hear you are upset" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" rather than agreeing with her to keep the peace. If you agree then she thinks you've come round to her way of thinkng and as PP have said, she'll then think you are excited about her move and then expect you to do stuff etc which it sounds like you're not massively keen on.
If you can't get her to stop ranting the other option is to say "clearly you're angry/upset but we are going round in circles so suggest we leave it there for the moment" and end the conversation

Thank you

This is my truth 😂

Get her in the bin

You're not obliged to be friendly with her just because she happens to be your cousin. You don't like her and you don't get on. You don't have to stay in touch.

I agree. Plus high 5 to the piss up a rope remark, could add on the end of it "fuckstick!"

Should I have told her I was looking forward to her moving back?

No, definitely not. Why would you if you aren't - sounds like you were polite but she wanted to reap flowers when she has sown nettles.

Her response to your response (!) yet again is telling you what kind of a person she is. Believe her and distance yourself. Definitely don't announce this though.