To not have my pre IVF tests done until DH has done his?

[Worththeweight]

We were due to have round 5 of IVF last year, we were changing clinics so needed to both do all our pre-admission tests, including some pretty invasive ones for me. I did all of mine, then DH stalled kept making excuses and finally admitting that he couldn't go through it again. Hid behind the reason that he was worried about the impact of this round failing would have on me.
We've moved on, had counselling and agreed to go again. AIBU to wait until he's done his 2 tests before I put myself through 4 sets of tests (all on different days of the bloody month), or should I trust that this time is different and get going so we can start sooner, if I wait I'll miss certain date windows. I just can't stand the thought of going through all of it again for him to pull out. He had his first one yesterday, which was the easy GP referral.

In all honesty I'd go ahead and do your bit. If he doesn't do his then I'd question his commitment.

If he doesn't do the tests...I'd imagine your relationship would be horrifically damaged. Presumably your DH knows this? You still sound concerned.

As someone who did 5 IVF rounds I know the toll it takes.

Does it matter if you wait until he's done his tests? I know every week seems important when you're in it but delaying by a month won't be the end of the world.

If it will delay anything I’d just get on and do your tests. Because if he’s not going to do his again then your relationship is in trouble anyway I’d guess. If itl make no difference to the timescale then I’d probably delay a little bit.

So he had his appointment with the GP but wants us to see the therapist again before we go again further. I'm just completely heartbroken as thought we'd reached an agreement, but he apparently still has doubts it's the right move.
It's looking like I just need to accept it won't work.

It doesn't sound like he wants to do more ivf. I'm sorry.

Gosh I'm sorry. This is heartbreaking for you.

Can I ask, is the clinic offering anything different for this round of IVF that might improve your chances? This makes a big difference i think - if it's just doing the same again or there is something new to try.

If its just the same perhaps your husband feels it's not worth it.

I had 4 failed transfer but got pregnant on no5 i think because we used a new medication (at my insistence). We were at a point where my DH was ready to give up but I was absolutely clear i wasn't.

Feel free to DM me if you want a chat.

Ps don't know your circs but might be worth exploring using an egg donor if you're not already

We've gone to this clinic specifically for the change in protocol.

Your update makes it clear that your options are likely to be holding a child free relationship with him or going your own way to pursue a baby.

I'm broken, again just feel so foolish. I'm such an intelligent woman just feel into the trap.

YANBU - let him have his tests first.

You're not foolish. You just had a dream. That's perfectly normal. He's not up for this. So either it's over or you adjust a childfree life. Either way some time apart would be good.

But what does he need to be up for, it's me that bears the brunt....

I’m so sorry. We had two rounds of ivf - and I know that if my DH had done this it would have been over for us.

But - I coped ok with both failures. A bad evening and straight back to work. I suspect he might have wanted out if I’d been very badly affected by it.

It’s hard - and I suspect on some level I knew I had to keep it together to a reasonable extent in case he couldn’t cope with severe distress and wanted to avoid trying again.

You

But he experiences his tests as upsetting/distressing, regardless of you being prepared for more invasive ones. It’s not a suffering contest. It’s also possible he simply doesn’t want children as badly as you. Or that he just has burnout from the previous rounds. it’s difficult and relationship-taxing all round.

I think it’s more a case of fearing the aftermath of it not working again and trying to avoid having to face that. I made my DH very aware that the far worse outcome situation for me was not being able to go through another attempt. I could cope better with the failure than with the total absence of hope, if you see what I mean. But your DH might not have realised that or agree with that.

@Maray1967 you have completely understood it. I'm there

Have you considered a sperm donor if necessary