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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think there IS something he could do about it?

14 replies

pinotnow · 10/01/2024 20:44

Useless ex who pays nothing for two dc - v low paid, largely through lifestyle choices, and CMS says the 4 nights per fortnight he has them is means he owes nothing else. Yet he buys them no clothes/nothing at all for his house except a toothbrush each. Just pays for the food they eat there and increasingly they are out with friends for some meals, funded by me, so he's not even paying that. He also cancels some nights fairly regularly.

He's meant to have them every Thursday but last week couldn't and has just texted that he can't tomorrow. I work f/t in stressful role and shop with the idea that they are not here Thursdays. I was planning a freezer raid for one for me but that won't work for 3 of us. It's so fucking annoying.

HE says he has to take his sister to hospital (she lives about 2 hours away). But he doesn't drive so won't be taking her as such. She has a long-term health condition so not an emergency. I'm pissed off and think it's bullshit.

I have said ok but it's annoying at this short notice. He has replied that he's very sorry but there's nothing he can do. But there is. He could: not lie if it's a lie; if it's true, he could have given more notice; he could put his children first and say he can't take her - he isn't driving her anyway; he could transfer me the money for a takeaway and could have actually said he's do that without being asked, especially since it's not two consecutive weeks.

AIBU? No. If something came up like that for me I could not just text him with the assumption he would step up but he can apparently.

OP posts:
YouAttentionSeekingTrippleARatedFuckwit · 10/01/2024 23:17

Annoying if he’s lying but, if he’s going to support his sister because it could be awful news, that’s understandable.

stealtheatingtunnocks · 10/01/2024 23:19

Disappointing man disappoints?

yes, it’s unfair and I expect you’ll have this happen again.

YANBU

Wolfiefan · 10/01/2024 23:21

He’s useless. But you had two kids with him. That won’t make him less useless.

Quitelikeit · 10/01/2024 23:21

Your mistake is thinking you can rely on him at all

Of money is tight would you consider a food bank?

mathanxiety · 10/01/2024 23:23

YANBU.

How old are your children?

ImANameChanger01 · 10/01/2024 23:26

He’s an arsehole. You won’t change him unfortunately, so it’ll be about you accepting it, as hard and unfair as that is. This country doesn’t protect the resident parent unfortunately.

purpleme12 · 10/01/2024 23:29

I get it
My child's dad texts (her, not me) to say he can't have her.
But if something comes up for me he still says no he can't have her. He won't take the hit. He still has that choice. I don't have a choice. If something comes up, I have to find someone else to have her or suck it up if it affects my work.
But I point this out to him and his mind doesn't appear to get it still.

Supersimkin2 · 10/01/2024 23:33

Not long now till the kids know they’ve got a Disappointment not a Dad.

pinotnow · 11/01/2024 06:26

Thank you! Kids 14 & 16 - no trouble of course it's just I find it all mentally tiring and rely on Thursday not being responsible for everyone. I haven't got money worries and nowhere near having to use a foodbank but it pisses me off that he pays nothing and also it's having to sort the food. University is looming and that is a massive worry to me financially.

OP posts:
GreyhpundGirl · 11/01/2024 06:44

pinotnow · 11/01/2024 06:26

Thank you! Kids 14 & 16 - no trouble of course it's just I find it all mentally tiring and rely on Thursday not being responsible for everyone. I haven't got money worries and nowhere near having to use a foodbank but it pisses me off that he pays nothing and also it's having to sort the food. University is looming and that is a massive worry to me financially.

Why do you sort food on his days? Also, don't worry about university- money borrowed is a graduate tax, not debt. They can get part time jobs to help support themselves. I teach in an area that most definitely isn't affluent and lots of my students go.on to university and manage just fine.

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 11/01/2024 07:00

Can you say that you accept he can't see his DC on Thursday because of his sister, so when would he like to see them to make up the time.

It's not ideal, but at least he'll still have them for another evening (even if it's in a different week).

Bibbetybobbity · 11/01/2024 07:48

@GreyhpundGirl they’re probably on full loans. The uni funding system is pretty hard going on middle/high earning single parents because the amount the student can borrow is capped in line with the household earnings. It’s still do-able of course, and I agree they can work, inc beforehand, but it’s not quite as simple as it seems because of how it’s structured.

Completely understand your pov @pinotnow being the default adult and parent in every single situation is completely exhausting.

GreyhpundGirl · 11/01/2024 07:57

Bibbetybobbity · 11/01/2024 07:48

@GreyhpundGirl they’re probably on full loans. The uni funding system is pretty hard going on middle/high earning single parents because the amount the student can borrow is capped in line with the household earnings. It’s still do-able of course, and I agree they can work, inc beforehand, but it’s not quite as simple as it seems because of how it’s structured.

Completely understand your pov @pinotnow being the default adult and parent in every single situation is completely exhausting.

I know, I was Head of 6th Form for years until recently.

Theunamedcat · 11/01/2024 08:00

Work out how often he is doing this and go back to child maintenance saying he is no longer having them 50/50

And don't provide a thing while they are at his house

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