Should I invite him?

[facepalmdaily]

Back story, my mum almost died after heart surgery last year. This year, for her birthday I'm planning a family meal. I have just invited my in-laws and they are happy to come, both sets of in-laws get along. However, my MIL has just messaged to ask me if I'd invited my husbands brother. We don't really have much to do with him, although are civil and on speaking terms. My parents know him but haven't spoken to him for years, probably about 14 years ago when we got married. He's not the easiest person to get on with and I don't really want him there, it is after all my mums birthday and he wasn't mentioned as part of the plan. My MIL is lovely and I get on really well with her but she will most definitely get her ass in her hands if I say I'm not inviting him. AIBU not inviting him? What should I say?

Just say ‘No, it hadn’t occurred to me, as my mother doesn’t know him’. And leave it at that.

Why isn’t your husband dealing with this?

It’s his brother & his mum.

Hi mil....as I've organised the meal for mum, I'd only planned to invite those family members she knows well hence I hadn't thought to invite bil..... perhaps we could catch up with him at (insert family event)

It's your mum's birthday, not a general family get together. If she kicks off, let your husband deal with her. Presumably he's on the same page as you?

Yanbu. You can invite who you want to your home / events. She can invite who she wants to her home / events.

No because it’s my mums birthday and she doesn’t know him

You’ve arranged it for your mum and she doesn’t particularly No him, so just say ‘no because this is for my mums birthday and she doesn’t really no him, it’s just a small get together’. Who gives a crap what your MIL thinks, she can have her own birthday meal when the time comes.

@Lemsipper Why isn’t your husband dealing with this? It’s his brother & his mum.

He's not home from work, this message just came through so he doesn't know.

I don’t see how she is a ‘lovely MIL’ if she will “get her ass in her hands” if you don’t invite someone you don’t want to YOUR late mothers birthday meal.

Sounds like she’s ‘lovely’ on the condition everything is going her way

I think @HarpyRampant's comment is perfect! Your Mum doesn't know him! I'd also wonder why he's so keen to come - seems strange for a grown man to really want to come to a birthday tea where he doesn't know anyone!

@InSpainTheRain He hasn't invited himself. She's asking if I had invited him. TBF he probably doesn't even know about the conversation.

@Lemsipper she's lovely in the respect she does an awful lot for us and I love her because I love her.

I'd just have him there tbh, I'm sure he would spend the evening chatting with his Mum and Dad anyway. Otherwise, realistically, it's a bit awkward.

Yep, I'd simply say that you're keeping it to people that she knows well, as it's an event centred on her.

Why awkward?

I wouldn't expect to go to a birthday meal for my brother's mother in law. I haven't seen her for a similar amount of time, and I'd find it bizarre if my mum tried to engineer an invitation for me (and knowing my mum, she probably would, and I'd be mortified, and angry with her).

Awkward for the OP to say hey sorry he's not invited. Whichever way people on here want to sugar-coat it, I'd find that awkward. Especially with someone who I have a good relationship with. The MIL has likely asked not even thinking bigger picture that it's not her place to ask. But in my family, if someone asked that they'd be welcome whoever they are. But obviously that's just my family and I understand not everyone is the same.

@DeeIee why though? He has nothing to do with my mum and it's mums birthday meal. Might be different if they kept in touch but they don't. It's like me inviting my brother to my MIL's birthday dinner, sh's never met him!

This.

@facepalmdaily just giving my opinion, everyone's family dynamics are different. You're not wrong for not wanting to invite him.

'No it's only for people that mum is close to'

Hi Joan no not inviting Henry, might look to do a larger family BBQ in the summer 😊 look forward to seeing you both at mums birthday meal.

No - it's your Mum's celebration.

How presumptuous and pushy of your MIL! But try to be tactful...obvs.

Eg: It's really for people my Mum knows well and it's not a big do.

(Cheek of people!)

Hi mil, no it's not a family gathering just a meal for people who my mum loves.

Let her get annoyed if she's going to, ridiculous on her part!

This covers all bases - I'd do this!