To feel so angry even though it’s just as it is?

[Polarbearexpress]

I know I am being unreasonable really.

I am 40 now but I’ve gone through life knowing that I’m plain in appearance (being kind here) and not very clever and I’ve just accepted it.
That is how it is, isn’t it - some people get to be attractive, some clever, some both and some neither. A lot of people are broadly average.

It suddenly feels unfair that I am both ugly and stupid.

I’m in a dead-end low-skilled job which pays next to nothing. I work hard but this is as good as it gets for me. It suddenly feels unfair that no matter what I do - THIS IS IT.

And I have made poor choices in terms of work before, it’s not entirely the hand I’ve been dealt that’s to blame - but it’s still how it is now.

Im tired of trying and always being behind before I’ve even set off and now I feel pointlessly angry about it as well. I want to direct my anger into something useful but there’s nowhere to put it because I think I’m mainly angry that I am stuck being me.

I am fortunate that I have a partner and two dc. And I know I am very lucky in that respect.

But I still feel angry that I’m disregarded in most situations because of how I look and my ability.
How do I stop being angry and just accept that this is who I am?
aibu to feel so angry about being such a failure when I have to accept accountability for some of it? And when it’s pointless because it doesn’t change it?

I think you are being extremely hard on yourself.
Your post doesn’t sound like it’s written by someone not very clever, far from it. It’s clear and eloquent and perfectly describes your feelings.
Then you have a partner and DC’s who presumably you love and love you? So you have been successful there and got something that many people long for.
Can you think of something you would like to be good at and practice this year? It doesn’t have to be big or worthy, say becoming a great baker or gardener?
You don’t need to measure success in terms of money or things, that’s not what people will remember you for when you are long gone.

First point here. Perimenopause can make you irrationally angry for no reason so that might be why you feel this now.

I am 40 now but I’ve gone through life knowing that I’m plain in appearance (being kind here)
Make up, hair styles, clothing, exercise/toning can all change you physically but the biggest thing is confidence. Ooze that and people don't see many, many things. Think jockeys and their tall, stunning girlfriends etc.

and not very clever and I’ve just accepted it.
That can change if you really want to. Do you want to be academically smart with exams etc or just generally - which is expand your general knowledge by reading different newspapers, magazines, non fiction books or even "how its made" tv programmes.

Last but not least. You have a DH and DC who think you are beautiful and smart and wise ❤

I came on to say what Fairyliz just said - you are articulate and write well. What makes you think you aren't clever?

FWIW I'm a teacher (secondary) and if you left school with few/little qualifications that doesn't define your level of intelligence. School doesn't suit everyone, at that age. Plenty of people have gone on to get really high qualifications after achieving little in school.

It's not too late - is there something that interests you that you would like to do that might lead to a more interesting, better paid job?

Just going on your one post you're more articulate than many.

Try to stop caring about the opinions of anyone who disregards you for idiotic reasons, like not looking like an IG model.

The low pay, I get how that can get you down. What sort of things are you good at? What would you like to do? Some people treat jobs as if they're everything that matters about a person - some prefer a job that you can forget at the end of the day.

Omg you're not stupid at all! Your post has been written eloquently with perfect spelling and grammar... that wasn't written by a stupid person!

So true! I'm also a secondary teacher, school qualifications do not define a person by any means. So many ex students are brokers in the city or builders with really paid jobs, or business owners. A lot of them left with very average grades. My husband used to bunk school but now has the equivalent in qualifications as a masters degree.

You have a job, a home, a husband, children. I'd say you're winning in life..

Definitely not a failure

What makes you feel like you are not very clever?
Who are you comparing yourself to?

And as regards looks- most people are not actually good looking, why do you think makeup exists! I look quite different after make than before. Takes about 5 to 10 mins each day. If I don't bother people are not as nice to me, it's that real.
The trick is keeping modern. You see women in their early 50s still wearing eyeliner like it's 1985. Keeping makeup style up to date, colours and style that suits you, will make a big difference.

Wearing clothes that fit in colours that suit you makes another huge difference to one's experience of life.

There must be something special about you that you just aren’t seeing - you have a partner and there must be something attracting them to you. Remember you have been chosen by somebody out of all of the women they will have met.
And I second the fact that you seem very articulate in your post. I think the only thing you really lack is self-belief and self-worth.

I’m another person who thought your post was well-written and articulate so that suggests you are not stupid. As PP have said, if you have a DH and DC who love you that is a great achievement.
However, although it may be difficult with family commitments, why don’t you do one or two things to make a change - an evening class in a subject you’ve either always found interesting or regret not doing better at when you were at school? Something with the Open University (doesn’t have to be a whole degree initially)? Take up a sport? Volunteering? Get involved in local politics? Any of these might increase your self esteem and could lead to all sorts of opportunities.

Apologies if this isn't what you want to hear but you're clearly VERY intelligent since you have great capacity for self awareness

You have no idea how few people have that 🤦‍♀️

I can hear the frustration and the being incredibly hard on yourself but you've not found your THING yet.

What can we all do to help you find "IT" ?

YANBU OP
Life isn't fair.
What makes me really angry though is the 'tips' that are often given to low earners (usually doing absolutely essential work). Work harder, retrain, evening courses etc. Very often people are already working as hard as they can (and much harder than any of than any of the rich people I know). They should be able to afford a decent life and not have to live in poverty.

I don’t live with my partner and she is also a woman. I am fortunate I have a partner though.

My dc love me because they don’t know any differently. I’m just their mum.

I have wondered about perimenopause - it’s unusual for me to feel angry. It’s not how I usually feel; despondent perhaps, angry no.
I’ve always known these things but I just accepted it before and that was much easier.

I did ok at school but school is merely a test of memory and regurgitating information. It hasn’t translated into future success and so I think it is entirely irrelevant now.
Since leaving school it’s been all downhill. I think I peaked at about 16.

I know it’s not all about academic qualifications and there are people I went to school with who weren’t academic but who are now very successful - which is why I know some of where I’ve ended up isn’t just because of my appearance and lack of ability. There’s something else missing too.

Perhaps a hobby would help, it’s difficult with time and the dc and I’m tired after working. I don’t know what I’d do either because if I went to something I’d feel inferior from the offset and I’d not want to go back.

I’d like a job where I feel valued and competent and as though I’m not trailing behind everyone all of the time. I don’t know what that is… That’s where I get stuck - because I’m not competent and so I’m not likely to find anything where I am.

I recognise some of these feelings in myself, it’s a really horrible way to feel.

What makes you feel like you’re trailing behind, is it that you don’t understand things/aren’t meeting targets (ie you could ask for more mentoring or look for a different type of job within your sector or industry) or is it a bad workplace culture and you feel undervalued? What kind of work do you do? Is there any particular type of work or industry you might look into that would be more fulfilling?

I appreciate this may not be feasible if you live in a part of the country with limited opportunity, so apologies if that’s the case.

To be honest it sounds like you need a few sessions with a life coach

www.changingpeople.co.uk/coaching/

She will help you figure stuff out

My current job is very basic and anyone could do it. It is also meaningless and I suspect I could stop doing it with zero impact on anyone.

Id like to be able to do something more valuable but I have to reconcile myself with being grateful anyone was foolish enough to employ me in any context.
That’s what is difficult, it’s demoralising - making no difference. Working hard but being of no value.
Then I get caught back in the loop of thinking that at least I have a job and given my situation I should be grateful for that. Realistically I’d never get through an application or interview for anywhere else.

This!!!
You’re being very hard on yourself.
Im 52 going grey and a good few stone overweight.
I like who am though.
It took me a long time to get to this point. Look at all the positives in your life. Focus on those x