AIBU not to want to encourage this friendship?

[Genevieve29]

My DD is 12, diagnosed ASD, mainstream, Y8. There is a girl, "Gertie" (name changed), with whom she had been friendly since Primary. In Y7 they started at our local secondary together, and Gertie was in our house 4 nights a week after school, including having her dinner, and being driven home by DH. DD was never invited to Gertie's house after school, but I put this down to the fact that her Mum is a childminder, and has a houseful already. I went with this, because, as other parents of autistic kids will know, it is not always easy for them to make friends.

Towards the middle of Y7, Gertie sent a text out of the blue, saying that she thought they should not be friends any more. DD was upset for a day or so, but a) these things happen/people move on, and b) the black-and-white of autism kicked in so DD became matter of fact, "OK, Gertie doesn't want to be my friend, I have others". She does, in fact have a lovely but very small group at school.

Now in Y8, Gertie has started coming home (occasionally) with DD. This only seems to happen when her family are unavailable to walk her home from school (where her father works), and there seems to be some expectation that DH will take her home later, OR that my DD will walk halfway with her, and then Gertie's older brother will meet her. She is the older of the 2, so it seems ridiculous that it's OK for my DD to be out after dark alone, but not Gertie. So I have not been as welcoming, no offer of snacks or dinner, and please phone someone to come and get you. I feel we are all being used. AIBU?

What does DD want? You could share your concern that Gertir had not been a good friend in the past. However, if my mum had enforced a cut off of every friend with whom I’d had a falling out when I was 10-12, my friendship group now at 40 might be a lot more empty.

Understand how you feel, but perhaps it just occurs to her when she is alone it would be nice to walk home with your dd? At that age i expect she could walk home straight from school herself so not likely to be a childcare plan.

If dd happy with situation i would let it continue. If not safe for dd to walkbback herself after meeting Gertie's brother then put an end to that. If it is safe enough and your dd enjoys the walk then leave them to it.

If she drops dd again i would encourage dd to stay away from her.

I would just tell the parents that they need to make arrangements to collect her if she comes to your house. And when she turns up check she has a plan for getting home .

I think I am being over-protective of DD because Autistic, and very vulnerable to bullying, so prefer her friends who are kind. Also, part of the problem seems to be that Gertie is not allowed to walk ANYWHERE by herself. (We live in a very small town/village, so not much by way of heavy traffic or strange people!) We have made a rod for our own backs by giving Gertie a lift home (10 min walk away) every time, last year. Now feel we're being used as a stop-gap, with a hitherto guarantee that we will escort G home.

Gertie's mum is a CF

I would drop G home as soon as she arrives. You are being used.

Speak to the parents and say your child can't walk Gertie back halfway anymore as then your child will be out on their own. And also they'll have to pick Gertie up or she'll have to walk back herself.

Or this :)

Comes across as she's a user or her parents feel entitled to your help. I'd stop lifts and letting your daughter walk her . Encourage the other friendships . Could your husband be unavailable at lift time or have plans directly after school to break the habit of her coming home with your daughter.

That girl has a brass neck! I wouldn't worry about upsetting her or her family. I wouldn't let my daughter walk home with her and I wouldn't let my husband give her a lift either. I wouldn't give her any food. She is a CF and her parents are too.

Friendships are tricky for ASD kids. I'd help the friendship keep going but not as intensely as before.

My DD has ASD and unfortunately friendships often get even trickier as they get into their teens. My DD lost all of her small friendship group when the complexities of teenage life, boys/girls becoming "couples" etc started. It was more than she could socially cope with and it's been brutal. As many different little friendship groups as possible could help later on.

It won't be too long before the evenings are lighter and hopefully Gertie can make her own way home more easily.

I think you are doing the right thing. No offer of snacks etc and ensure she gets her own family to pick her up.

From experience adolescent friendships can be like this; the girls that are making them cry one week are their best friends 6 months later. However no I wouldn’t be doing lifts as this is cheeky.

You need to nip this one in the bud. I doubt that it's really Gertie behind all of this and more an arrangement that her parents have concocted to make sense of a situation that it is simply convenient for her to walk to yours after school and to have dinner with you.

Considering that the offer was never reciprocated, you need to start meeting Gertie at the door, telling your DD to go inside and to get herself a snack and you'd walk Gertie home to her house. Then walk her home and make sure she gets in. If she doesn't - you have your answer. They are using you and your DD as an unpaid childminding/after school service.

I really don't think it's anything to do with Gertie wanting or not wanting to be friends with your DD. It appears to me that it is more likely a convenience that Gertie's parents have worked out and you're the lucky people this time that have to host Gertie.

By all means have Gertie around to your place but on your terms. These are not your terms.

I’ve had similar - in the end we stopped offering a lift back and asked the friend’s parents to pick them up.

‘Oh, we don’t drive so you should do it’

Nope, if they chose not to drive or can’t afford it that’s not my issue. Even if it was for medical reasons they could send a taxi.

It's probably not your dds friend doing this but her parents.
I would tell them next time they come to collect her that it's not convenient on a school night anymore (you're suddenly very busy!) and In future could the girls plan a day together over the weekend.

I think instead of freezing the girl out and being unwelcoming...which may not work anyway, you need to speak to the mum.

I'd write a message or speak to her..

Hi x, we are happy for Gertie to come over once a week after school but unfortunately we cannot host more days than this due to our own commitments and if she does come over, you will need to arrange to have her collected as dh isn't always available to drop her home

Could you tell your daughter not to bring her home anymore? She needs to start saying, "sorry mum said no visitors after school." Perhaps head them off at the door, and say, "sorry not tonight, you'd best get home before it gets dark."

I wouldn't prevent them from walking together but would make it clear that there will be no more lifts.

Talk to Gertie's parents. If Gertie comes to yours then she will have to be collected unless it has all been prearranged, as your DD won't walk halfway with her anymore.