Online dating-can you only do it with good confidence?

[BlueAndPinkHairDontCare]

Separated from husband in July, just starting to want to dip my feet in dating again so downloaded a couple of apps, only wanted to look really for now and haven't uploaded a photo.

But I've seen a couple of people who sound interesting and while I'm not necessarily looking to meet up just yet it would be nice to reach out and see how things go. However to do this you (understandably) need to have photos on your profile.

I live in a very close community and I just don't want everyone and their dog to know my business (if someone in my village saw my profile it would get round like wildfire)

Does it mean online dating just isn't for me. I fear if I wait to do it the organic way I'll be waiting until I'm 80

I don't have the highest confidence especially, happy to send a pic privately but I need to lose weight and don't feel confident in myself, I'm not thick skinned enough to put my pic out for the world to see/judge

I'm confident enough one to one but the thought of sharing my dating profile with my whole community fills me with dread

An example, a week after we split an acquaintance saw me in the shop and asked if husband and I were still together as she'd seen him on dating site 🙈

Well if you go on a pay site it's unlikely someone would see you on there unless they were also looking for a partner and they would have to be a man as well assuming from your post you are looking for an opposite sex partner ?

And if they did they would be in the same position as you anyway.

If you go on a free site then anyone with any motivations can easily sign up to that with low consequence - for genuinely finding a partner, or for stalking or generating gossip or causing trouble if they have nothing better to do with their time, so probably best to keep off those if you want to keep low profile.

If you don't put up a picture on the pay site don't be surprised if you get a lot less interest - you may need to be a bit more proactive. And also remember it is likely that anyone you chat to will want a picture fairly quickly, and will probably act pretty decisively once they receive that picture (either they will want to continue the interaction or block you pretty much immediately) !

Good luck :)

Edit : Plus, you don't really have to put anything in your profile beyond your age and a few things you are into/kind of person you are.

Thank you! I will have a look at the paid sites... any recommendations? I think maybe I'm not there yet!

I have been on match (the one h was on)
And boo

People would only see your profile if they were on the dating app too and you don't need to give your life story on it or give very personal details. Nothing embarrassing about being on a dating app 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks I know there isn't, I just worry as everyone knows everyone, kids all know each other and I wouldn't want my kids to think about it or even worse for my ex to see me on there

I felt the same but in the end just had to go for it. I did bumble, and when I saw a couple of people I knew by sight I just quickly swiped right (? I always get it confused 😆) then I don’t think it shows me to them.

just a word of warning though - I found it fun browsing and swiping and messaging but then (not unreasonably) there are men on there who want something proper and want to meet up. Are you actually ready for that?
if you just want the fun flirty messaging and browsing but more anonymous then there are other sites where you can do that

I also had a short time on match. A friend who was on there who is in an ENM relationship (open marriage basically) but didn’t want acquaintances to know, started off by setting his radius to very local then quickly went through and swiped No on all the people he knew, then set the distance wider again.

Thanks that's a good idea. I'm not opposed to meeting I think I'm just telling myself I'm just browsing so I can take the first step!!

I know what you mean the thought of ex or his friends / family etc seeing you profile is quite scary at first. But honestly really no one cares, it's so common now to be on dating sites. They probably realise you'll be starting to think about dating anyway?