to think a person who repeatedly tries to make others feel bad is probably unhappy themselves?

[lockbox]

I think everyone has met someone like this at one point in their life, a person who can't seem to help but make digs at other people or ask questions they must know will be painful for the person.

I totally get that once in a while we all say something clumsy or a bit tactless, usually its not intended to hurt anyone and if someone says something like that and its just a one off then I let it slide because if someone means to hurt you they will usually keep at it.

However when someone does keep it up, with repeated attempts to hurt you over the course of a conversation or each time they see you then or they do it to others as well then I think this really says more about them.

I don't know why they do it, I suppose it maybe that some people just lack insight, self awareness or any emotional intelligence. In some it might be part of cognitive decline or just a general lack of social skills but usually in this case if there is no malice you can tell.

So why do people do it? Why would you actively try to hurt or upset another person, repeatedly? I can only think that they must be so unhappy in themselves that it's only by trying to make others bad that they can feel better. Its quite sad really.

Hurt people hurt people

@TreadLightly3 Yes this is true.

Definitely when someone is unhappy/jealous/insecure. Sadly there’s a lot of it about.

I think a lot of times it’s unintentional, bad social skills, clueless. If its intentional they’ll have some justification for it to ease the cognitive dissonance.

Massive insecurity and no ability to self-reflect.

It can be just someone being awkward as I say in my OP and I get that, I've done it myself we all do at some point put out foot in it. What I am talking about is those people who repeatedly do it over the course of a conversation or every time your see them, event o the point of them trying different digs to try and see what gets to you most I think in those cases its obviously designed to hurt and bring the other person down.

Yes, I know but they will have decided you deserve it in someway I.e. you’re stuck up, too quiet, too nice etc. Even serial killers will have a justification for their actions - she’s shouldn’t be out alone etc,..
It’s not just about bringing the other person down as an isolated incident when it’s intentional.

"Blowing out someone else's candle won't make yours shine any brighter."

I think some of it is learnt behaviour. Usually it’s not just the person who makes nasty comments and digs etc, their wider family often does it. Everyone who I know who do it have other family members who also do it.
I also think some people are just nasty.
I don’t think hurt people, hurt people. The people in my life who have endured the most pain in life are the nicest people I know.

I agree that not all hurt people are like this but I do think that those who do it are usually unhappy or insecure in themselves.

But equally many many people who have endured hurt become the most empathic, light-filled and caring.

Oh yes. And such saddos by the time they’ve really mastered the backhander. It becomes second nature to them and will do it at any opportunity they can.

My family member who is like this definitely has a chip on their shoulder and is jealous / doesn’t like to see things going too well with others or for others to be having a good time. Getting little digs in and making people feel uncomfortable with awkward questions or bringing difficult subjects up seems to be their way of bringing focus back to them, and a way they can feel power and control. They certainly seem to enjoy the drama, and causing tension. Are they unhappy? I think so. You must not feel particularly pleasant if you’re deliberately making others feel bad, or stirring up tensions.

@dephlogisticated Yes I agree but to the OP’s point, when people are deliberately nasty that’s most often the reason.

Either that or they’re just sociopaths who hurt others for sport!

I saw this today and thought it was really accurate. Not quite what you're talking about but similar idea.

Love this.

Actually really helped me today. Thanks.

OP I'm having this both in my personal life and with eldest DC at the moment.

I put it down to jealous and trying to control/feel powerful.

Trying to act like it doesn't affect us is our tactic to try and take that power away from them. But that's easier said than done. Xx

Could be their defence mechanism to mask their own insecurities or unhappiness.

My SIL is like this. She says hurtful things to me and my other SIL. All very intentional and never says it when husbands are around.