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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist I give him some money?

22 replies

Stagdodilemma · 09/01/2024 16:00

My fiancé’s stag do is in a few weeks.

One of my fiancé’s closest friends is currently unemployed and has shared that he is in quite a significant amount of overdraft and credit card debt. He has paid up front for the events and hotel (back when he was still working) but WIBU to insist he takes some money from me to participate in the food and drink etc?

I don’t want him getting into more debt for us but I also know it is important to my fiancé he comes. Tips of navigating it sensitively?

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 09/01/2024 16:01

Why wouldn't your Fiancé do it as it's his friend and his stag night?

clpsmum · 09/01/2024 16:18

WhateverMate · 09/01/2024 16:01

Why wouldn't your Fiancé do it as it's his friend and his stag night?

This

GreyhpundGirl · 09/01/2024 16:18

I think it depends on how much but why you and not your fiance?

Notamum12345577 · 09/01/2024 16:21

I think it is very kind of you to want to do this for him. Maybe take him to one side privately and offer it gently? Depending on your friendship with him maybe a bit more forcefully if you know he would mind it!

dontgobaconmyheart · 09/01/2024 16:21

Why can't your DP just cover the cost for his own friend if he wants/needs him there? The poor bloke is only in this situation because he feels obliged to attend something expensive he did not choose to plan.

The stag do isn't the wedding, nor is a stag do a required part of one - it's a jolly for your DP and his pals ahead of the wedding. He's put himself in debt trying to be a good mate to someone who clearly has more money than him and probably shouldn't have done that. He should have said ahead of time that it isn't financially feasible.

If we were financially comfortable or able to cover costs I'd just be telling my DP to give him back whatever he'd paid ASAP and consider next time that he is unemployed and money doesn't grow on trees.

Notamum12345577 · 09/01/2024 16:22

Already stated in the OP that the friend wasn’t unemployed when it was booked

Silverbirchtwo · 09/01/2024 16:23

Are you saying he has paid some things upfront and will recoup some of the money from the other guests, but can't pay upfront for everything else? (And I assume he doesn't want the groom to know what was spent?)

Is he intending to pay you back when he collects the money from the others? Or does he want you to pay his share? Or you to pay for everything? A bit unclear.

PossumintheHouse · 09/01/2024 16:24

Is your fiancé’s friend a groomsman or member of the wedding party? If so, I’d frame it as an early thank you gift.

mrsbyers · 09/01/2024 16:27

Tell him he needs to collect the money from the rest of the group that are going and include your fiancé in that as he is obviously not in a position to cover his stag do

Original poster
Stagdodilemma · 09/01/2024 17:04

DP could do it but I make more money than he does and thought it would be a nice gesture for me to pay.

Friend was not unemployed when he paid for the activity and hotel so was not a problem. The money would be for food and drink.

I agree he should probably cancel coming from a financial perspective but I know that there is no way that he would do this.

He is an usher so the idea of an early thank you is a good idea!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stagdodilemma · 09/01/2024 17:29

@Silverbirchtwo i don’t really understand what you mean. He is just a guest on the stag and has given money to the best man to pay for his portion of the activity and hotel. There is no money to recoup.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stagdodilemma · 09/01/2024 17:38

@GreyhpundGirl probably about £100

OP posts:
ConciseQueen · 09/01/2024 17:40

Even if you pay, he must think the money comes from the groom.

Original poster
Stagdodilemma · 09/01/2024 17:42

@ConciseQueen it could easily come from our “joint money”. It’s worth saying we are also pretty good friends.

OP posts:
ConciseQueen · 09/01/2024 17:44

I think it really needs to come from the groom, sorry. People who have lost their jobs can be understandably sensitive about gifts of cash. It makes a lot more sense for the groom to help out here. It’s just a pride thing.

HappyHamsters · 09/01/2024 17:46

It did sound from your post that this friend had arranged the stag do. Has he just paid £100 for himself upfront as his share. If he is a good friend and an usher I would have not asked him to pay anything.

Bellaboo01 · 09/01/2024 17:48

It needs to come from his Friend the Groom who he is going on the stag do for.

Original poster
Stagdodilemma · 09/01/2024 17:52

@HappyHamsters i don’t know how much he has paid it was organised by the best man.

He was NOT unemployed when he committed to the stag do and paid the best man for his share.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stagdodilemma · 09/01/2024 17:55

To be clear the friend has not paid for the whole stag do. He has paid upfront for his portion only. The best man organised the stag and dealt with this aspect.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 09/01/2024 18:05

Talk to your fiancé. If a good friend I assume he knows he has lost his job and could struggle paying for the stag

Yes be nice if you /stag help the friend if really want him there

Remagirl · 09/01/2024 18:08

That's so kind and I agree the concept of an early thank you is great. He is probably worrying about the cost and this will make it easier for him x

TinyYellow · 09/01/2024 18:15

That would be a lovely thing to do, both for your friend and your fiancé. You want them both to have a nice time celebrating in anticipation of your wedding so if you can afford it then why wouldn’t you.

If you do it rather than your fiancé you can frame it more as wanting to make sure there’s spending money available for the groom to have a good time with his closest friends.

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