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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you push for an ASD diagnosis when a teenager doesn’t want to

34 replies

Whenyourefifteen · 09/01/2024 14:28

DS is 15 (year 11) and absolutely adamant he doesn’t want any support at school because he doesn’t want to be ‘treated differently’ and is worried about stigma and bullying. I think a diagnosis would open up access to a lot of support but DS is adamant he doesn’t want to. I’ve been told informally by many people (including professionals) since he’s turned 13 that they suspect he’s got ASD and I’m sure he fits the criteria. Aibu to ask for your opinion?
YABU- yes push for a diagnosis against DS’s wishes
YANBU- No leave him to his own choice

OP posts:
surlycurly · 09/01/2024 16:22

As a parent you can make a clear stand if you feel it's beneficial- that doesn't question Gillick competency but relates to your position on the matter with your child. I chose to support my son's decision, but I know others that haven't. They've had solid reasons for doing so. It's not just a matter of competency but maturity. The decision for this teen is based on social issues and not wanting to be different. That is not a reason to not get a diagnosis if it is in the overall best interest of the child.

beetr00 · 09/01/2024 16:29

@Whenyourefifteen respect your son's wishes, he may very well change his mind at a later date.

There is a huge amount of support online which you could access together.

This is just one such site

community.autism.org.uk/f/mental-health-and-wellbeing/35299/why-is-school-so-hard

ntmdino · 09/01/2024 16:59

Regulus · 09/01/2024 16:03

@ntmdino I'm glad to hear that, I shield have said I was thinking in a school sense. However all the things you mentioned probably don't need a diagnosis- I can't imagine any of those scenarios asking for proof. It relies on you being willing to share the details which the teen doesn't want to do.

Ultimately I think it has to be your decision as the adult, but trying to force an older teen to get one isn't going to be easy.

I don't think it is the adults decision at 15, providing gillick competent.

There are scenarios where I've provided proof on the basis that the person I'm dealing with isn't convinced - that does happen, especially when the masking is strong that day, and it sucks when it's necessary; it's very difficult to convince someone that yes, I look totally normal, but we're entering a context where I know it could go wrong.

One was a police incident; the transition from "masking enough to appear neurotypical" to "can't mask this" looks to a police officer very much like the shift from "I'm fooling them!" to "downright suspicious". I have enough awareness of myself and confidence in my diagnosis to be completely up-front about it; it took some time to get there, however, and get past the ego-bruising fact that my mask isn't absolute and perfect. I keep my diagnosis report on my phone for exactly this kind of circumstance; it's pretty well-known that you can't rely on the police to treat autistic folk with dignity without them being forced to.

Another was my employer - a couple of us in the same team both had diagnoses, but the other one refused to disclose it to anyone but me. He ended up being fired for, essentially, autistic behaviour and he preferred to lose his job and get paid for his notice period than tell them (that put me in shitty position, since I was nominally his boss, but his disclosure to me was strictly personal and he explicitly told me it wasn't to be used in a professional context). When I disclosed my diagnosis to them, I could see exactly why - their attitude was awful - so I simply sent them the diagnosis report along with a summary of the relevant parts of the Equality Act. I only lasted a year in that job, mainly because it was a very hostile environment, but still...I had a concrete example of what the environment would've looked like had I not been able to smack them over the head with it.

Which is all to say...yes, you're right that proof isn't always required in many of those situations, but having the option of producing it can be very useful and can actually avoid situations which can deteriorate fast.

It's very true what another poster said, that his primary concern is the social implications - and that's not necessarily wrong. If he is autistic, then his life up to this point has been 90% about blending in, and making sure nobody sees the differences he can see from the inside. It's very, very difficult to get out of that mindset and forgive yourself for all the things about you that you think are "wrong" instead of "different". Hell, I went through this in my 40s and without the raging hormones of the teen years, and it still took me two years to be convinced that I should seek assessment. I'm absolutely glad that I did, though; it's changed my life, and not just in terms of the accommodations I can get if I feel I need them.

Just as an idea, maybe it might help him to actually speak to folk with a formal diagnosis, to see how they feel they've seen the benefits? That could be a bit less adversarial than a parent telling him he should do it...there are probably local charities who have group meetings that might be appropriate for that.

Hotchocolate2023 · 09/01/2024 17:00

At 15, if he doesn't want it that is his choice to make. No medical professional will go against his wishes. It's a moot point.

Amplissimo · 09/01/2024 17:24

A couple of possibly relevant points:

He may change his mind later. Waiting lists for an autism assessment can be very long. Depending where you are in this process, and whether or not you plan to go private, then it could be worth staying on the waiting list and seeing how he feels when his turn finally comes up.

Getting an ASD diagnosis doesn't come with a neon badge that you have to wear at all times. If he doesn't tell his friends, then nobody else will. The list of who has to be informed is extremely small.

Getting labelled and singled out (or bullied) isn't just for diagnosed people. It can and does happen to anyone who seems outside the "normal" range. Which, frankly, is probably him. A diagnosis can get you better tools and support for dealing with it, though.

An ASD diagnosis can be extremely helpful if you're going to university, as others here have mentioned.

WhatNoUsername · 09/01/2024 17:59

Regulus · 09/01/2024 14:33

a diagnosis will open up a lot of support

If this is the only reason you are doing it then I wouldn't bother.

There is no support with just a diagnosis and little support with a EHCP, and you won't get one of those it time for it to even be a tiny bit useful.

Also at nearly 16 I think you have to take into account his feelings. Maybe if a diagnosis would significantly change things I'd feel differently but it won't. He will still have the same troubles.

My DS got tons of support with a diagnosis (private at that!) but no EHCP. It's a bit of a "postcode lottery" as to what you can access with just a diagnosis. Some people as you say barely access the right support with an EHCP.

However as a minimum it doesn't cost a school much to put in place accommodations around homework, time out cards, use of laptop, exam adjustments etc etc and they are often on board with this type of thing as improves the child's behaviour and exam chances.

You should be able to access charitable support with a diagnosis - In my area there are support groups for parents and groups for children/teens if appropriate. And it make things like applying for disability benefits easier.

If he's applying uni in the future he can access a DSA with just a diagnosis.

And you can get reasonable adjustments at work and elsewhere with a diagnosis. My DS got his job via a disability scheme with just a diagnosis. They aren't worthless.

Your DS is worried about bullying and stigma? How is that going for him currently. Personally I found that my DS was bullied much more before his diagnosis, once he was diagnosed and accommodations and support were put in place he calmed down a lot and coped better, he attracted less unwanted attention and was able to form some friendships.

Personally your son is only 15. He doesn't know what's best for him so I think you need to decide for him. Although forcing him at this age is likely to be counterproductive, so I would just try to persuade him focussing on the benefits to him. How much easier it will make things for him if he has accommodations in place now or in the future. And no one has to know anyway. Why does he think his peers will find out? He doesn't have to tell them if he doesn't want to.

Phuketponderings · 09/01/2024 18:19

An EHCP would be entitle them to education up to the age of 25 years

120GSM · 09/01/2024 18:25

I don’t think you can do it without his consent at his age. I’d ask him if he’d give consent to go on the list so he can move up whilst thinking about it. Explain other students would never need to know at school

My dd was diagnosed at 17 and got her EHCP at 18. It helps in several areas and an EHCP lasts until 25. Am ASC diagnosis may lead to an ADHD diagnosis too.Areas differ re adult support after. Ours provides work shops and support groups

Flensburg · 09/01/2024 18:35

I had a lot of support at uni because of diagnosis and have support workers funded by social services because of it and so do other people I know. So it may open doors to support as an adult.
I would discuss with him putting his name down for assessment, with the agreement that he can decline to go through with it when it comes up if he wants to.

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