To want to spend 1-1 time with my older dc?

[Whaddde]

Dd1 is 8 and dd2 is 2. Since dd2 has been born I've had almost no alone time with dd1. We take turns now putting the kids to bed so every second day i get about twenty minutes with dd1 where i read to her before going to bed. We barely get through a full story because she has so much to say and just wants to chat. I want to let her talk but I can't relax because we are usually too late anyway with bedtime.

the first year dh was quite ill so struggled to look after dd2 on his own but now he is better. It's not like he doesn't pull his weight or doesn't get involved in looking after the kids. He does a lot for the kids and with the kids but somehow I just don't get any alone time with dd1. Whenever dd1 is with me so is dd2 with the exception of maybe driving her to a club or something like that (I only work 3 days a week so I get plenty of time with dd2 when dd1 is at school).

In the last 3 years there have been exactly 3 days where I requested dh to look after dd2 for the whole day so I could take dd1 out. That's all. And all 3 days I had to book with him well in advance and even dd1 says that it's not enough.

Mil and fil often come to visit but fil can't look after dd2 on his own and when mil is here she is more interested in spending quality time with dd1 herself so I see even less of dd1. My parents are too ill now to look after the kids and there is no one else.

I don't even have time to help dd with school work or her instruments. Our friends always say that dd has got an advantage because I can help her with the piano or the violin as I.play them myself. I would love to but I can't do it with dd2 around.

I dont want much. Just maybe a couple of hours a week or one afternoon a month. But dh just doesn't see the need. Also, I'm not sure to.be honest where he would have the time to take dd2 more. Its not like he's putting his feet up while i look after the kids. We've got too much shit going on and he usually works till dinner time. And dd2 has been ill a lot last year which again meant less time for dd1.

It's not just that I feel bad and guilty but I.also want to spend more time with dd1. I miss spending time with her. We used to be so close and I don't want to lose that. She and her sister usually rub along quite well and dd1 plays with her a lot but she also told me that she would sometimes like to just have time with me. And lots of things are just not possible when dd2 is around.

I'd be happy to return the favour to dh so that both of us get regular alone time with dd1.

Yabu: dd1 is getting plenty of family time. She doesn't need 1-1 time and neither do you.

Yanbu: it's important for each parent to spend alone time with each child and the parents somehow have to make time for that.

What time are they going to bed and could you change the routine to get younger one to bed first, maybe by dropping the nap? My eldest (7) goes at 8, while youngest (4) goes at 7, and has since she was a toddler. It does mean whoever does him isn't finished to later in the evening, but it is nice having that time together.

Do you don't spend time together as a family? Because if you do you easily cut an hour out of that for one to one. We do one to one time every Saturday morning and alternate who goes with which kids. Then family time Saturday afternoon. (And then if you've got so much life admin your dh could do that all day Sunday)
Also while the toddler naps (on weekends) you build some lego with dd1 or whatever.
And keep DD1 up 1/2hour later for chats.

I think you are unreasonable to say that there is no time

There are 48 hours in a weekend. Being generous around sleep, say they are awake for 12 hours each day that is 24.

Are you really saying in that 24 hour period over 2 days you don’t have a couple of hours to spend with your DD? Yes your husband will need to look after DD2. Big deal, he is her parent he should be able to do that

Maybe reframe it as 121 time each week with each child. Block out time each week where you take DD1 on her own, husband takes DD2 and then switch the next week. That means each child is getting quality time with a parent once a week. Then block out the same time on the other day of the weekend for a family activity

Ah OP, I sympathise but have to agree with others.

Whatever jobs your husband is doing on a Saturday or Sunday morning could surely be delayed by a couple of hours for you to take your eldest out to to a coffee shop/garden centre cafe or whatever while he watches the little one.

I do understand your predicament because I think as women and mothers we get so used to managing everything ourselves that we forget that actually there is another fully capable human in the house to help with things!!

That said, I am one of two children and I don't really remember ever having much time along with either parent once my sister was around? I do think it's part and parcel of having siblings that you sort of come as a package. But I guess with the bigger age gap between yours, it probably does notice a bit more for your DD1 that you don't have as much time with her so I'd definitely try and squeeze a little tea & cake morning in here and there.

I do also understand though that having a 2 year old is full on and when they're out of the picture (napping or playing with other parent) it's tempting to try and get loads of jobs done like washing and cleaning before they're back in action.

I have similar 6year gap. When ours were those ages we'd take a child each for bedtime.
We tried swapping nightly but really that was a pain, so we swapped based on the book DC1 was reading at the time Harry Potter I'd do bed - Star Wars DH!

It worked for us.

Take eldest dd up to bed earlier so you can spend an hour together. Chat about the say then story

When mine were younger (single parent with absolutely no help) I would do allsorts, with ds I used to wake him up to watch WWE events in the middle of the night, he's grown up now and some of his favourite memories are of us sitting, watch wrestling, and eating cereal at stupid o'clock. Occasionally I would sneak him out of school at lunchtime and we would go to a cafe when the younger one was in nursery. I adjusted bedtimes so I had about 45 minutes every night too. Sometimes I would plonk the little one down with some crap on the TV and a snack so we could have a chat.

It's hard, but it's definitely doable, especially if your dh can step up more.

Try book a babysitter one afternoon/evening a fortnight or month to take dd1 out. If dh comes too fine if hes busy fine.

You just have to grab that time where you can. It doesn’t need to be a full day out of the house. A cinema trip on a Sunday afternoon or an hour baking just the two of you whole DH takes smallest to the park.

@Outthedoor24 , @StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips love these ideas!