Trigger warning: To think we shouldn't give up on our friend in abusive relationship

[kookykalki]

My mum is very good friends with a lady who may as well be my aunt. I will call her Sarah for the purpose of this thread. Sarah is in bunch of our group chats with my actual aunts, has known my mum from school, knows my granny etc.

For about 25 years Sarah has been married (and is still married) to a horrible, controlling, aggressive and violent man. They have 3 children (ages 20, 16,10). She does everything for the children, he doesn't contribute a penny towards the children and sounds like a grudgingly pays towards bills.

About 10 years ago, Sarah tried to take her own life in a hotel room and was then diagnosed with bipolar disorder and some kind of paranoia. It has since transpired that her oaf husband has been gaslighting her eg. Will cut up her clothes and make her think she's done it, hide her medicines, do weird things with her jewellery like throw them all over the garden and make her think she's done them. He'll call her nasty names eg. Transvestite, prostitute etc and then say he didn't but her children will have witnessed it etc.

Every now and again, roughly 2-3 times a year, Sarah is convinced she wants a divorce. Her husband becomes really manipulative, goes into overdrive mode trying to make her feel like she's crazy. He threw a glass at her yesterday.

My mum and aunts have always been very supportive of her when she does want a divorce but this time round they've said she has to make the decision and they can't hand hold her through it. The reason being is that she never actually goes through with it and everyone feels like they've invested themselves too much or something. Although I appreciate that we can't actually do it for her, my question is, how do I support her? She has no parents, she has a brother who I think has some sort of learning disability and she cares for him too and so it seems like the only other people she knows is us. I think it would be awful if we then stopped being there for her. I appreciate it's frustrating that she isn't going through with a divorce but I can imagine it's a very difficult place she's in. She phoned up the other day to say she's scared of being alone if she gets divorced.

Tl;Dr: don't know how to support friend in controlling and violent relationship

Up to you but I wouldn’t invest any time and effort here. You can’t make the decision for her and she clearly isn’t ready or will ever leave, so there is nothing you can really do.

You can make an anonymous report to social services or NSPCC as a welfare concern for the children as this is domestic abuse and there's two children under 18 in the house

The controlling,gaslighting behaviour and verbal and emotional abuse is unlikely to just be confined to your family friend but extended to her children especially if any of them are female.

I had a friend in a similar situation. It took 18 long years for her to leave the wanker. I absolutely remained her friend. How could I not? I used to go out for walks with her and let her talk. When she finally left it was brilliant and now she is happy with a wonderful kind man and we see loads of each other.

You already know this but she has to be ready.

Thank you for being supportive of this lady.

I've come across this in my job so many times. Friends who spend years saying "I am here for you, how ever long it takes, I'm by your side, you can call anytime, etc" but then get fed up because the friend is taking too long.

But, has she got support in place to be able to leave him. has she got somewhere to go with the kids? Will he leave? sounds like he wouldn't. it's ok saying she should divorce him but maybe she also needs practical help to do that? She needs a place to go to. maybe it's all too overwhelming for her.

There are two sides to this.

One is that Sarah needs her friends not to give up on her in her hour(s!) of need. Just because she hasn't left yet doesn't mean she needs the support any less.

Another is that your mum and aunt sound like they have compassion fatigue. That's a very real phenomenon, it can be incredibly draining to emotionally or otherwise support somebody who isn't helping themselves to improve their situation. You care about them, your emotions are put through the wringer, and you don't have any control over their choices to keep themselves in the situation. In this case they invest more then usual to try to support her to finally break free this time, only to despair when she doesn't manage it. It can be very depleting and as the old saying goes you need to put your own oxygen mask on first.

The thing to do is to take a break and a rest, rather than to say never will I support this person again.

It's a difficult one. I can see where your mum and aunts are coming from. It's a heavy thing to support someone through, and if they've been through this multiple times before and it's never gone anywhere, I can understand them feeling they no longer have the mental resources.

Having said that, leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult, especially if the victim is married with children. It takes on average 7 attempts to leave. If you still feel you have the strength and energy to support her, then I commend you for that, but please don't begrudge your mum and aunts if they don't.

It seems your friend is in need of some practical support. Would it be safe for her to contact women's aid?

What a poor woman going through this and for such a long time. She must be terribly dragged down by it. I have been in a similar situation and you become a shell of yourself.

i would say the very fact that you offer to be there for her and are not being judgemental is a wonderful thing to do.

I would also maybe see if you can talk to her and see if she would be open to speaking to her local domestic abuse charity. She is a victim and needs support.

Keep supporting her. It doesn’t have to be a huge drama each time she says she wants to leave. Quiet, reliable support and offers of practical help where applicable.

Has she had any professional advice? Women’s Aid, specialist lawyers? Housing/ police? Our local area has a One Stop Shop on a regular basis where people can get all of this under one roof a few times a month.

Absolutely agree with this. I was in similar position to your Mum with my close friend who put up with several years of emotional abuse from her DH. I was incredibly fatigued at one point so much so that it was affecting my life, sleep, relationship with my DH etc. I had to back off. I didn’t cut off completely but reduced my contact. Putting my oxygen mask on first as PP described. I’m a massive empath, too much at times. Of course my friend’s situation/life was way worse but it was her life and her choices. You really cannot influence people unless they want it.
Thankfully she saw the light eventually.

Agree with a lot of what PPs have said. I just came on to add that you can advise her to phone the Police next time he does something like throw a glass at her. It is my experience that Police take this very seriously, particularly since they have children living in the house. It also shows her H that he has crossed a line and that she has back up that has authority over him. I hope this helps.

Thank you all. I appreciate your helpful responses.
TRIGGER WARNING BELOW FOR MH/overdose
I woke up to the news today that Sarah had "accidentally" taken 9 cocodamol tablets. She was being treated by paramedics. My heart feels so heavy. What is the need to be so cruel to another human being 💔

There's that saying - don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. And it's true. People can only give so much. When other people's drama and problems start to affect your own mental health, you shouldn't be made to feel guilty for taking a step back. It isn't a judgement. It's just saying "I don't have any more to give."

I was in a similar situation with a close friend. She wanted to leave but felt trapped. In the end I was worried for her young children who had already been through so much, so I contacted social services. It took a while but SS helped her to leave with the children and they are all now thriving in their new lives. It was a tough call at the time and I was worried at how my friend would react, but Im so glad I did it, and she is too. I doubt she would have left without SS involvement. You have my sympathies as it's so hard.