Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be confused by this behaviour?

23 replies

letsgoslowbutnottooslow · 08/01/2024 22:01

I met a guy at a wedding 4 months ago. Have been seeing him ever since. I would say we have taken it pretty slow but we do message/voice note every day but only see each other once a week as I have kids, full on job etc and he has dogs and full on job.

About 2 months into seeing him I perhaps came across a little strongly. I was starting to like him and showed him this. We had a chat and he told me he was just looking for something casual (although he said serious at the start). So I thought about it, I thought the sex is good, his company is good, I don't mind him coming over when the kids are at their dads and having some wine and dinner and good sex and leaving it at that whilst I can actively date others. So we agreed to that. All good.

At that point I distanced myself a bit just to protect my own emotions. Still been in contact daily, still meeting up but I just pulled back a little. Kept a bit more of myself up myself, not as much cuddling as there was, just concentrating on me, my kids and my job again without much thought put in to him.

He has now completely changed his tune wherein he seems to be coming across very keen again, getting jealous and asking if I'm seeing other men, texting much more, asking me to go out for dinners (before this is was strictly drinks and food in the house other than our first few dates), telling his family about me. The problem now is, I'm not interested in him like that. In fact the past few weeks I've been struggling to even view him in a sexual light anymore and I'm not sure if it's because there is no emotional connection for me there anymore.

It's a shame because I did like him but he wasn't interested and now he is, I'm not. What is this behaviour about? AIBU to be confused?

OP posts:
Changingplace · 08/01/2024 22:04

I think he’s playing games, wants to keep you at arms length when it comes to commitment but doesn’t want you to find anyone else either.

I’d call him out on it, say you thought he only wanted something casual so why the change in behaviour? It’s either on or off, don’t let him string you along.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 08/01/2024 22:05

Move on. He told you he wanted casual and you took him at his word. Now he thinks you may be looking elsewhere he's trying to reel you back in, probably because his ego prefers someone who is really into him even when he isn't prepared to commit. You've gone off him sexually so there's not much to build on anymore.

Merryoldgoat · 08/01/2024 22:05

He showed you his true colours. Your body is screaming at you that he’s not a good one.

You withdrew and suddenly you’re the toy he can’t play with and he’s worried someone else is playing with it now.

proceed with caution.

takealettermsjones · 08/01/2024 22:08

You've handled this perfectly!

Ha ha! Fuck around and find out, Mr Fickle.

Tell him it's no longer working for you and move on.

mumsytoon · 08/01/2024 22:08

You both messed up. 2 months in and coming on strong is red flag behaviour so I don't blame him. But then he started playing games. So I would call it quits.

mumsytoon · 08/01/2024 22:09

takealettermsjones · 08/01/2024 22:08

You've handled this perfectly!

Ha ha! Fuck around and find out, Mr Fickle.

Tell him it's no longer working for you and move on.

And you have nothing to add about op initially coming on strong then drawing back. The messing around didn't start with the guy!

Honeyroar · 08/01/2024 22:11

You say you’re not interested in him like that, don’t view him in a sexual light anymore and there’s no emotional connection. So what’s the point?? Even without his games. He’s not the one for you. Call time?

takealettermsjones · 08/01/2024 22:11

mumsytoon · 08/01/2024 22:09

And you have nothing to add about op initially coming on strong then drawing back. The messing around didn't start with the guy!

I read it as the guy initially said he wanted something serious, and so did OP, so about two months in she felt free to tell him how much she liked him, which she now reflects may have been a bit strong. They then had a chat wherein he said he only wanted something casual, so OP dutifully pulled back. I don't think she's played games?

unvillage · 08/01/2024 22:13

Game playing. He has a good thing going (sex with you and also with as many other women as he wants, you're always there if his prospects don't work out), of course he doesn't want to lose you. Bin him off. If all you're getting out of this now is sex with someone you're not particularly interested in - you can get that anywhere.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/01/2024 22:14

takealettermsjones · 08/01/2024 22:08

You've handled this perfectly!

Ha ha! Fuck around and find out, Mr Fickle.

Tell him it's no longer working for you and move on.

Yup

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/01/2024 22:15

mumsytoon · 08/01/2024 22:08

You both messed up. 2 months in and coming on strong is red flag behaviour so I don't blame him. But then he started playing games. So I would call it quits.

I disagree after two months it's ok to want to know where you stand

poetryandwine · 08/01/2024 22:15

I think your body is telling you that he isn’t right for you, OP

letsgoslowbutnottooslow · 08/01/2024 22:16

When I say I was coming on strong, I was speaking about marriage or kids or anything but I had mentioned that I really liked him and would like to see him a little more than once a week. He couldn't commit to this and asked for casual. I agreed. But now he's heated up and I'm not feeling it.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/01/2024 22:17

I don't mean this as it might come across...but why do you care? You say there is no longer any emotional or sexual connection there any more in any case so surely stop the whole thing?

He might be playing games because his ego is bruised, he might have decided now the pressure is off and he has got to know you a bit more after another couple of months, that he likes you after all. But either way you don't seem to like him...

YoureALizardHarry11 · 08/01/2024 22:27

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/01/2024 22:15

I disagree after two months it's ok to want to know where you stand

Perfectly normal to start really liking someone after two months of regular contact, surely? Am I on a different planet?

But yes, OP. Nothing to do with you and everything to do with his ego. Seems like he has some self esteem issues and uses you and your interest level to validate him. Tell him you’re sick of his mind games and move on.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/01/2024 22:42

So he was coming to your house, was he? You are having dinner and drinks and sex. You didn't go any dates. Did he really think that was going to satisfy you?

JennaIee · 09/01/2024 00:03

I dont think either of you are in the wrong. He possibly protected his emotions 8 weeks in and you're protecting yours now. You're either feeling it or you're not, and if you're not just call it a day.

EvilElsa · 09/01/2024 00:44

It's over. You've got the ick basically -you've gone off him. Make the split and move on. He clearly only became interested in a relationship when you showed you didn't want one and his ego got battered. He wanted you to be begging for his attention and it's backfired on him massively so he's trying to reel you back in. I'd put money on him suddenly going off the relationship idea again if you showed more interest. It's a waste of time OP.

Fionaville · 09/01/2024 00:58

I remember as teenagers we knew never to come on 'too keen' You wouldn't think as fully grown adults you'd have to play at being more 'hard to get' But obviously there are still grown men out there still playing those games. Either forgive him his fickle, immaturity, if you do actually like him. Or move on and teach him a valuable lesson!

dontgobaconmyheart · 09/01/2024 01:07

To be honest it just sounds like he has is own problems and was never relationship material anyway - being jealous doesn't mean he's suddenly developed strong feelings for you, it simply means he is jealous (a red flag either way you look at it) and wants to be able to have control of the situation again.

As you've come full circle on it and don't want a relationship or even fancy him anymore I just wouldn't waste precious energy analysing it because it's a bit moot really. I'd just tell him it's over and move on.

Aprilx · 09/01/2024 01:12

It's not that confusing. The timing of your feelings didn't line up with his, it happens.

Quitelikeit · 09/01/2024 08:43

This is a bit ridiculous. Seems to me like you both really like each other. You stepped back to protect your feelings but now he has made his feelings clear you imo still want to punish him maybe?

After two months many people would not know how to handle someone coming on a little strong

I mean if your feelings changed because of some other genuine reason then fine but I just think you are bluffing and have your guard up

Ablondiebutagoody · 09/01/2024 08:48

If you've gone off him then you've gone off him, move on. He only wanted casual sex once a week so has no right to be getting jealous.

I don't understand why you are in daily contact though.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread