Hand Hold - Is it okay to stop work for 3-4 years

[desperateforchangethisyear]

Trying to stay anon so won't say as many details. In the last 6 months my 2 young dc diagnosed with life changing disabilities, genetic and one CP too.

I've been in my role 5 years FT, went back 6 months early with baby my manager pushed me to and agreed to 4 days a week instead of FT. I had asked for 3 days/week and she said no. The 3 people she hired to take my role quit within month, numbers down, ppl refused to use our service until I returned. Since then manager makes ad hoc eve mtgs, texts/calls/emails eves and wknds my day off, even on bank holidays. She owns my life. It feels like she's trying to exert power over me to make me stay, only it's doing the opposite. I meet every target and then some so it isn't like I'm slacking. I care that the work is done and done well. My manager frequently tells me I'm the most reliable employee she's ever had.

Since returning 6 months ago, I'm struggling as there are appointments I use my day off to do, plus 1 - 2 am a week so I work late night at home to make up. We have appointments every Sat. Youngest is gtube fed, I'm up every 1-2 hrs with that, meds, moving position, suctioning. We've had 5 wks of hospitalisations - 3 unplanned, one surgery. I've used my annual leave and unpaid days off on that.

I have a private income for the next 6 yrs (related to being a lone parent) it gives me 2nd wage until summer 2029. My plan was to bank it so I have savings. Wage is avg. However, I don't feel like I can keep going. I exist. There's no time for anything. Work rules my life. Everything is work or medical stuff. I love my dc dearly and they are so delightful, it's work that feels unrelenting, not them. I want to have fun with my dc again. Have time to nap when baby does so I can function better. I want to look forward to our days. Have time for the park or picnic after appointments. Live, not exist.

At first it felt irresponsible to stop work. But it feels impossible. I can't sleep for more than 1-2 hrs, the list of things to do never ends. I was honest with GP & dc's nurse and they've told me with dc's disabilities few people work, let alone 33+ hrs. Their advice was to stay home until baby in primary, then return to a job that is PT b/c these needs will get bigger. I worry they are just being very kind and I'm being irresponsible.

I'm here b/c I want to know if I'm being selfish by contemplating this. If the reasons are reasons enough. I've always worked and paid my way. 20 + yrs in my sector. I love my work. I don't want to put my family at risk (I have older dc too). I worry about what's going to happen to me if I continue as I am. I can't explain how hard it is. I could take some of the leave that parents are entitled to, but I also know she will be very upset/angry. I'm not trying to make other people's lives harder, I'm trying to help my family thrive in really hard circumstances.

I’d definitely be handing my notice in if I were you. Like you say, you want to live not exist. As long as you can afford it which it sounds like you can, then go for it. And don’t feel guilty! It sounds like you can’t go on like this.

I have disabled DC and didn’t work at all for 7 years, I do have a DH so we lived off his wages, DLA and carers allowance. Carers allowance ensured my continuing NC contributions during that time. I then went back very part time for a further 7 years and now back at full time again 5 years later.

DC is a young adult now, full time work for me is still hard as they still have care needs but it’s manageable in a way it wasn’t when they were younger. Then we had at least one, often more than one, hospital appointment each week, then further physios / OT/ portage appointments. Then school based stuff as they got older and then planned and unplanned hospital admissions. Post 18 almost all support drops off anyway but there are is still endless admin to do but that can be done in the evenings. Sleep is still an issue for them tbh but they sleep better now, or if they don’t sleep I can leave them to it!

Take the time off, keep in touch with your field in the meantime. I lead a charity and did some further, incomplete, studying and ease yourself back in when they are older.

Ps - don’t forget unpaid parental allowance. As a parent of a child receiving DLA you get additional weeks. I needed to use that while full time working when DC was 17/18 years old and the needs ramped up again and it all got a bit much

Ps - don’t forget unpaid parental allowance. As a parent of a child receiving DLA you get additional weeks. I needed to use that while full time working when DC was 17/18 years old and the needs ramped up again and it all got a bit much

I guess you mean unpaid parental leave. And no, there are no extra weeks if the child is on DLA. The only difference is that you can use up the allowance in days. If the child is not on DLA, it needs to be taken in weekly chunks ;-)

In your position I would definitely take a few years out.

You have to be strong and put yourself first so you can look after your family. 💐

It doesn't have to be one or the other.
You can get and do another job. You can do this straight away or in a few weeks, months or years.
I'm a very career oriented individual but my kid is likely to be diagnosed with ASD soon. I never thought I'd work less than full time, but I needed to, for me and my kid. Adapting to circumstances does not change who you are or your achievements to date.
We've only got one life and it's too short to be spent stretched beyond capacity.

As long as you can afford it, in your position it sounds as if it would be the best thing .

In the meantime keep your eye out and there may be something comes up which would perhaps provide some income with less hours so you wouldn't need to use up all of the savings you were hoping to make . I am assuming that this is from another part time role which would take some of your time and energy anyway ? (Or have I misunderstood and its benefits or maintenance related ).

I stopped working when ds was accepted into a sen school and I had to be home for the taxi. I was a senior programmer and got made redundant. I didn't look for another job as I was constantly feeling like having a breakdown. Wish I'd done it as soon as he was diagnosed in hindsight

@Fedupandconfused0815 - yes, my mistake. It’s the spreading it out that’s possible not any additional time.

I also never ever agree thats women should give up work. Until today.

For both reasons, your children need you, and you more importantly need to not be working for someone who is awful.

I've been there, messages before work, evenings, every weekend, no respite whatsoever. It almost drove me to losing my mind.

If you can manage financially then absolutely go for it.

Life sounds very difficult and only you can say whether you want to give up work or whether it is better to stay for career purposes. This stood out for me

Since then manager makes ad hoc eve mtgs, texts/calls/emails eves and wknds my day off, even on bank holidays. She owns my life. It feels like she's trying to exert power over me to make me stay,

I would absolutely NOT take a call/text or email on days off. I would point out very clearly to her that she is overstepping boundaries, that I have 2 young children with additional needs and that when I am NOT in work that they are my priority and I will not be answering calls or attending meetings in an evening. I would put this politely in writing and consider going on sick leave if necessary.

You mention being responsible a few times in your OP but I’m not seeing how caring for your child is in any way irresponsible. You adapt to your circumstances and this is exactly why we have a welfare state.

Good luck OP. It’s not an easy role you have at home, but let go of any feelings of duty towards the system. It’s there to support you to look after your family. 💐

it sounds like you have everything in place so it is a good park and will give you the breathing space you need.

Me and dh have both been out of work for 3 years now as have SEN/ disabled dc. We survive on UC, carers, dla/pip. It’s exhausting

Park - idea !!

You are not being selfish. You are being reasonable, realistic and realigning your priorities. You have been given a possibility from this extra income and what better use of than taking steps to be a more sane, balanced and available Mum to your children. Do it. And don't feel bad.

Do it.

But as an aside, as you do, you should also consider why on earth you let your manager encroach on your time like that. Where are your boundaries? And why on earth did your husband or your mum or none of your friends say to you, you must stand up for yourself and push back?

You can quit, absolutely, if you want to.

In your position, I'd probably look for more of a half way house though. I'd speak to my manager and say the current situation isn't working for you and you don't need the job so are considering quitting. But you would like to stay but set out your boundaries (i.e. fixed working hours, no contact outside these hours, no appointments on days off). You will have to enforce them though (my friend got a cheap PAYG phone for work, pays £5 a month for a SIM only, her manager only has that number and she turns it off when her working day is up - it gave her a hard boundary and she never has to decide whether to ignore a call or not, she simply doesn't know it's incoming until she turns it back on in working hours).

But - that's only because I counted down the end of my maternity leave and being home with the kids full time is not for me. Working part time saves my sanity, but it is harder and I have to say no more now that I have non-work obligations, but this will ease up in time and I know I've kept my foot in the door for when I want progression and decide to start going above and beyond again in future.

There's no shame in you giving up work if that's the right choice for you.