Landed in the Twilight Zone with family

[Anawana]

I visited my family for the New Year and it all went south.

For background, my parents got a divorce when I was 8 months old. My dad moved to another city when I was 3 years old, and my mum when I was 5, leaving me with my abusive nan.

I don't talk to my dad for abandoning me and never attempting to patch things up. My mum was promoted when she moved away and made a good career. Bought a few properties. Her narrative was always 'I had to leave my daughter, but secured her future this way'.

Recently she retired and started travelling the world. She put up one of her properties on sale. The narrative now changed to 'These are my houses. I can do whatever I want with them'. This was in August and although I felt like me growing up motherless lost any silver lining whatsoever, I supported her decision. I do have a good career and never relied on her anyway.

In November we had an unrelated argument. She was never there for me physically or emotionally. Whenever I spoke about my problems, she goes 'It's not important. Just don't worry about it'. 2 months ago I stopped talking to her for this behaviour

Fast forward to holidays, I visit my hometown and she's there. Doesn't even bother greeting me, she is in a very standoffish foul mood. I try to stay positive and interact with other relatives.

The night just before I travel back, she confronts me in front of everyone. She goes 'Anawana is upset that I'm selling the houses. I won't speak with her until she makes peace with this and stops being angry with me for the past.' I was quite baffled and stated that me stopping to talk to her had nothing to do with finances, it was the lack of emotional support. For context, my therapist's report issued in November read as 'She has made progress in challenging the cognitionsthat sustained negative thoughts and self-criticism butit is evident the source of this is a childhood marked by neglect and abuse'. I was just done with her.

Now my family turned on me. I received messages siding with her after I got back home yesterday. No one believes that I'm after her money but her accusation clearly clouded their judgement. I feel like this is how she climbed up corporate ladders before and she's using it to turn everyone against me now. I do love the rest of family but don't want them interjecting themselves into something that has nothing to do with them. I'm open for a relationship with my mum if she takes accountability once in her life and changes her behaviour and be there for me. I feel like my family is blind to everything I've been through, despite witnessing it first hand. Perhaps guilt? AIBU?

Send them a copy of the snapshot of the report.

They all read the report. They refuse to see my childhood as is.

Maybe time to cut ties with them

I think your mum is fully aware of why you’re upset with her and she doesn’t think that you’re after her money for a minute. But if she admits this to herself, she’s going to have to acknowledge the fact that she was a pretty awful mother. It’s far easier for her to blame you and make up reasons why she’s the victim in this whole scenario.

She’s never going to be the mum you need her to be. Maybe it’s time to grieve for that relationship and then let it go.

I think I’d try and reduce contact with all of your family as well. Again, it’s easier for them not to fall out with her and if they acknowledge what a terrible mother she was, they’ll also have to acknowledge that they never stepped in to help you. If they message you again, reply only with ‘I love you and I don’t want to fall out with you’.

Thank you. Yes, I suppose accepting my childhood for what it was puts them on the spot for not stepping in to help.

Firstly I am so sorry that this was the type of mother you had, some people just should NOT be parents IMO.

Your feelings on this matter are absolutely valid. She abandoned you plain and simple and passed you off to (I presume her own mother) a lady who abused you, not that abandoning you with a loving person wouldn't still have left issues here but cmon she obviously knew the type of person she was leaving you with or she bloody well should have your her child!
I'm actually really angry for you after reading this. My absolute pet peeve is selfish parents ....especially mothers ...I can't comment from a personal experience on being a dad (I'm sure most are a different breed)!

But I have stepped away from friends because of their selfishness towards their kids.
How any mother can walk away from their child utterly baffles me....and this is a.complete reflection of her NOT YOU!
There is something seriously wrong with people like this....as human being it is GENETICALLY CODED INTO US to provide and protect our young...even at the expense of our own wants and needs ....any human I know would take a dirty unkept small flat with a loving caring and effectionate mother over a Palace, a very heavy inheritance and a mother who was cold and absent.
Personally I have made massive sacrifices for my kids and they will never know it because it is my job! I wouldn't have it any other way. I gave up work on a career i loved to be my sons full time carer because he needed me! I have zero social life or time to myself because MY KIDS NEED ME!

If my kids reach adulthood and say I was a good mum that is all I will ever need in life and the people who say otherwise shouldn't be parents.

2ndly cut her off....seriously the fact that she has no empathy and refuses to recognise the trauma she created makes me feel sick! This woman should have been sterilised!
And lastly do not allow your family to have input on this...if they insist on voicing their options walk away! There is nothing more abusive and unhealthy than someone that has endured trauma and being told ...you have no right to your feelings.....they are yours and they are valid! You do not owe them an explanation just to feed into this "pretence" that your mother isn't the type of person she is. You will only do yourself harm by trying to convince others of your truth! Either they stay out of it and maintain the relationship you have with them that should be separate from your mum or you walk away for your own health.....love yourself sweetheart, you've obviously done amazingly without her this far! You might never get the validation from her that you want but again that is a HER problem not a you problem. Fill your life with people who will give you all the love respect and presence you deserve without ever having to ask for it....sorry for the rant but this type of thing really grates my gears .....you deserved and DESERVE better ..period!

So she abandoned you to supposedly secure your future, then when she's made her money she makes no plans to do that, then turns your family against you. She's a toxic person and not a good mother.
When family members criticise you. I'd reply with 'I'm sorry that you think so little of me. After everything that's happened with my mum, I'm suprised that anybody thinks my main upset is with her selling a house. I care about you and don't want us to fall out'

OP I grew up in an abusive home (neglect and CSA) and my relations will absolutely not admit that this was the case, despite evidence from teachers, doctors, neighbours and from what they themselves actually witnessed and experienced in the abusive home. If they admit that it was abusive it raises the question of why none of them acted to protect me, an innocent child with no way of protecting myself. They deny my experience to preserve themselves. It's just the way it is, I know my own experiences and I honour that, not the delusion that everything was fine. I maintain relationships to my own comfort level without explanation to anyone, I don't act defend or justify myself.

Thank you for all comments. I started to question myself after my family's reaction but your comments help keep me honest.

@Dontbeme so sorry to read what you've been through. You seem to be dealing with it pretty well. Hope to get there one day.

This must have been so hard for you! You are not the problem. Time to go no contact.

This is very unkind but not uncommon behaviour, I am so sorry you have experienced it. The short answer to 'why' is that to admit her behaviour is bad, and your childhood difficult is to admit there own negligence and complicity. They are protecting their own self image by maintaining the lie that you are the issue here. I am sorry. Move on, move up, thrive and don't look back.

Try having a read of the stately home thread, it might help a bit.

Thank you. Yes, I suppose accepting my childhood for what it was puts them on the spot for not stepping in to help.

Dysfunctional families rarely stop at one or two people - and family systems and stories exist to prop up the dysfunction. I think you are the scapegoat - look at the youtube channel of Dr Ramani (sp?), lots of good info on narcissists.

I'd try to talk to her again. But keep it light. Say you are the bigger person. But will talk again.