To have feelings for my first love?

[lovelostlovegained]

Well, exactly what it says on the label.

I dated my first love throughout high school and some of our university years. I won't get into too much detail about the break-up, but it was kind of sudden and traumatic for me. I spent months in very bad depression, lost lots of my friends as a result, and quit my studies for a period while I was recovering. I quit dating for a year or so and for many years, struggled to find love and real connection.

Fast forward to my early thirties, I met my lovely husband. He is caring, kind, and lovely and I fell very deeply in love with him. While he is of course not perfect, we managed to create a strong bond and have two wonderful children. My question is, why am I still feeling so traumatized by a break-up that took place 20 years ago? It makes me feel sick to think about it, but I often think my real happiness and the life I dreamt of somehow escaped me, and I am not as happy and as grateful as I should be for my family.

There was "salt in the wound" recently when I learned he had married (at 40). While I should be happy for him or at least not care, I find myself desperately comparing myself to the bride, feeling jealous etc.

I guess I am writing here because I have no one else to talk to in real life. Most of my friends think it's ridiculous and just laugh it off. I attempted to talk to a family member over Christmas and he just responded "But you were kids back then, you can't possibly still love him".

I would like to let go of this story and let it rest, I feel tired and would like to be free of all residual pain/love/grief. Any non-judgemental words of wisdom are welcome. I want to make it very clear I don't communicate with the guy and don't make any attempts to rekindle any kind of friendship between us.

I bet if you spent a week with him (I'm not suggesting this for a second) you'd find him really annoying.
If you love your DH, you'll have your ways together. Shared humour, attitudes that you like and dislike. This man will be a different person himself now. He could have completely different attitudes to you about certain issues. He could be bored by the things you like and you of his likes. The point I'm making is, you were just kids. He was what appealed to you as a young person. I very much doubt he'd tick all the boxes for you now.
It's normal to look back at young love with Rose tinted glasses. But by speaking to your relative about it and even writing it here, you are blowing it up into something bigger! Stop yourself from thinking about him and definitely don't talk about him to anybody.

I think this is pretty normal, give yourself a break. It took me something like a decade to get over my teenage boyfriend, years after I started dating my now-dh. I was jealous of his girlfriends for years. He hasn't got married but it would punch my gut if I found out he did, even though I'm blissfully happy with my dh.

Just chalk it up as part of the human condition. Nothing new under the sun

A lot of people have a one that got away and I don't think what you're describing is uncommon. I have thoughts like this about an ex but like someone else said it's easy to look back with rose tinted glasses.
It sounds like you are giving these thoughts too much attention. The reality of who he is now is probably completely different to what you are picturing. I'd also suggest blocking him on social media so you snoop on his new life.

@seagull82 we're not connected on social media

Do you actually love your husband? Caring, kind and lovely are nice - but ultimately that’s a description I’d use for my brother. Did you perhaps see your husband as a safe bet when you met him and your feelings over this old boyfriend are pangs of regret that you’ll not experience the same sorts and depths of feelings you felt for him again?

Says she 'fell very deeply in love with him' which sounds like love

Okay my mistake, I'd still try to not give these thoughts airtime.

I do love my husband. Caring for young children and working full-time haven't exactly done wonders for our relationship, but it's stable and loving.

I know what you mean. I’m in the same position. Everything you describe. I think it’s called ‘limerance’. I adore my DH but I doubt there is ever a day that will go by for the rest of my life where I won’t think about ‘him’.

personally for me, he’s unmarried and now 43. He’s had a lot of professional success but I try to curb my wild thoughts with the fact that his perpetual singledom is possibly a red flag. Yes, I own up to the fact I’ve low-key stalked him on the internet for 15 years.

Met first love from school. Sadly his dad became ill with cancer and we drifted apart.10 years apart no contact I made a bad short marriage. Always wondered about first if circumstances hadn't intervened. He found me 5 years ago and messaged on social media next day we met up, boy the sparks were still there.28 days later we were married and also now have 4 kids and I've never been so happy

You have a lovely relationship with your husband but the relationship with this other bloke is free to be anything you want it to be in your mind - ie the most amazing thing ever in the world and the one thing you hugely missed out on. Except something happened to end this relationship that was so bad it completely messed up your life. So it's not amazing and you're not missing anything - except something that could easily have turned out to be incredibly dysfunctional. Imagine how traumatised you'd be if the sudden dumping had happened after you'd got married and had kids. I'd say you had a very lucky escape. He also hasn't married till his 40's - it's quite possible he's a player or not a great guy as the good ones tend to get snapped up pretty quickly generally speaking.

I think you need to look at ways to make your current life more interesting and exciting, not easy if you have young kids but if you improve you life then you'll have less need to be wondering if your life would have been better with him.

Could it be connected to the loss of your youth, coupled with nostalgia? I bet as others have said you'd get a shock if you saw him, how he's changed, etc, and spending time with him.

You’re not being unreasonable or unusual with your feelings, but you probably don’t feel for him what you think you feel.
Ask yourself this: if your first love came back into your life and you had the choice to leave him for your husband, how would you feel about that? Leaving your husband behind for an idealistic memory of the past?

Honestly hunni I think its the trauma your still dealing with....the idea and imagery of him and what you could of had because of how YOU felt. Its the rejection.....you said I find myself comparing myself to his bride.....why? Because she has something you don't? Or is it why was she more deserving of your love and commitment.....whats wrong with me or what did I do wrong.....this seems to me of more like a self esteem issue rather than still being in love with your ex. Like a failure, why did I fail? Why wasn't I enough kind of thing ....and seeing as he really hurt you I fully understand why you would feel like this but I think you would benefit from working on your self love....turn it around ....this was his loss, he missed out ...why do we always belittle ourselves?

Also I would recommend couples therapy for any parents.....kids turn you into mum and dad and you forget to be husband and wife....and learning to do both well takes alot of work. You are comparing an adult relationship to a time when you were young and free with little responsibility. Look at your husband, how he handles your every day life, how he treats you how he speaks to you, what kind of dad he is, what do you love about him. Now think about FLs qualities and put him into your life now....how would he react, what would your life be like? Your day to day life, and not the image and god you have built him up to be in your head over years actually use scenarios of when you were together ....how he handled pressure, how did he speak to you or care for you when you were struggling.....I don't think you would have the life you are convincing yourself you are missing out on. ....I think like most of us mums your feeling burnt out and looking through a fairytale lense of what could have been ...when really if you concentrate on watering the relationship you have and all the good qualities in that you won't even think about him anymore xxx

I know exactly how you feel OP. I went out with someone when i was 16, we only dated for a few months but i fell head over heels in love with him, worshipped him even. But he dumped me and broke my heart. I moved away not long after and didnt see him for years. Will call him Old Flame (OF) for ease

About 15 years ago (roughly) OF friend requested me on facebook and it felt like a punch to the gut. I accepted and looked at all his photos 😁Over the years when something he posted popped up it gave me butterflies, we would have very sporadic chats on messenger but nothing deep and meaningful. Just chit chat.

In 2022 my 20+ years relationship broke down and OF was one of my trusted circle of friends who helped me through it. I was 49 at this point and he was early 50's.

Anyway, OF and I rekindled our relationship, and he moved in with me 3 months ago and we are happy.

But he is not the same person he once was. My God, the moaning, i think if i hear "im going to complain to the council about that" one more time i am going to smother him in his sleep. He used to be so dynamic and spontaneous, now hes a pipe and slippers man, happy at home. Which i like but its not how i remember him.

As much as i love to think we would have still been together 35 years later and used to dream of being married to him and being with him all the time, i honestly dont think we would have lasted, he has changed so much from the young man i loved.

Dont get me wrong, i love the arse of him and we are planning on getting married but seeing the him now has taken the shine of the him that he was, the him that i loved with all my heart.

I think this is a fantasy thing... he reminds you of being young(er!) and without responsibilities.

Try and visualise being married to him now. Bet he snores. Leaves toast crumbs all over the counter. Takes a shit for an hour when you're trying to get the kids out of the house on a day trip. You know.

I have this too. Feel head over heels in love at 18 in my first term at Uni. Although we were only together around a year, that year felt like a real cornerstone of me forming my own identity.
We were both infatuated for a while then it was the summer holidays and he met someone else. There's more trauma to my story too, but basically I was devastated and dropped out of uni for a year. I never met anyone like him again.
Eventually I settled with a kind husband but I think about OF often.
I actually met up with mine for a platonic drink recently, it was fine - no sparks but hasn't stopped me thinking about him either.