Sleeping over

[teepee123]

My partner's daughter, 23, recently split up with her gf and moved in with us, shes been here 8 weeks. There is me and my partner and my dd23 and ds24 here.
She has met a girl online and has had her over to stay for the last 3 weekends. We haven't met her, they come in after we're in bed and we go out to work in the morning and she's gone by the time we get home.
AIBU to not like this situation? I'm happy for her to stay every now and then but not every week. It seems too early in a relationship to be expecting her to stay in our home every week. I feel awkward in my own house. My partner has asked to meet her and she said yes, of course but this hasn't happened yet.
My partner doesn't think there's anything wrong with her staying.
Sorry, I've rattled this off quickly and probably left lots out.
Oh, there is a history of a very similar situation about 3 years ago, with another girl.

She's an adult, she can have a a partner stay over in her home, I'd say it's her choice.

It sounds like the issue is maybe more that you'd like her to move out? That isn't unreasonable. Sharing a house with lots of adults is tricky.

She's an adult who can decide if she wants to be close to someone early

The GF is never seen because she's not there when you are so I don't see how she makes you uncomfortable

Is the issue you are actually uncomfortable with partner's DD being there at all?

It’s not up to you to decide what is acceptable in your 23 year old daughters relationship, if she wants to sleep in the same bed as her partner at the weekends who cares if mummy finds it too early in the relationship for that.

You don’t see the partner, it’s not like you are being forced to cook her a meal and what not. So I don’t really see what the issue is. How can that make you uncomfortable?

If you have an issue with the partner staying then talk to your dd, however I’d keep your opinion on it being too early in the relationship for sleepovers to yourself when you talk to her.

Thanks everyone, it's great to get another perspective on this. Sometimes you get trapped in your mindset and its hard to see around the blinkers.
My question wasn't about her sleeping with her, or how quickly they've slept together, it was about the expectation to stay every weekend without the build up of us getting to know her I guess.

I would be extremely annoyed with this, not because of the daughter having a partner stay over, but because it's so fucking rude that your stepdaughter hasn't employed the basic courtesy of introducing you to someone who is staying in your home. It's ridiculous that a 23 year old woman is being so immature and discourteous.

Hi OP, it does sound like the house is already crowded without adding a mystery gf to the inhabitants!
I agree that it's slightly thoughtless of her BUT this is what happens in blended families, especially with grown children - you didn't raise them so they don't know your house rules.
I'm afraid that if you say anything more you'll come across as wicked stepmother, picking on her because she's not your child. So in your shoes I'd let it go.
Is there a plan for any of the grown up kids to fly the nest anytime soon, on either side? If not then it's probably worth trying to firm up some ground rules at a whole family meeting, to make things smoother going forward.
Best of luck!

I'd be really uncomfortable with this. Is she paying rent? Fwiw it doesn't sound like 'it's her home'. It sounds like you kindly gave her somewhere to stay when her relationship broke up and she's taking the piss.

It’s not up to you to decide what is acceptable in your 23 year old daughters relationship, if she wants to sleep in the same bed as her partner at the weekends who cares if mummy finds it too early in the relationship for that.

This is really fucking patronising, frankly. I'd feel awkward and annoyed that I was repeatedly hosting a complete stranger I'd never yet met, in my home. I don't want people I don't know stopping over.

YANBU. I’d go knock on the bedroom door and introduce myself, it’s your house so your rules. If she’s unhappy with that she can move out? Suggest they alternate staying over at yours and the gf’s house. That’s not an unreasonable suggestion.

Might be unpopular view but there’s no way I’d have someone in my house that I’ve never met before. In fact it’s very awkward and strange. I’d be mortified if I was the girls partner sneaking around like a teenager.

Agree with this. Its basic good manners to at least stick your head round door and say hello to the people whose home you’re staying over in.

They’re grown adults, not embarrassed teenagers ffs.

DD21 has friends stay over often. Sometimes I see them in passing, sometimes I don't. She also has a new BF who had stayed twice and left a toothbrush in the bathroom before I laid eyes on him. They're in her room, and I have no problem with it.

Partner is OK with it and the partner is this girl's dad so if he's okayed it then you're going to look like you resent her (which I feel is the problem anyway) staying

Also - if they come in once you've gone to bed and have left before you get home... do you expect them to get up early to see you?

You'd probably complain they disturbed your sleep or got in the way as you were getting ready!