To distance myself from friend

[MumofAnarchy88]

So super long story...
I have a friend who has really been struggling with her mental health for the last 5 years.

We used to be super close until I fell pregnant with my 2nd child, during this time I was extremely ill throughout my pregnancy. I was passing out due to low blood pressure and at one point fell and split my head open whilst caring for my at the time 4 year old who is Autistic. This is when my friend decided she no longer wished to visit (she drives, I don't and we stay about a 15 drive away from each other in the country, but 2 bus rides away) .
Usually I wouldn't have had a problem visiting her and making the journey but given that I was passing out anywhere between 4 and 10 times a week, it just wasn't safe for me to do so with my autistic child.
So during my pregnancy we massively drifted apart. Then when I gave birth to my 2nd child and lock down hit and other than the odd like on social media we didn't really talk.
We ended up back in contact and I found out she had made a suicide attempt....I felt awful for not being there to support her and we started messaging again. I have seen her in person maybe twice in the last 3 years but we talk on the phone and message each other.

So my issue is she is always talking about suicide, I am constantly talking her back from the edge, offering to meet up spending hours calming her down and then she never follows through for a catch up and I don't hear from her for weeks or months. Also its probably worth mentioning my BF committed suicide when I was a teenager and it MASSIVELY effected me ...even now when I'm nearly 40.
My partner massively dislikes this friend and has suggested that this seems like a very unhealthy relationship.
When she gets in contact she is hysterical, and I spent hours calming her and then I don't sleep because my anxiety is through the roof, she then blanks me for several weeks while posting on social media, nature walks, coffee house visits, out for meals, lots of pictures in underwear showing her gym progress.and then boom out of no where I'll get a message saying she can't cope she doesn't want to be here and its just so emotionally and mentally draining.
She is frequently at her GP and on meds for her MH, she has been to therapy, I don't know what else to suggest. I have offered catch ups and outings, walks, to go to the gym with her for company to reduce anxiety (keeping in mind she isn't anxious to post very revealing pics all over social media but finds it crippling to walk into a gym fully clothed) .
St this point for my own MH I feel like cutting her off but because of my previous experience (which she is well aware of) I feel I can't....I am terrified that the one time I don't respond that she will carry out on the suicide (this is what happened with BF previously) ...I just feel so ill with the whole thing and I have my own family and own life but she just constantly expects me to drop what ever I'm doing and give her my full attention. I am a SAHM and my sons carer and my kids sleep very poorly for example its 3:05 right now and my son is awake after only going to bed at 11:30 ....I'm just so drained....but if I walk away and anything happens I know it would cripple me....HELP

@MumofAnarchy88 no it’s no healthy especially when you are feeling so affected by it.

you say it doesn’t work as it starts again weeks later- however in the short term if you are feeling too scared/guilty to cut her off fully this could be a way to give you a rest if only for a few weeks whilst you gain confidence to fully cut her off.

This.

You are very kind and generous, OP. Your ‘friend’ is selfishly taking advantage of this. You need to distance yourself, for your own health and for your family.

I have a friend who is suicidal. She used to message me during these episodes and I found it so stressful and upsetting. I ended up telling her that it was unfair to put me in that position and that I’m not a mental health professional so cannot be the person she contacts in a crisis. It took time but she now messages me after the attempt (usually from hospital), it’s sad and I hate that I can’t do more for her, but I have to put my own mental health first, and so should you

This

You’re just a convenient sounding board, not a genuine person with needs or feelings of your own. Your willingness to listen and care is actually feeding the gremlin after midnight. I would establish very clear boundaries by advising her that you are physically and emotionally exhausted by your own life and if she mentions suicidal ideation you are unable to help her but will call the police for a welfare check - every…single…time. I would also advise her that perhaps her isolation and anxiety would be reduced if she started to consider the other person in her relationships and choose to connect with them for purposes other than having someone to listen to her.

I thought EUPD/BPD as I was reading your thread.

Like a pp has said, people who make a lot of noise and shout about suicide rarely do. Lots of 'attempts', usually 3 paracetamol and a swift call to someone to tell them what they've done, but they rarely complete suicide unless it's by misadventure.

You really do need to just block her, OP. She was hardly worried about you when you were going through your health issues during pregnancy, was she? This is going to drain you to the point where it will affect your relationship with your partner and kids, as you'll be so burned out from her. Block her.

That isn't at all true, it's a much-repeated myth. Many people who complete suicide do so after one or more previous attempts.

Please don't spread this myth because it can deter people from taking talk of suicide seriously and that is very dangerous.

Most people who choose to end their lives have indeed talked about, written about it in journals and/or spoken to mental health professionals. It is unusual for a suicide to come out of the blue. You'll often see quotes from family and friends saying how shocked they are and how "out of the blue" the suicide was but having being a coroner's court journalist I can tell you that in almost every case, there has been indicators of serious mental illness. Lots of people just can't accept that someone they love would suicide but that's normal in the denial stage of grief which can last a long time.

Having said that, it is not OP's responsibility to be her friend's crisis counsellor and calling the police is the right thing to do if someone you know is making plans to end their life

Like a pp has said, people who make a lot of noise and shout about suicide rarely do.

My father made a lot of noise and quite literally shouted about suicide, and he did kill himself. I carried the (inappropriate) guilt for decades over it.

Also used to have no idea what boundaries were and found them very hard to implement, even after much study and a decade plus of practicing.

Lots of us have been where you are, OP. It's hard to do, as the fear and the what if and the conditioning that you are supposed to save this one lingers. But you need to put a stop to this woman using you - she will eat you alive if you don't.

If you can afford some more therapy, it would serve you well.

She's an adult and can go and get some paid therapy, also; not with you.

Firstly, your boyfriend's suicide was not your fault. His family were hurting but they should never have sent you that letter.

With your friend I would make the choice yourself, don't let your current boyfriend distance you from your friends. However, I think he has a point and I think you do too.

I had to make this decision once and it was the hardest choice I've had to make. But it was severely affecting my life and I did have to think of myself. I couldn't cope with the trauma dumping.

It is tough as it potentially means you never hear from that person again and your mind will be wondering about them for a long time.

But personally I made the right choice. Just a polite message saying very sorry but I'm not the right person to be telling all this too, that you know it's tough and you hope she finds peace but she needs a counsellor.

If she responds to that and gets help then maybe there is hope but if not then you do just have to be blunt I'm afraid and go no contact.

The energy she is siphoning off you should be focused on your own needs, your loving partner and 2 beautiful children.

She is just using you now, as she doesn't make any effort in your friendship except to fulfill her own needs.

You can't save her. It's not your job or responsibility.

It was absolutely appalling that your BF and his family blamed you and you are definitely not responsible or to blame for his suicide.

You know yourself that your feelings of guilt are not in proportion with the situation
If you have the opportunity to go to therapy and talk this out I would take it. In the meantime say goodbye to your friend and ask your husband to help you to enforce strong boundaries.

@velvetsunshine I'm so sorry x

I think deep down you know this isnt your responsibility, it is your emotional thinking and guilt from past events that keep you in this dysfunctional pattern. Suicide is far more complex than your involvement in her life and you don't have that much power over her to "fix" her- if you did, she would no longer be suicidal would she?

You arent her therapist and it's not appropriate to act like you ought to be or should be- she needs professional help. You cannot allow this to be affecting your own mental health either- what good is that?- then there are two of you feeling shit instead of one. What you are currently doing is not helping her, nor is it benefitting you. Step back, and distance yourself or end the friendship. This isnt helping anyone and your first responsibility is always towards yourself. Don't set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm.

It's like some people get off on the drama of it all. It is draining trying to help someone through times like that and there's only so much you can be there for someone. When it seems to be going on indefinitely and you get little else from the friendship you do wonder what the point is.

Would you consider yourself a good friend if you only ever got in touch because you want something?

@101Nutella @AlizeeEasy @Alloftheskies @BMW6 @BelindaOkra @BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop @Calamitousness @Catza @Coyoacan @Eyeballpaula @Fraaahnces @HarrietTheFireStarter @JusticeTrade @ManateeFair @Ofcourseshecan @Riverlee @Tothemoonandbackx @eish @planetarynoodle @romdowa @rustlerwaiter @teddycoat @velvetsunshine .
Guys thank you so much for all your advice, I have blocked her on everything, I feel rotten but I can't continue in this cycle, I thought about messaging her but I just knew that I would end up caving on the issue and I know for the sake of my own MH I need to cut ties. Also I have contacted a therapist to discuss the issues I previously mentioned ...thanks again I needed this xxx

Oh well done, that is a very positive move. You might feel a bit shaky for a while but that will pass. Wishing you well for the therapist appointment.

@MumofAnarchy88 well done! Have you talked to your partner so he knows to ‘protect’ you when you feel ‘guilty’ (you shouldn’t) or ‘weak’ (eg if she tries to contact you via other means). Let him be your voice of reason when these feelings come around (they will). Remember you are doing this for your children, you are their person and to be their person you need to look after yourself first and foremost. Well done for pursuing therapy too.

Remember this is not a friendship, it is a one way transaction where she was taking and you were giving. You aren’t giving up a friendship, just a habit/weight you don’t need.

She's an emotional vampire and is draining you. She sounds like a tedious attention seeker.

Block her on everything.

Yes, you need to back away here.
Send her a message saying you think she is great, you miss the fun together, she hasn’t done anything wrong, but your own mental health is not great and talking to her about suicide is triggering for you. So you are taking a break from the friendship. Be explicit that YOU have the problem, and that if she needs help, she should seek it from somebody else. Share suicide helpline numbers with her.

This way, should she harm herself, you will know that a) you did not criticise her and you owned the reason for ending the friendship, you did not put it onto her, and b) she knew, prior to crisis, that she had options to get help other than you. So you cannot blame yourself.

Well done OP. Your partner is right (as are all the posters who have offered support and advice here. )

Your friend may have serious MH issues, or she may just be a drama queen, or somewhere in between, but none of that is your responsibility.

It sounds like she's made you an emotional punch bag and she's done that knowing her "cries for help" are your Achilles' heel because of what happened to your teen boyfriend. (That sounds awful by the way, I'm so sorry you experienced that, it definitely wasn't your fault.)

It isn't lost on me that when she's feeling better and happy to do fun stuff, she does it with ... other people, not you. She's allocated you the role of "misery support" but you don't have to keep playing the role. You've done so well to realise that.

You could possibly have some trauma bond to her because of what happened in your last , you couldn’t save your Bf but maybe you can save her and that makes you stay connected when I’m sure all your senses are telling you enough is enough.

Friends are like seasons some aren’t meant to be forever and it sounds like your life’s went in separate directions a long time ago and while you think fondly of how fun she was once upon a time tour both not the same people anymore and that’s okay.

you must protect your own well-being in every sense and no relationship should come at a cost to your welll being . The fact she can be one way with you and then show a completely different side on social medial is red flags. Yes mental health is hidden and lots of people seem to hide it but there are very stark contrasts to what she says she struggles with and then what she projects . Posting half naked photos is a level of self esteem and confidence she must have , going out and about means she has a interest to be active and have a life typically these things aren’t happening for someone who is deeply depressed.

You and only you can break the attachment and that means taking your responsibility for it also. It’s a choice to stay around you owe her nothing . If she is as dramatic and draining and you describe she will try to guilt trip you and suck you back in so be ready or you could find yourself completely disregarded .

OP I'm so sorry she's latched onto you given your previous trauma. You were so unlucky to have a boyfriend like that as a teenager and how his family treated you was awful. I know they will have been shocked and grieving, but still.

However, I'm unsure whether it would be better to send a message explaining that you need a break because of your own health, and then block, or just to block without explanation as you have. I am torn, because what if she does do something and blames you (to punish you for having the temerity to think of yourself for the first time). You should NOT feel guilty, but I know I (and you) would - so would the guilt be less if you'd explained why, or would that message in itself induced a reaction in her. I don’t know.

I have a similar (less extreme) situation going on with a friend and I too am taking onboard the excellent advice on here. The social media bragging is quite common with people like this, I find. I think it makes their crashes of despair worse because they are so desperate to portray such a wonderful life to whatever particular audience they're doing it for, and then that also seems to make the depression worse because they know it's untrue. It does seem to be a cycle. Social media is so bad for people like this.

You did the right thing blocking her. She wasn't there for you when you were very unwell.
You owe her nothing