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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To start a new friendship with this lady?

10 replies

Cannonballsandlaserbeams · 08/01/2024 01:08

Long story short, 10 years ago I was in a dark place, living with a horrible abusive man and had a drinking problem. This man had a stepdaughter who was a very broken but resilient and lovely girl. We bonded, I bought her tampons and gave her clothes and cooked for her but ultimately I bailed on her because for my safety and the benefit of my own child we bailed and I started a new life I couldn’t Take her with me and she was almost an adult anyway. My life is good now, we have a lovely home and a nice life. I’ve thought about her almost every day though. This girl has recently got In touch via social media and has done so well with her life, really stable family and nice kids. She says that I was a big inspiration for her and my kindness in those dark times really helped her. What I saw as a failure to her by disappearing she still saw as a benefit to her life because I was kind and taught her things. Anyway, the man involved has been dead a few years and this young lady had defied the odds and become a really fantastic mum and sorted her life out, I’ve since then got my degrees and achieved a career I never thought possible.. We’ve been chatting online and I feel inclined to get back in touch properly. I’m so proud of her and who she’s become.my instincts tell me to invite her over and reconnect properly. I’m nervous though. Any wisdom?

OP posts:
Falkenburg · 08/01/2024 01:10

Be honest with her.

You're pleased she got in touch as you've often wondered how life turned out for her and its great that she is leading a happy life but the reconnection has brought old memories and you don't want to upset yourself or her by reconnecting.

She might only have hot in touch to see how you're doing and want to check in via social media from time to time.

LaurenceLlama · 08/01/2024 01:15

Get in touch and take it slow. You can always be there for each other and what you have in common is worth sharing.

The real monster's dead after all.

PeopleAreWeird · 08/01/2024 01:15

Falkenburg - You have literally put words into the op’s mouth
She didnt say that?!

The man is dead - You are both doing well - Theres no reason you cant be friends with this lady -

Cannonballsandlaserbeams · 08/01/2024 01:18

It’s been weird. She was chatting to me like nothing had changed. I’m going through something right now with my kids( health) and she was so supportive and kind also we never spoke about the past or him. I remember holding her as a 14 yr old kid and dancing with her and bonding with her. I just feel privileged with everything she’s been through that she remembers me. I don’t want that life back, but the only thing that was good about it was this kid, this kid sees me now, I’ve thought about her so much, I’ve searched her so much on social media to try and see how she was.

OP posts:
Useruser1212 · 08/01/2024 01:22

This is amazing. Two very strong and inspirational women who have both overcome abuse. I think its a wonderful idea to invite her over, you can celebrate both of your successes!

Kitkatcatflap · 08/01/2024 01:37

It sounds as if you do want to pursue this friendship, given all the searching and thinking about her. But it's natural to be wary, it was a dark place for you but to use your own words, the only good thing about it was her. Stay in touch, no need to rush things, see if it develops further. Perhaps meet up half way with the kids during the school holidays

Cannonballsandlaserbeams · 08/01/2024 01:51

@Useruser1212 this is what I want to do . Everything in my instincts wants to keep her now after leaving her before. I’m open to the risks and scepticism but I have loved this girl for years and I feel we were meant to be together somehow. The conversation is so odd in that our previous interaction was about survival and craziness and now we talk about such sensible and homely things. I’ve honestly missed her so much.

OP posts:
Combusting · 08/01/2024 02:24

Your wording is just a bit intense…. Randomly mentioning buying her tampons, “remember holding her as a 14 year old”, “we were meant to be together” - I dunno..

RiaLia · 08/01/2024 08:36

Your wording is not intense. You feel a sense of protection over this person given that they were a child in a shit situation. You know she's very likely had a shit childhood and you came along and made that better for her. Go for it, it could Blossom into something wonderful.

ACynicalDad · 08/01/2024 08:56

I'd be more inclined to meet her in a neutral space first for a coffee or something and take it slowly before you invite her over? Do you live close?

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