I just want to vent

[Cheeseandtomatodip]

Posted for traffic, wasn’t sure what to title the thread.
the reason for writing is I’m finding life hard at the minute especially after explosive argument which ended up with me basically screaming at my mum. Relationship with mum and partner.
bit of background I’m 25 and mum of two.
i just feel like my whole childhood I was neglected.
my mum is disabled- for reference some issues with her legs. She can walk but with crutches struggles don’t want to put condition as outing. My whole life she has never worked I just added as I think it’s relevant for back story.
my mum also is a gambler.
my whole life most her days nights she would be at the casino.
I would be palmed off with the man who took me on as his own since I was 2 as I never knew my dad. Was the result of a one night stand
the house I grew up in was dirty undecorated . No carpets . Second hand free bits of furniture etc
i was always embarrassed of this and think it’s led to the mental health problems I struggle with now and since I was a child I think I developed social anxiety.
from around age 11 I would be left alone at night while she went to the casino
the house was really scary and dark . Painted red from 2000s so obviously at the time it was dark and in my child brain I felt so scared
my mum never takes accountability and whenever I’m with her I feel so much resentment and anger and I just get so irritated when she talks to me but I feel like I love her so I try like today we was going for a meal but 2 mins in the journey we argued and I turned round and took her home. This argument was infront of my kids and they cried .
im just at a loss what to do. I want to have nothing to do with her but my children loves her and it’s a help that they can go stay there sometimes . She uses it against me though and says she’s not having them when she would palm me off with anyone as a child
i also have a brother who went to live with an auntie when I was around 5 I resented this so much as I missed him. Now I wish I went too and don’t understand why I couldn’t and I was the one to be left neglected and dirty and full of head lice all childhood :(
she used to have boyfriends and would leave me baby sat with them they were creepy too im honestly super lucky I wasn’t abused by them,
I just suppose I want some guidance and help for my thoughts cause it’s all a mess right now
sorry for the grammar no paragraphs it might be a hard read I just wanted to get it out

Sorry to hear of your struggles. It does seem as though you were neglected as a child.

How old are your kids and is their dad around? If they're under 5 I think you could perhaps get some support from HomeStart so that you dont feel beholden to your mum for the little bits of help she does give you.

I would also recommend talking to MIND in your area about talking therapies regarding your childhood.

thanks for your reply. Yes me and dad are still together, my children are 5 and 6. It’s just helpful for them to be with my mum as I go to university and find the child free nights mornings easy to crack on with assignments.

That’s a very sad read and I’m sorry for your rubbish childhood.

Sadly your mum is who she is and probably damaged by something in her own past. You can break the cycle by going very low contact and certainly not using her for childcare. Don't hope for her to suddenly see the light and beg for forgiveness- she won’t. Getting into screaming arguments is retraumatising yourself. Look for support elsewhere, she cannot give it.

Unfortunately you have the option of remaining angry and wretched about it all or doing some serious work on yourself and living a life that is better. Some counselling or therapy could be quite transformative but could be pretty tough, too. Could you speak to your GP for some pointers?

If you have had no good parenting yourself you might struggle to know what does constitute being a good parent, if so do consider reaching out to your HV for any courses that might be available.

And lastly have a hug. You deserved better.

That makes sense. Are your partners parents involved and could they help instead?

Might be good just to have a break from her (and perhaps she's struggling with the kids herself)

Also, you have a lot on, 2 kids and studying for a degree is hard going.

Just saw your update, the uni may have access to counselling.

I hope my words about your parenting aren’t offensive, I’m sure you are great but issues such as setting boundaries etc can be difficult when you’ve had no role model yourself

I would like to try therapy I worry though as I struggle with social anxiety and feel like I mask this especially when it comes to my mum, childhood home her gambling etc as I feel so embarrassed and ashamed talking about it

A good therapist will understand this and encourage you to talk through your experiences at a pace that doesn’t leave you feeling worse.

Thank you. I also worry so much if I have nothing to do with her and something bad happens and I regret it. She’s smoked all her life and has chest problems. She also claims she had some brain damage from an accident she had. It’s like I’m constantly battling in my head

Do you feel confident and happy when your Mum looks after your kids?

Yes as she’s honestly ok when she’s not gambling, we would get on well if I wasn’t so resentful towards her. During Covid when casinos and things were shut we actually got on. But it’s like when she gambles she cares about nothing else. Such as leaving child me with men I don’t know. But she has a good relationship with my kids and would never let them come to harm. She was just neglectful with me. I’m not sure if it’s just me she seemed to neglect. For example when my brother would come for the weekend she couldn’t do enough for him. She’s even like that now she definitely prefers my brother. Not sure if it’s some “guilt” for him living with my aunt or something else. I really don’t know. But I know my kids would not come to harm at her house

I'm so sorry. You deserved such a better childhood than the one you had.

You deserved a mother who prioritised your needs over her own.

I wouldn't allow her near my children. (I had an abusive childhood and I didn't face it until I had children of my own).

I supervised my children around my parent and never ever left them alone. I finally got the courage seven years ago following extensive counselling to go no contact.

I look at my husband with my children and feel so sad for little me that I didn't have that relationship.

Please see if your uni can help with counselling.

It is really sad I keep crying at all your reply’s I remember one day I walked home from school I think I was in year 5 or 6 and no one was home and I was locked out. I remember I was so upset and scared at the time had to walk to the shop and use their phone to call my mum and it’s obvious where she was. I just can’t believe none of my family looked out for me and helped me like they did my brother . Especially as my brother had a dad I had no one .., I feel like I’ve always turned a blind eye as I think neglect is different from abuse and you don’t realise how bad you’ve been treated as with physical or emotional abuse etc you would have the actual memories and only now I’m realising how I was just a child and had nobody there. And especially how neglect rather than the physical has you questioning yourself more as when I was younger and alone and scared I would think about me and not that this was actually my mum putting me in this position