No idea where to post so hoping here might get some traffic. Before I begin, I don’t know what I’m looking for - sympathy, support, solutions - not sure. And my second caveat - this isn’t meant to be a ‘woe is me’ post - I’m so grateful and blessed for everything I have in life.
I’ve been through a challenging couple of years and my goal was always to ‘get my old life back’ but so many things have been thrown up in the air recently it’s brought a lot of thoughts to the surface on what I want from my life.
Rewind to June 2021, I was 31, fit, healthy and climbing the finance ladder in London pretty speedily. Ambitious, driven, was desperate to buy a house here, earn more and continue travelling 10+ times a year to wherever took our fancy (my husband works in travel so standby tickets and showing up at the airport not knowing where we’re going). No children and we both were 90% sure we didn’t want them. In July 2021 my grandfather died and whilst I thought I was fine, underlying grief caused me to have endless panic attacks but in December 2021 I was offered a Director role which was the dream I’d been powering towards. Jan-22 I had Covid when I went for Covid vaccine (but didn’t know it) and felt back to 70% recovered by March but after March declined to the point of being bed bound for 2 months in Oct-Dec-22. I developed agoraphobia alongside the long covid / reaction to the vaccine, haven’t been back to visit my family in 2 years (5 hour drive away), wasn’t able to exercise, felt unwell all day for most days for 3 months, was off work for 4 months and felt like my life was over and that I’d never be able to exercise, go on holiday, go outside or live the life I knew and loved again. 2023 was the year I spent recovering, pushing to get over agoraphobia and one year on I’m able to exercise again, my agoraphobia is 80% gone but I’ve been working at home this entire time. This is the crux of it plus some other things - renovating a house in the middle of this, having to move out of London for 8 months as we couldn’t afford to live here, almost losing our mortgage, my husbands job became being away 2 days a week to being away 4-5 days every week whilst I was bed bound - it’s been a nightmare if I’m honest.
The goal has always been - get my old life back - and now, with a redundancy or new job offer on the table, my entire life feels up in the air and I have no idea what I want from it anymore. I think I’d like children but am then so acutely aware of how shit a parent I’d be with this illness and agoraphobia, my husband is not happy and wants our old life back (he’s been amazing but I can see how he pines for the way it used to be) and I feel empty and like I have no idea what I want from life anymore. I also don’t feel like making decisions with any form of anxiety disorder is wise (for example I’ve thought about moving back to Scotland but know this is more than likely my anxiety trying to get me to ‘home’) but the circumstances in front of me at work are dictating change. Take redundancy with a payout that’ll last me 2 years, they’ve offered me some paid leave as a bargaining tool as they want me out my job because I’m unable to travel (understandable) and have offered a new job where I can work at home (which I’ve hated by the way. My goal was to always get back to the office as I hate being inside all day).
Do I just crack on and get back to my old life and accept that so much stuff has happened the last 2 years I’m bound to feel this way or do I take an opportunity to blank canvas my life even though I’ve no idea what I want from life anymore. I feel like I’ve lost my identity throughout this.