to ask what your teenage daughters with ASD are like?

[WonderingANDwoeful]

The wheels have well and truly fallen off for my just turned 13 year old daughter since transitioning to secondary school.
I’m meeting the SENCO tomorrow and will discuss a referral then but please can you tell me a little about your ASD daughters so I can see if there are any similarities.
She is an only child so I have no comparisons, thanks

This rings true here too. Things fell apart for my DD (now 14) once she started secondary, particularly in year 8. The least year has been utterly difficult.

Absolutely yes to the inability to make decisions. I try and keep things low demand where possible and will make decisions when she cannot. E.g. we just went out for coffee, she could not speak or decide what to drink. I suggested, let's have apple juice (her fav) and that seems to work. I do encourage her to make decisions but sometimes she just cannot.

Friends tricky, school fell apart but seems 'fine in school', EBSA, hibernating in her room, so much else..... All the sensory things have become so much trickier. We are adjusting and low demand is so helpful.

Have you come across Naomi Fisher's work on low demand parenting, so helpful as well as the school sessions? https://www.naomifisher.co.uk/

My daughter only answers “ I don’t know “, “ fine “ or “ good “ to anyone else’s questions apart from mine - could this be alexithymia I wonder?

Mine doesn't talk to anyone other than me, DH and her siblings

I took mine to the GP when in year 8, she said was very down and lacked motivation to do anything. She would stay in bed all weekend and her bed was beyond a teenage mess.
Our GP at the time, called it straight away and referred her to CAMHS. She had to go through their CBT, counselling pathway before they assessed her for ASD.
Her school were fantastic with her. She went to a relatively small grammar school, where the SEN department weren't overly stretched with high numbers, which was an advantage for her.
GCSE year was by far the worse but she managed about 90% attendance. School weren't happy with that but frankly, they were lucky I managed to get her in for that!
She is now doing an apprenticeship as a Mechanical Engineering Technician and is doing great. They love her attention to detail and her hatred of being late stands her in good stead by always being early for work.
Her temper outbursts have been far, far less since she left school.

I have two autistic daughters and side eyeing the third, both very different. Middle was diagnosed at 10 lots of shouty meltdowns, very volatile, sensory seeking, rigid thinking and also adhd and dyslexia. Very social has good friends who get her quirks.
eldest was high achieving but could get friendships to work and was suicidal by end of y8 we thought we would screen her too as wheels fell off turns out she is AuDHD too with dyslexia and dyscalculia. Is very high masking so will chameleon herself to try and fit in. At a new school where she appears to have friends but she can be very blunt and spends hours on makeup and very hard to know what she is thinking or feeling. Our house can be full of conflict because no party can ever see the others perspective at all!

DD 14 ASD and ADHD
She struggles with hygiene.
Average grades
Has struggled with boundaries and friendships.

She's lovely though at home most of the time but she does still have massive meltdowns.

The biggest thing that has helped her is a small all girls school. Small class sizes etc so the noise etc isn't overwhelming.

Hated school.
Black and white thinking.

Not good in big groups, one best friend.

Got on better with boys.
Dyslexic/Irlens in addition.

Fussy regarding foods and textures.

Very slow to pick things up but brilliant when she did.

Short term memory issues.

Talked to fast, often spoke whilst walking the other way or in a cupboard so inaudible.

Refused to make eye contact but strangely we found out later this was because she thought others could read her thoughts through her eyes as she did them. Bizarrely good at reading people and situations that way.

Decisive, quietly headstrong and independent (well odd to most people)
Very sensitive to noise or criticism.

Disliked by teachers in general.

Can't structure well, writes everything in bullet points just like her mum.

She's 24 now and doing brilliantly post uni hang on in there.

Apart from the gender every single word describes my 15yr old DD, it’s only in the last 3 months I’ve began to realise that she might be a autistic / on the spectrum

Probably much different from mine as she was put on the pathway at 2 and was diagnosed at 4. She’s severely autistic.

You need to look back at her early childhood, can you recognise any signs then? As any ASD assessment will ask you about how she was when she was 4-5.

Sensory Processing Disorder is actually a separate diagnosis, although there's a big overlap.

Autism is a triad of impairments, being social communication, social interaction and repetitive and restrictive behaviour.

Does she have conversations, or does she talk AT you and answer your questions? Is she situationally mute ie not talking when a situation is distressing? Does she take things literally?

How is her interaction with people? Did she play with or alongside others when younger?

How is she with transitions? Did you have warn her of changes when younger otherwise she'd tantrum? Does she become almost obsessed about something, it lasts for months or years, but once she's over that it will never be spoken of again?

Was she fabulous at primary school, but would be snappy or tearful at home? And you'd put it down to tiredness or hormones but it was All The Time?

Mine is 15, I thought she was just a difficult only child for years, then very anxious and introverted, then quirky. The wheels fell off 12-15 months ago, the GP suggested autism, and everything became clear. She's no longer masking, and my eyes are open to her difficulties.

That’s why I’ve always just considered my 15yr old DD as socially awkward / chronically shy but everything you’d said and others details my daughter to a tee. Can’t make decisions, eats the same food (so slowly), academically bright (bordering on obsessive about revising for exams). Doesn’t speak to adults but will answer (even grandparents). I can’t believe all this time I’ve not seen it and just thought of her as shy but since the light bulb moment a couple of months ago it seems to be starting me in the face and has been for years. I messaged me ex a month or so ago and asked if he had ever considered it and he said yes he had and had for a few years but didn’t know what to do

My lady is 10 so not a teen yet but am getting increasingly concerned about her. She is disordered about eating, very picky eater eats the same things all the time. Black and white thinking, comes across as rude to people will not speak when anyone talks to her unless she feels like it which is seldom, fidgits alot, can't fall asleep without noise or light, the last few times we have been out and about she has gone mute and not spoken a word for over an hour. She seems to get on ok at school tho says she hates it, struggles with reading getting help for this. Very introverted.

When starting secondary was when my daughter fell apart also. In the end I took her out of school as all
thw measures )and there were many) just called. Daughter’s anxiety was extreme, she cried and wanted to sit in my lap, sleep next to me etc etc.
apart from that she is impulsive and triggered by many things. She is super loving at times and hateful many other times.
it has been the biggest nightmare to try to get her to clean her teeth and wash/xomb her hair.
social situations drain her completely. She’d 13th birthday is next month

Yes to all the others. We took DD out of state primary at year 1 into a co-Ed non selective private school who did a lot with her around social communication. She was always more comfortable around boys so I wouldn’t have considered a girls school. Secondary was horrendous with friendships, she simply couldn’t understand why her best friend had other friends and refused to go to prom etc.

we have gone down the day girl in boarding school route for A level. It’s very structured with clear expectations, they spend a lot of time in their houses which are small and nurturing and they give her very clear boundaries and responsibilities so she’s never confused what she is meant to do and it has made it easier to bond with other girls.

Unsurprising she’s recently told us she is gay and seems comfortable with it.

Really interesting thread. I’ve wondered for a long time whether my lovely DD13 is autistic.

As a toddler she would not play with other children at play group or join in activities, preferring to be on her own. She has always been very sensitive to loud noise, bright lights, smells and particular textures she cannot stand. She refused to wear socks for a year. Struggled with change to routine eg mufti days at school caused huge upset.

As a teenager she finds school completely overwhelming and exhausting. She cannot cope with change or anything spontaneous. Black and white thinking - “if I don’t get 100% in this test I’ve failed”. Gets quickly overwhelmed with demands. Has one good friend. Hates being in busy places or crowds, wants to be at home a lot. Hates being looked at. Struggles in English literature to understand nuance or metaphor, much prefers concrete subjects like maths. Can’t stand the sensation of periods so is on the pill to stop them. Hates sand, rough textures, glue, flour.

Does it sound like it would be helpful to get her assessed? Sorry to hijack the thread.

My other child has just been diagnosed with ADHD and honestly it’s so hard to parent when they have such different needs. One needs low stimulation the other high.

My autistic DD isn't quite a teen yet, she's about to turn 12, was diagnosed at 8.

I've actually been delighted recently with the positive steps she's made since starting secondary school - we quite deliberately chose one which focuses on wellbeing over academic success, and she's been flying. Loves school, loves most of her lessons and teachers, and has made a small gang of similarly geeky, academic friends.

I've just been organising her birthday outing, and enjoying the fact that for the first time since the age of 6 (when everyone in her class invited everyone else), she actually has people she wants to invite and who want to come.

Depressing to think the wheels may come off again at 13. Is there any hope that early diagnosis and a sensitive school environment might mitigate some of these issues? It's been so wonderful to see her happy and full of life lately.

I suspected mine was autistic from about the age of 4 but school and GP said no issues. She was clearly very good at masking, up until about 12/13. Then a teacher suggested it. She says teenage girls have an autism radar, the wheels fall off when things become too complicated to mask and they notice you’re different.

Her biggest symptom when little was misbehaviour. She was desperate to be popular so would do absolutely anything the other kids told her and then take the rap. She was also impulsive.

During the secondary years we saw health anxiety, obsessions, interrupting and diverting conversations to be what she wanted to talk about and general anxiety. Friendships were always a challenge, very intense. Lack of personal hygiene and very gender non conforming. Never any issues around food, is high achieving and articulate.

The worst time was year 12, first year of A levels. She chose the wrong subjects, failed dramatically, became depressed and self harmed.

Now however, she is 20 and at university. She has found a nice group of friends, doing well on her course and seems generally happy. She will always have her particular areas of interest but has improved her conversational art and has happily come out as a lesbian although is now extremely feminine and not gender non conforming at all! She’s actually very cool, she’s resilient, funny and fearless and I’m proud of her.

She will always have her particular areas of interest but has improved her conversational art and has happily come out as a lesbian although is now extremely feminine and not gender non conforming at all! She’s actually very cool, she’s resilient, funny and fearless and I’m proud of her.

yes to all of these. Mine is also extremely cool and I literally couldn’t be prouder of her if I tried, she’s amazing

@WeneedSamVimesonthecase

It sounds like the secondary school you’ve chosen is a nurturing environment for your DD. If she has a good group of friends, and teachers she likes, she will probably flourish.

The autistic girls I know who fell apart at 13 were the extremely introverted, quiet ones with little social support. School became a problem for them because they couldn’t maintain friendships, they thought everyone was looking at them and they were frightened of the school behaviour system, for example. Many have since re-engaged with school successfully at various stages of their education.

Gobby,
Gregarious.
Funny.
Sarcastic.
Smart.
Smartarsed.
Didn't like people out of their place (and quite often when they were exactly were they were expected to be as well).
Articulate.
Absolute screaming, violent rages when premenstrual.

This post also describes my daughter almost word for word what I would write about her! (diagnosed ASD last year aged 13). The only difference for her is that she does not tend to have friendship issues any more (had a lot in year 5) - but I don't know how much of this is down to the fact she has a very close, solid, calm group of girls she has known since aged 5 who all accept each other and rub along together.
Despite years of high anxiety around school we never even suspected asd until a teacher mentioned it just prior to us seeking diagnosis- almost straight away (and certainly now having read a lot about it) we now think it was painfully obvious "of course she is autistic" and kicking ourselves for not knowing sooner.

My dd’s anxiety started when she started her periods aged 10, she completely fell apart and refused to leave the house, we ended up getting her put on the pill off licence at Alder Hey due to her extreme reaction and despite her knowing everything about periods from a young age she just couldn’t cope with the change and even now I can’t say the P word as she screams. She’s been on Desogestrel for almost 2 years now and hasn’t had any problems but I worry when she says she wants her womb removed etc. her anxiety increased hugely from this incident and she is triggered so much by lots of things. I suffer terrible with mine and have to keep it to myself.

Is there no tuition available for her at home. Called hospital School I think where I am? It was only an hour a day but better than nothing.