Why are so many kids STILL taking the father's name?

[LefthandRight]

Is this some kind of feminist blind spot? Most kids still get the dads name and I see women saying "it was just easier", "double barrelling was a mouthful", "I don't mind". You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name so she has a different name to her kids but "it's no big deal" and it's like... So it's no big deal for the woman but apparently its a huge big deal for the man?

It really makes me angry because I just can't believe women have to go through the effort and intrusiveness/pain of childbirth only to have that ownership "label" whipped off them, it feels unfair

To claim that the point of feminism is ‘choice’ is a bit simplistic too. Not every choice is a feminist choice even if it’s made by a feminist!

My DF and I recently had a daughter and my DF recently changed his surname to his mum's maiden name as he was close to his grandfather on that side of the family, whom he lost a long time ago. I see this name as new to both of us so we've chosen for DD to have it and then I will also have it once we get married. Feminism is about choice. I have a lot of trauma in relation to my own family so to change that association doesn't feel so awful to me.

100% this. Excellently put,

Yes that’s right, factual commentary on the historic patronymic aspect of surnames means I think women are faceless individuals. <rollseyes>

It's a cultural tradition in the UK that the man's name becomes the family name and is given to the kids.

If you don't like the tradition, you are free to do as you please.

So what's the problem?

Maybe because it’s actually true?

If you don't like the tradition, you are free to do as you please.

Did you see the poster upthread who said her husband went ballistic when she suggested not using his name for the children? There are plenty of families where women are pressured. Just because you see freedom, that’s not the case for all women.

@Tandora

If it was part of our culture, like it is in Spain for example, to have names carried down from both sides of the family then I wouldn’t think twice about using a name from my side.

But it isn’t.

I know many women who keep their maiden name for professional purposes and are Mrs X on their passport and privately. The odd one gives their child a double barrelled name, but this tends to be a mouthful and is later shortened.

All it does is create a conversation around the child as to why their parents decided to do it and make them different.

I’m quite feminist in a lot of ways, but I wouldn’t pick surnames as a hill to die on as all it does is create confusion socially for all involved ie in school and when travelling etc.

No it doesn’t. It is still a name from a male line be it your father, grandfather or great grandfather. If you really want to make it non patriarchal start with a completely new name.
I know some people who have done this.

Not necessarily. Take Smith, it’s an occupational name. Yes, most smiths would have been male but that doesn’t it belongs to men.

Some cultures have matrilineal names, some have patrilineal. Others have both. None of these are bad.

There nothing factual about your argument at all. We all understand the patronymic way that’s names have been passed through the generations traditionally - we don’t need you to mansplain that to us , it’s literally what this whole thread is about 🤣.

what I find absurd is you using this as argument to say that a woman might as well just give up her name and take her husband’s, because after all it’s not really her name , it’s her father’s name , so what’s the difference? That argument is clearly disingenuous and misogynistic (and ridiculous).

It’s like when women do take their husband’s name and have it for say two decades and then get divorced and the ex husband tries to demand the name back on the grounds it is “theirs” originally . Sooo misogynistic. Some women do change their names again after getting divorced. Many women don’t , on the very legitimate grounds that it is now their name and identity.

It's something that you need to agree between yourselves before having children. Suggesting that it's her choice is as bad as saying it's his choice. If you can't agree on what to call the children don't have them.

You could of course alternate and have two children and give one his surname and one her surname.

I went from a very common to very rare and found a whole new set of issues.

Changing name upon marriage was more hassle than I expected - so wouldn't ever again but was my choice to do.

Wouldn't surprise or upset me if DS or DDs did or did not change their names later in life.

Was more surprise DSis never married gave her two their fathers surnames - neither been great at being around though neither gone entirely - it is surprising given how common mothers having different surnames to kids how many problems/comments it can cause.

I do wonder if cultural norms and name changes will change in next few decades with women no longer names changing upon marriages and divorces and will just give their kids their surnames as well.

Well I couldn't be bothered at first. Then I met my boyfriend at 22 and thought we'd end up getting married so would just do it then. Which I did!

Also, some women might worry they'd offend their parents so saying it's because they're getting married would be more acceptable.

Except it’s well documented many men change and become abusive when their partner gets pregnant. So his agreement prior to kids doesn’t always mean much.

Constantly? Im not. I mentioned it in one post, who asked a question and then I replied. That was the extent of our conversation.

Sorry but the name Smith originally came from the man’s occupation. Before the 20th century everyone took the male surname in the UK.

My son’s name just sounded better with my ex-husband’s surname (annoyingly) It would have been better if he’d had my surname tbh.

No, it wasn’t once, you’ve targeted multiple posts to me.

I replied to posts when I was asked a question or quoted. That isn’t badgering.

If a woman chooses to take her Dh/DP's name before having DC then surely by giving the DC that name also, she is giving them her name....the one she chose rather than the one she was given. I changed mine to my exH's 5 years before we got married and a year before DD arrived. I chose that name, it became MY name and long after our divorce it is still my name.

How specifically is that ‘interesting’?

Because you’re so concerned about bullying and yet have no issue with someone needlessly correcting Tea’s typo. Somewhat of a hypocrisy.

Ditto!