my nother in law is driving me NUTS

[taniashort]

I have a depressed mother-in-law. I have anxiety problems because my child can go into anaphylactic shock because he has a serious nut allergy and idiopathic urticaria which means he goes into anaphylaxis 'because his body just wants to.' Anyway to the point:
I listen endlessly to my MIL's worries and problems, I listen and try to help but tonight she just carried on and finally said "I'm so angry I don't want to be on the line and hung up". She's clearly on her hyper-cycle so needs to reduce her medication and I SHOULD listen to her BUT: she's not my mum, she's rude and takes up so much time, I really could do without the stress. We've got to go to her house for easter and she can't be bothered to get nut-free food in for my son so I have to bring all the food for the whole of the easter break with me - So girl-friends: what do I do - bite my tongue and just keep supporting - or do I have a hissie-fit and sulk? I'm interested in your input as you'll see it from both sides of the relationship
in need of advice
tx

I would say that if your MIL has a diagnosed condition that is not responding to treatment you don't have to listen to her. It is the family's job to support her though treatment not be the treatment. You don't have to be rude but remember that she may not be in control of how she communicates. Unfortunately you are going to have to be quite forgiving, but remember it is her problem. I also think you are going to have to accept that either through an inability to understand or probably pigheadedness she will refuse to conform to your son's requirements. It may be that she can't bear the attention or specialness going to someone else. It sounds like she is quite self involved so she will probably always resent others having attention - even for seemingly awful things. You can't change her no matter how hard you try or cross you get, so just concentrate on what you need to do to cope with yor son's terrifying condition.
I hope you feel better son x

I would say that if your MIL has a diagnosed condition that is not responding to treatment you don't have to listen to her. It is the family's job to support her though treatment not be the treatment. You don't have to be rude but remember that she may not be in control of how she communicates. Unfortunately you are going to have to be quite forgiving, but remember it is her problem. I also think you are going to have to accept that either through an inability to understand or probably pigheadedness she will refuse to conform to your son's requirements. It may be that she can't bear the attention or specialness going to someone else. It sounds like she is quite self involved so she will probably always resent others having attention - even for seemingly awful things. You can't change her no matter how hard you try or cross you get, so just concentrate on what you need to do to cope with yor son's terrifying condition.
I hope you feel better soon x

that's interesting about her being quite self involved and resenting others having attention, I hadn't thought about my son's problems from that perspective. Will keep going - thanks for the advice and for being there
tx

I think its very wrong to suggest that she, a grandmother, is resentful of any attention going to her grandson. On what basis can you say that? Of course she's "self involved" - she's depressed - ill. She can't help it. She probably just can't manage to get all the nut-free food in your son. When someone is clinically depressed the seemingly smallest task can be just too difficult. I think you have to look after your son's needs and try to understand how she feels.

Just keep venting your spleen every now and then and you probably won't commit MILicide just yet!

hi tania
sounds really stressful situation..what does dh do to help, can he take over phone duty some times to listen or some other members of family
or keep her short and sweet, call frequently but make it shorter but background noises or make other phones ring off when it gets really bad ....needs must n all..

due to her illness she will need to be cut more slack than most, i guess, so i would take what is needed for your son and get on with that

it must be stressful for your dh too so i would bite my tongue regards some stuff and get help with listening to her bit from others..the more the better..

That's true Jangly - it could be that she can't manage things. It could also be that she has a borderline personality disorder and can only see things from her perspective. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who really can't tolerate focus on other people because it doesn't feel real to them. I'm not suggesting she doesn't love her GS, or even that she would behave in a particular way on purpose, just that it may be a feature of her illness.

That's true Jangly - it could be that she can't manage things. It could also be that she has a borderline personality disorder and can only see things from her perspective. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who really can't tolerate focus on other people because it doesn't feel real to them. I'm not suggesting she doesn't love her GS, or even that she would behave in a particular way on purpose, just that it may be a feature of her illness.

PS does anyone know why my messages keep coming up twice?

Message withdrawn

Tania - ''she's not my mum, she's rude and takes up so much time, I really could do without the stress. ''
Exactly. She is not your mum she is your dh's mum and he should be the one taking the stress. The rest of her family need to take more responsibility too as you have more than enough to deal with given your son's condition. He is your priority not your mil. Does the mil have other children and a dh/dp? If yes then it is down to them to help her and to ensure that you are not burdened.