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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I check my baby name with my friend or am I overthinking?

27 replies

LuckyMum1989 · 07/01/2024 01:43

Hello - looking for a little advice...

When I was at uni, I lived in a sharehouse with 4 other girls. One of them was in love with a not-good guy from home. He strung her along, had a friends with benefits arrangement with her, dated other girls and generally messed her around. He was her first love and broke her heart. None of us liked him (obviously) and were thrilled when she kicked him to the kerb. He had left her quite insecure and it took a long time to undo the damage, particularly as she was so young.

Since childhood, I had always loved a particular boy's name (think comnon classic - like James). It is also a family name. And that was this guy's name.

As boyfriends came and went for the 5 of us his name was a bit of a joke. "Ugh he seemed ok for the first two dates but turned out to be a bit of a James", "I'm getting James vibes tbh..."

A few months later after my friend and James parted ways, I started dating a guy who had the same surname as James (also madly common, like Smith).
I once joked with my friend that I couldn't marry my boyfriend AND have my favourite baby name because he'd literally be James Smith. She laughed and said something along the lines of "hahaha nightmare - we don't need another one of those" and we laughed and never said anything about it again.

Fast forward 16 years (has it really been that long?!) and I have been married to my lovely Mr "Smith" for 11 years and we're expecting a baby boy in the spring (we also have a DD who is 5)....and I would love to name him my favourite boy's name.

My husband thinks it was a friend with benefits arrangement from years back, with a friend I now have very little contact with and it's a common name. We're naming him after family not some muppet we never even met. No need to even think about it.

I think - this is my dear friend and although years can go without us seeing each other, we were besties for 4 years, and whenever I see her we pick up right where we left off. And though it wasn't a long or proper relationship, he was her first love and I spent many nights picking up the pieces of her broken heart. And although she's moved on now, I don't speak to her much so I still think of him with a teenager's broken heart in my mind!

We still have a housemates whatsapp group where we update on life events, send silly memes etc. But I haven't direct messaged just her for 4 years. Feels a bit weird to suddenly message about a barely-ex from 16 years ago. But not saying anything feels wrong somehow - especially given that I mentioned it once so can't pretend I didn't know 🤣🤣

What would you do? Am I overthinking this? 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

YABU - Your DH is right. This really doesn't matter.

YANBU - You should ask/mention it to your friend (any advice welcome!!)

OP posts:
IAmAnIdiot123 · 07/01/2024 01:50

Personally, I wouldn't use a name that I had joked meant 'bad boyfriend' throughout the years but I wouldn't be worrying it would upset the friend.

TheOriginalEmu · 07/01/2024 01:51

I would talk to her, but I would approach it as ‘we have decided to call baby James Smith, and I just remembered that we once talked about it as it’s obvs the same name as Douchebag James, just wanted to let you know privately as it seemed the right thing to do’.

Kitkatcatflap · 07/01/2024 01:53

No direct contact for over 4 years - it's not going to force your immediate friendship circle to split and take sides is it? I agree with your DH.

However, if it is bothering you - you could write something light hearted. Don't mention the ex but say something like 'Guess what having a baby boy this year and we have decided to call him James - made me think back to the house share and our uni days. Hope you are well.'

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2024 01:59

I have to admit that I find it a bit strange that you still want to use the name after all of the "bad press" you've given it over the years, but I appreciate the passing of years has changed your perspective.

It's quite the unusual predicament, that's certain.

Outthedoor24 · 07/01/2024 02:10

Use it as a middle name and come up with something else. Really weird to use it after years of jokes about it

Original poster
LuckyMum1989 · 07/01/2024 02:13

Yeah it's weird. I had always liked the name, I know loads of "James's" and the bad boyfriend joke was an at uni joke for the 2 years we lived together with just those 4 girls in the context of rating boyfriends so it was so niche, it never affected my opinion of the actual name...

And although i haven't spoken just to her for 4 years, we message on the group chats most months, exchange birthday/christmas cards etc. So she's still very much a friend- just more in a group context these days. As you say, it's certainly not the kind of thing to break up our friendship group - I just don't want to be either stupidly oversensitive or massively insensitive!

OP posts:
Anahenzaris · 07/01/2024 02:42

Use the name. We’re taking an ex from 16 years ago and a joke from 14 years ago. Frankly it would be odd for her to think she had any ownership over that name. Just - pick a different middle name (otherwise too weird).

Personally I have bigger pause over it being a common name of your generation and one you loved as a kid. Naming fashions change - I hope Bub isn’t ending up with a teapot dated name that’s going to sound like everyone’s grandads.

JMSA · 07/01/2024 03:08

I think you're lovely, OP, to be so considerate in all of this.
If the name holds no lasting, negative association for you personally, I would go ahead and use it. My reply might be different if you were in close contact with this friend, but you're not so it's fine.

TheSilentSister · 07/01/2024 04:09

I find it a bit very weird that you went along with the jokes about the name without revealing you always loved it. But, many years have passed, you don't mix in the same circles/see each other every day - I think you're good to go. I'd send a msg to your mate, to give her a heads up in a jokey way. I'm sure she's over it by now!

NotARealWookiie · 07/01/2024 05:05

I’d give her the casual heads up - you are in regular contact and she will notice. But be casual about it - don’t ask.

AllEars112232 · 07/01/2024 08:06

Outthedoor24 · 07/01/2024 02:10

Use it as a middle name and come up with something else. Really weird to use it after years of jokes about it

My thought too. Very strange that you would use that name even if you now say it’s because of a family member.

Flamingogirl08 · 07/01/2024 08:36

I'd go for the third option and not use the name at all. I got put off names because I disliked somebody with that name so I find it strange tbh.

The friend probably won't fall out with you but she will probably think you're a bit of a weirdo to name your kid a name that you've all been joking about for years.

Spirallingdownwards · 07/01/2024 08:39

The jokes were about a particular person and his behaviour not about the actual name.

Go with the name you want but I like the message someone drafted above if you feel you need to address it

Original poster
LuckyMum1989 · 07/01/2024 13:20

That's really helpful- thankyou.

Yes - the same as how if you worked in an office and had a new boss and a colleague asked you what they were like, you might say "he's more a Barry than a Sue" - your colleagues know what you mean but it's not really indicative of how you feel about the name or of Barrys and Sues in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyMum1989 · 07/01/2024 13:22

Thanks all - keep an eye out for "James Smith has been born" posts in a few month's time 🤣🤣💙🤣🤣

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 07/01/2024 13:26

It's been sixteen years and he broke her heart, he didn't murder her hamster.

Having your heart broken when you're young is par for the course.

Name your baby whatever you want to and stop with the huge overthinking.

Olika · 07/01/2024 13:37

Personally I would name your child whatever you and your DH want.

Orangeandgold · 07/01/2024 14:15

I think you can name your baby what you want. I personally have gone off certain names (even though I liked them before) after meeting certain people with those names. Some have been horrible exes of friends with common names like George and Steve - and even though there is nothing wrong with the name, the memory attached to it is a turn off.

If you are an overthinker - it could be something to think about.

If it doesn’t affect you and it’s such a common name anyway - then I don’t see the issue. Maybe you and your friend will laugh about it.

Wytchy · 07/01/2024 14:21

If my friends and I had commonly used the phrase 'ugh he's such a James Smith' to describe any dodgy blokes I don't think it's a name I could give my son.

Excited101 · 07/01/2024 14:27

There’s not a chance I’d use that name, I find it really weird that you’d still want to after such a significant ‘in joke’ that you remember it so
well.

Clarinet1 · 07/01/2024 15:14

If she raises the issue when you tell her, could you fib a bit and say it was your DH’s grandfather’s name so he insisted?

cutlery · 07/01/2024 15:16

You can't use it. It will always stick in your mind even if no one else cares. It will always be the name of the shitty boyfriend.

Emma0For0 · 07/01/2024 15:21

It was so long ago! Use the name and don't even think about it

ManateeFair · 07/01/2024 15:24

I can’t imagine getting worked up over a name that is a) super common anyway, b) only has associations for people you were are at uni with a billion years ago and c) relates to someone who was simply once a bit of a twat to someone you barely even speak to these days. Your DH is right. Call your kid what you want; it would be mad to check a name with a friend you’re no longer even close to just because it’s the same name as someone she was dippy about at uni.

Original poster
LuckyMum1989 · 07/01/2024 18:17

@Clarinet1 It is a family name as well, so wouldn't need to fib 😊

All contributors - The responses have been really helpful. As far as I am concerned, it's not about whether or not other people think it's weird that I still like the name (we all know several people with the same name - the good, the bad and the ugly 😉) because it's established that I do like it 😅. I was only wondering if my friend might find it hard, and given that all the "no" responses were to do with whether or not I should like it or not, and not to do with whether it would be hurtful to her to not be informed - safe to say no-one is thinking she would be bothered, which is all I was concerned about. Liking the suggestion of sending her a message to be safe.

Thinking of saying "decided there should be a decent James Smith in the world, hope that's not too weird for you 😘"

Thanks all - think issue is sorted. Being awake (can't get comfy...) with cogs whirring all night clearly set me overthinking a bit! 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts: