I want to start this off by saying I know I have done wrong, in a big way, so please don’t think I don’t understand how awful I am.
I am considering separating from my husband, he is aware, but I am really struggling to take the plunge.
We met when neither of us were in a great spot mentally and really lifted each other out of our issues. Part of my issue was that I wanted to take care of someone broken in the way I wasn’t cared for; this meant I took a lot of stress on myself and I would do all the cooking, cleaning, organising and work the full time role; all this whilst only wanting him to look after himself and feel better.
He was in a place of using drugs to get by and not really working or being the best he could be. But he was the sweetest man under it all.
My nurturing got him clean, working and driving; in a really good place. And we were really happy. He was fun loving and I was thriving on my success of helping him… but dying inside from burn out of trying to do it all.
Covid hit and due to the nature of my work I had to work so many more hours and he was stuck at home becoming more and more depressed and doing less and less in the relationship. I had a breakdown from working 65-70 hours a week and doing all the household piece, whilst he did 16 hours a week and struggled to hold it together. It broke us and I just felt like I had no hope.
We nearly separated but decided to do some counselling to get things back on track but if I’m honest, it never has quite. He has stayed heavily depressed and snappy… he has started to do more around the house but still not enough to be even, he’s nearly back to working full time. This is three years now.
I did some personal therapy and it helped me to learn why I wanted to fix people and deal with some long standing ptsd - I feel the best I have felt mentally in my life due to this therapy.
But for the last two years I have been having affairs. I can’t seem to stop myself. And I feel horrendous about it. Short term affairs but this is wrong either way.
my husband is a sweet man with faults and flaws like anyone; but he openly says he wants me to be less driven in my life and look after him more - for me it’s such a turn off. But I do love him and we have a wonderful friendship.
My feelings for him have changed away from being romantic, and I’m behaving awfully behind his back which is even worse! But I can’t imagine my life without him and I yearn for the pre covid days when he was warm and fun and loving. But I know he was like that because he was stress free because I did it all. He was my one and only then, the man I want in my life and no one would even catch my eye back then.
its all such a mess.
aibu to leave him?
sorry for the long post