To think my dad is dying?

[aintthatjusttheway]

I have name changed. I posted on here about 3 weeks ago. I wrote about visiting my dad and him talking to me as if he was saying goodbye. He was very nostalgic, apologising to me for his wrong doings and telling me how proud he was to have me as a daughter. All very out of the ordinary. I posted here asking if people could tell they were dying.

Anyways, got my dad to the doctor. Blood tests done. Nothing wrong.

I then visited him on NYE, he has wrecked his flat, was hallucinating and aggressive. My dad has bipolar and hasn't been taking his medication. I am in Scotland and phone NHS111. They were great and send the crisis team out to him. He was admitted to a mental health unit that night.

Blue lighted to Combined Assessment Unit the next day with suspected sepsis. In CAU for three days. Two nights ago I got a call from critical care doctor and told to get to hospital.

Dad is in an induced coma, he has kidney failure, sepsis and E. coli. He is 61.

Been told it's just a waiting game, and that if he does pull through he will be in the hospital for at least 6 months and will need a bowel operation and will probably end up in a care home or sheltered housing at the very least.

I still have no idea how things are looking. Keep being told by doctors and nurses that he is a 'very sick man' however, they remain optimistic and tell me every small win is a win. For instant when she shaved him today and nicked him, he reacted.

It's just me, my dad has no family and I have friends but I'm sure they're getting exhausted heating about this.

I'm meant to be back to work on Monday, I am a social worker and the thought of giving myself to another human is really worrying but my mum thinks I need to get back to work and normality as if he pulls through this could drag on for months.

I'm just looking to vent to see if anyone else has been in this position and work wise, any advice?

I should add, my mum is remarried for 20+ years so he literally has no one but me. No close family etc due to his mental health issues

Couldn’t read and run.
I don’t know if your dad knew how unwell he was, but clearly he knew something wasn’t quite right if you know what I mean. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I lost my mum what feels like a lifetime ago and … you just never forget these things. Big hugs and fingers crossed for your dad.

I’m sorry but it doesn’t look promising, especially with the kidney failure

I haven't been in this position but I personally think it's fine to take a bit of time off work to spend time with your dad. If he gets better you can return to work; if he gets worse you can take a bit more time. Go with your gut.

Longtime lurker but felt compelled to post. OP as a near orphan (one parent passed away during Covid and the other severely disabled and end of life) with no extended family at 37 myself I want to tell you that you are not alone. It’s hard and horrendous but you have to prepare yourself that the end could be near for your father.

You don’t say if you are local to him however make yourself as available as you can, keep your phone on and brace yourself. The next few months regardless of what happens will be hard. Talk to your friends, partner, adult children if you have them. Look after yourself. Work if it helps, don’t if it doesn’t. I wish you all the very best. It may not feel like it now but this, like all things, will pass.

I am sorry that your dad is so poorly. To me it does sound like his body is failing him.

Though I had several conversations with nurses and doctors preparing me for the worst with my own dad, who passed in 2016. So, I guess there is some hope that your dad might just surprise the hospital and pull through.

Personally I would take a day or two off work to help give yourself time to process everything. I'm not religious, but I found the staff in the Chapel in the hospital were amazing in giving support and even adding dad to their visit list. It might be something they can do for you, so you know he has someone else there.

Don't be afraid to ask the nursing staff anything about his condition, I know they are busy, but they will find time to update you.

When you visit talk to him, even if it's a load of nonsense. Or read to him, so he can hear your voice. Hold his hand if you've run out of things to say.

Oh my goodness, you poor thing
Your story has given me goosebumps, as it definitely seems like your dad knew that something was going to happen.
Please take care of yourself at this difficult time, and don't be afraid to ask for some time off work if you need it x

Thanks all. It's the waiting that is the worst. I see him plugged up to all these tubes and I think Jesus he's dying. But then the nurses and doctors are optimistic and I just domt know how to feel.

Yes, that is very confusing.
Please feel free to update us if it helps ... and also because I'd like to hear how you're both getting on

Sending love. Not been in your position but I would definitely consider some time off work. I get your Mum suggesting keeping busy will help but honestly as he’s so poorly I think I would be taking some time out

Work may help as a distraction but go in with clear boundaries about what is manageable on your case load and what is not. Explain that you’re being so clear about your boundaries to try and prevent needing to go off sick and they’ll like want to support you to avoid any prolonged sick leave.

OP, this is so hard You are doing really well being there for him.

I think I would try to maintain going to work/normal life as much as possible. It will give you a break from living in the situation every minute of every day. Your DM is right - this could really drag on.

Sending love. Be kind to yourself. Take time off work.

I’m sorry your dad is so unwell. Speaking from experience, I would say to spend as much time with him as you want/can manage now. You won’t ever regret it. Work can wait for a bit.

I'm so sorry, it's horrible and I can relate a little as my parents also divorced for 20 years and my dad was in critical care in 2019 he told me a fairly routine opp, it wasn't. Then he recovered and went quickly downhill 18 months later resulting in an urgent call to get to the hospital before he died, which fortunately I did. All I can say is take it a day at a time. You could try work but see how you feel, sometimes you know when you need to do something normal or different, self preservation and all that. I think I had a week off, it takes such a long time to process. Go with your gut, my mum sounds like your mum. No-one really knows but you. I'm sorry to say but it's such a lonely burden being that person for a parent. Professionals help, take any kindness you get from the nurses, find some counselling, friends rarely know what to say I think. One thing I did for my dad was to write a diary, they say that's important for someone in critical care because they lose the time and it causes some real mental health challenges, my dad had mental health problems beforehand so wanted to make it a bit better. You could try that. I just wrote down what happened, who the nurses were, that sort of thing. I hope it turns out ok for you and your dad. Take care x

Sending you a big hug, OP. I really hope your dad pulls through.

Only you know what would be best for you; if you can’t contemplate work and need to be with your dad then do that, if you need the distraction then go to work and see how you get on.

Waiting for someone to die is heartbreaking. Personally, I needed to spend every moment I could with my dad when he was dying. I’m so glad I did.

Sending you all the strength OP.

Please be kind to
yourself

Ps also wanted to say, me and my dad didn't really talk about big things, but we did have one very short conversation where he told me his wishes when he died, where paperwork was and I told him I was so sorry he wanted going to get better, it probably only took 5 minutes but it made all the difference

I’m so sorry. Firstly, you said you don’t feel you can give yourself to another human being at the moment so you have your answer about work on Monday. Take some time to sit with the situation, orientate yourself and then you’ll start your route through this.
I imagine you will feel everything and nothing and rotate through a variety of emotions.
Be as present for your Dad as you can, be present for yourself and commit to taking time out for yourself every single day - it’s self preservation.
Talk with the nurses and also chat with the chaplaincy team - they are amazing.
Sending a big hug

edited to add - another poster said about writing a diary. Writing a letter, noting things down daily is a great way to help yourself here and I say this as a complete non writer (resisted journaling for years and years!)

It sounds like he is very critically unwell so it's a day by day basis. It may go on for a long time but he is so acutely unwell right now I think I would want to be close. It sounds very much like they are actively treating him and definitely felt there would be a chance of recovery for him before they have taken him to ICU and put him on a ventilator.

I would disagree with your mum about going back to work rn. You have a very responsible job that you need your head in the game to do. If you've been there for a while and have a decent sick pay policy I'd take a bit of time to be with him and then you can reassess as things progress.

There's been no changes today. The waiting is killing me.

How long will I have to wait before getting any news what is happening going forward?

In my dad's case I would speak with the nurses involved with his care, they knew how he was recovering as they saw him most. You could call the ward your dad is on to ask how he's doing. Or ask to speak with the doctor, though for me it was difficult to get hold of my dad's doctor cos he was so busy during visiting hours.

Write down a list of things you want to know or understand about your dad's condition.