who is being unreasonable? me or dh re rooms and children

[injuice7]

In the house there is me, DH, our shared child and two DSC (both same sex).

When we moved into this house it was a two bedroom. Me and DH had the master and two DSC shared the other room (smaller but still a double).

When I got pregnant we decided to convert the attic which we did and at the time as DSCs room had already been decorated for them, we decorated our old room for our child and we moved into the conversion once it was complete and DC was in a room of their own.

This means that of the two "other" rooms, our child has the largest. In order of size it's attic which is ours, then our DCs, then DSCs but again to stress it is still a double room with enough space for two beds (not bunks) and gaming pcs with desks for both.

DSC did stay with us 50:50 originally but now they are teens it has dropped to maybe 1 or 2 nights a week at absolute most, sometimes less if they have anything specifc on with mates. Nothing sinister, they just don't want to be moving around as much and spend most of their time now with friends which is understandable.

DH has now suggested that DSC should have the bigger of the two downstairs rooms and our child should move into the other. I disagree, mainly because it feels like DSC are rarely here enough to warrant a larger room sat empty for 80% of the week (sometimes all week) and likely to get even less as they get older. And also because our child is here full time. It's their room now (it's been years now since we moved to the conversion), all of their things are in there which due to their age are a lot bigger than DSCs, toys, more clothes here, bookshelf, toy storage etc.. and also both rooms are already decorated according to the age / style of the occupants so seems silly to redo everything for the sake of the odd night.

I think this is DH trying to make it more appealing for them to come here but I don't personally think it will make a difference. They are just getting older now and don't always want to come stay over (they still come for tea throughout the week sometimes even if they choose not to stay). They have never suggested they have a problem with the current set up.

So AIBU for saying just leave it how it is now. Or is DH BU for pushing for us to swap the rooms?

If you’re going to swap, I’d move the teens into attic. Less stairs!

100% agree with you. Why should a child who lives there full time and has all of their belongings there move when the other two children are barely there and half two homes to split their things between.
My mum’s step children have been staying at her’s (their dad lives there too) since age 12, they’re now 17 and come every few weeks for a night, if that.

I'd have stayed in the master bedroom, moved the DSC into the attic and put your baby in the smaller bedroom, but none of that matters now. There's doesn't seem to be any sense in moving things now. It's probably just hard for DH to face up to his kids growing up and pulling away. You'll be there one day and understand how he's feeling. I'd keep the rooms the same but maybe help him find another way to connect with them. Perhaps he could take them away somewhere for a holiday?

I agree that ideally when you converted the attic you would have put the teens there - in two smaller rooms if possible. Now the fact they have to share is probably a bigger issue than room size. Talk to them - if they would stay more I would consider dividing a room, whichever is most feasible.

Have a chat with your DSC. I'd wager they just don't really want to share a room, which is fair enough.

Is it feasible to put a stud wall up in the attic to split it into two rooms?

What is the actual size difference I can’t imagine is it significant enough to make a difference to them doing over and worth the effort

What's the issue with sleeping on different floors? My daughter slept in our room until 6 months and since then has been in her own room on a different floor. Our room is upstairs whilst hers is downstairs.

The teens should have had the attic.

You should have swapped earlier.

In a way I feel for him he is clearly feeling their absence and is looking for reasons and solutions to it

In my opinion he should offer to meet them in the week and take them for food as teens like to eat out!! That way he gets to spend that one on one time with them

Do DSC have separate rooms at home? You can’t replicate that an if they do anyway.
Like adults, teens start an affection for their own bed I find.

They probably don't want to share. Could you partition the attic and swap with them? Having individual rooms might be better after a certain age.

I think the room split sounds fine as it is.
as a parent with a child (Dd17) who goes to her dads house EOW I find it odd that people assume teens want to spend less time at the other parents house. They are still a parent and should have to parent. Just because they have a social life why should this be facilitated by the resident parent all the time?

Sounds like he feels they are skipping away and maybe feels emotional distance is creeping in?
I think he would achieve more in talking to them. Telling them how important they are to him, taking to them about his hopes for what kind of relationship they'll have in the future and whether there is anything now they could be doing together that they're currently not doing.

But agree, separate spaces would be more appealing then larger, so if the attic room could be split in some way that would likely have more effect than just size anyway.

I'm amazed they didn't get the bigger of the two bedrooms as soon as you moved it though, given they were two sharing and the new child was solo. But that's all water under the bridge now.

Do they have own room at mums or Share there ?

Fine for them to share at yours and not have the larger room if not there much

If you did loft conversion did you add bathroom up there ? If so no way I would have given to teens

The child who is there all the time should have the bigger /best bedroom imo

I think you missed the part where the op converted the house after they’d moved in

You could suggest that you and dh swap with the dsc?

To those saying the DSC should have been given the brand new attic or other room the OP has already explained the room they share is a double with plenty of space for 2 beds. It is easy to spit those with blended families and those without in these threads.

Your current set up is actually fine as it was when the baby was first born too

Yanbu.

Ditto.

On here loads of people think it's wildly unsafe or something but it worked fine for us

Strangely it only seems to be if the op is on the 2nd and the baby on the 3rd floor. When I’ve seen threads where the op is struggling with space and not able to fit a cot in with a double bed, everyone tells them to give baby the bedroom and they can put the bed downstairs, but everyone hates babies being put in a 3rd floor/attic room 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's probably the room sharing the DSC don't like rather than room size.

No, I meant when the parents moved to the attic room the children could have been allocated differently. 🙂
But actually on reflection, the two older children not living there full-time might have been what decided it that way. I'm sure there is lots to take into account when these decisions are made.

The child who has a room on their own has the best room regardless of size in my opinion. So to share and have a smaller room to share is not the best option regardless of how often they stay.

I totally disagree that if you are not there full time, you get the shit room. Poorkids coupdwnd upin the shit room in 2 houses if both parets have more jids. Way to make them feel pushed out