…to relocate nearer family for support (single mum)

[Invisiblestrength]

Just that really. My company and industry generally is blooming in a new area that’s close to my parents.
They dote on my dc and are brilliant but currently we are the other side of the country
Im a single parent - I’ve learned to make it with (no ex-dh in the picture - they are overseas) but gosh it’s sometimes hard and the idea of emergency or occasional support is really appealing to me. And knowing someone nearby was also invested in my dc rather than just doing us a favour.
Id have to start fresh socially but I like their area, and schools are fine (my two dc are little).
Part of me feels like I’m bailing out though as I ‘can’ manage (just about), it just all feels so tenuous. Local friends offer and help here and there as I do for their kids but in reality, they have their own struggles!

Sounds like a good idea on the face of it. Apart from the feeling of bailing out (which I don't think you should worry about btw) are there any drawbacks?

I would without a second thought. Good luck!

Lots of couples relocate to be near family when they have kids. It’s a very normal thing to do.

Thanks! Yes I probably should have said more in post…. I had a super keen hobbie before getting married/kids which is quite a big thing where I live and I mixed a lot in those circles and liked the community. I thought I’d found my people and wonder if being nearer my folks I’ll find good community

in reality though I’ve drifted from that community since having kids - as I have barely any child free time (when not working) and also limited money!

I also mix in a circle of parents here where a going phrase seems to be that they wish they were single / I’m lucky to be a single parent and not managing another man-child… which I think has made me doubt myself a bit on really about craving more support and I guess I feel a bit insecure that I’m just being indulgent

thx for the encouragement in your and other pp’s posts.

to be honest I will rack my brains more re drawbacks. If there aren’t any more then that is my answer

I moved 200 miles to be near my parents when my DS was a year old and I'm really glad I did. It gave them the opportunity for a much closer relationship and meant I wasn't doing everything by myself. The only thing I would say though is that I went into it thinking me&my mum would have all this time together but in reality she already had a full life. They did childcare for me (they volunteered- they were really excited to be grandparents) but that kind of meant they didn't have much time for me as well. I know this sounds ludicrously childish written down! The first few years I was really lonely but gradually through work&school I've built up my own social circle and I'm so glad I moved when I did. My mum died a year ago and and I'm so glad she got those few years with DS before.

From what you have written it sounds like a no brainer. How old are your DC? Will you be able to get back into your hobby in the area near your parents in a couple of years?

This is a helpful perspective actually and I will do a personal check on how much I’m expecting! That makes sense - I do need to remember they will have their own lives…. I am a bit worried about being lonely, as you did though I’m guessing I’d also build up again.
I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s so precious that they got that time together xx

I have one toddler and one early primary…. I’ve got more chance of getting back into my hobbie with some parental support tbh but there’s a lot less going on there (think something like sailing).
Writing more over the messages makes me realise that it’s building back up that feeling of being part of a community that’s important to me, not just the specific hobby. I need to think about that might manifest even if a bit different.
Thanks for your encouragement!!!

If you’re going to do it, do it now. I split from exh when my kids were late primary/secondary school age and felt that it was too disruptive to move them at that age. All their friends were here, grandparents are 3 hours away.

It's a no brainer, do it.

In my experience of living near parents, the reciprocal support has been wonderful. They were brilliant when our children were little and now it is us supporting them. V pleased to have them close by.

I'd have a few chats with parents to make sure they do t have longer terms plans on loving or retiring to a different area.
We relocated to be near family and do not regret it at all.

Adding a "do it"
I moved with my husband and daughter to be nearer my parents and it's been great and I have taken up local hobbies here and found community and friends.
Although we had that previously, we didn't have the same level of family support for childcare and friends had their own lives and worries and so couldn't really ask them for childcare help. Good luck!

@Invisiblestrength I don't think loneliness will be as much of an issue for you as you've already got a child in school and another who'll start reasonably soon. I know 'mum friends' are sometimes slated on here but I've got a couple of really good friends via school who are both lone parents like me.

As a PP has said I think if you're going to do it you need to do it soon before the children get too settled where they are. It's definitely a big decision to make.

Have a chat to your parents about how much they can and want to realistically help. Do you have different expectations of what help means?

Are you thinking childcare two days a week and they are thinking nice coffee play dates with you and DC?!?

The last thing you want is to uproot from a community thinking you will get help and be much more alone and isolated before you moved

It works the other way too, as your parents get older you will be closer to help if needed. My mum spent years driving 2 hours each way to see her mum, sometimes staying over but mostly in a day, so when she semi retired she moved round the corner from us so.I wouldn't have to do it with her.
DD was older when she moved (5/6 I think) but it's been very helpful for the quick 30 mins here & there which is a bit too annoying to ask the ILs to do (they live 30 mins away)

I am married and live near my parents. They don't do regular childcare but they are available when needed e.g. will babysit so we can both go to parents evening or will pick up from school if we have a work clash or sometimes just for us to go out socially. It's really helpful to have someone who enjoys seeing our children and not having to weigh up if it is worth asking the favour. You are juggling things alone, so would likely value this more. (I'd ignore the comments about you having it easier not having a man-child to manage too!) If your parents were willing to babysit for you to pursue a hobby or have occasional nights out, that sounds great.

If your youngest hasn't started school, that sounds like a good way (hopefully!) of meeting people. Whilst you have a like-minded community right now, if you don't have the opportunities to be part of it, you aren't losing much.

I'm a grandmother and my husband and I live almost next door to my son and daughter-in-law. It works well for all of us. I love to see my grandsons and son and daughter-in-law and d-i-l's own lovely family. The extended family lifestyle works for us. I've looked after my grandsons a day a week since they were one and we are just about to do the same for my step-son's little boy. We're very grateful to be part of our children's families and in your situation, as a gran, I'd love to help. Win for everybody!