To leave after having a baby?

[StayorLeave87]

Mumsnet newbie here, feeling very alone. I’ve been with partner for 12 years and have an 11 month old baby. All good friends are mutual so I can’t speak to anyone IRL.

Since having DS I’ve felt increasingly unhappy in my relationship. The problem is that none of my partner’s behaviour is new, it’s more that I feel like I’ve been ignoring problems and am now sick of it.

Examples of issues:
*He’s quite selfish - eg when I was in final trimester and asked for him to walk dog with me as it was icy outside and I was worried about falling, he wouldn’t as couldn’t be bothered.
*He helps as little as possible around the house and mostly wants to sit around watching tv, unless he has better plans (ie with other people, not me).
*No intimacy - he makes no effort around me and I just don’t fancy him because of it. I feel like he treats me more as a male flatmate, happily burping and farting away all the time, lazing about in his pants.
*Funny about money eg has already said if we got married and split, he wouldn’t want me to be able to access his savings and pension. Which is nice to know when we aren’t even engaged!
*I’ve never had reason to worry about cheating but I have noticed him giving what I think are flirtatious looks to younger (think older teen/early 20s) women. I don’t know if I’m being crazy here but there’s just something that doesn’t feel right in this regard

I should say that there has been a lot of good in our relationship over the years, which is why I don’t know if I’m massively overthinking things. I don’t know if this is ‘bad enough’ to blow our lives up and go through the stress of co-parenting and seeing my baby less. We’ve had so many fights since DS was born but ultimately I don’t think he has done much to change.

Sorry for the very long message! So:

YABU: this is probably post-baby stress and you should keep working at it
YANBU: sounds like you aren’t compatible

I have noticed him giving what I think are flirtatious looks to younger (think older teen/early 20s) women.

He sounds utterly dreadful for this alone

This is a big one for me. I just don’t know if it’s all in my head. The fact that it’s even an issue though must mean something - I’m not a jealous person by nature

Nope nope and nope.
Throw him back.

He won't change, you'll resent him, he may or may not change.

Get rid. Sounds like he won't want much involvement as a "Co parent" anyway so I don't think you'd have to worry about seeing your little one less. Do you work?

Yes I work full time. Leaving wouldn’t be an issue from a financial point of view

Leave. Unless you want your DC to think his behaviour is condoned by their mother.

Leave before you waste any more years on him.

He gets to pretend to be a family man at your expense (i.e. your efforts run the house and raise your baby), whilst he sits and farts all day.

Who owns the house? Do you have family nearby?

This!! Grim. 🤮

We both own the house. Nearest family and most of my friends live minimum 3 hours away. For all intents and purposes I’d be alone

My advice is usually ‘don’t make any major decisions in the first 12-18 months after birth’. Because having a baby is stressful, your hormones are all over the place, and it takes a long time to settle into the massive upheaval.

However, the examples you gave suggest some big red flags.

i’d be gone! I was with someone similar. It only gets worse & you will really resent him. We split when our daughter was a toddler, & she she has no recollection of us being together & has said I did the right thing getting shot of him! It’s a lot harder on older kids. Get out now while the baby won’t remember the family unit. Life is too short for crappy relationships.

I think the flirting is the biggest red flag. That's not on and I couldn't trust someone with that mindset/behaviour

A lot of the rest is fixable (like being lazy) if he wants to change - but he has to make that choice.

I wouldn't want to give my money to someone if I'm divorcing them, so that's a bit of a silly question (sorry). But if he doesn't want you having access to money now that's a big issue.

Ultimately it's your choice but you have been with this man for 12 years and chose to have his baby. I think your should at least try to seek help with the relationship before dashing it away - not a popular opinion on here perhaps

What exactly is a "flirtatious look"?

I think the first year of parenthood can be especially difficult and everybody struggles with that in different ways, some of the things you mention I think sounds a bit like you’ve fallen into the “room mate phase” which is very common after having a baby and with some effort from both of you, you can absolutely overcome that.

What would worry me more though is:

1. Him being unwilling to help you/walk the dog while pregnant and icy, to be honest, I can’t believe he wouldn’t be offering to do those things anyway! I’m currently 6 months pregnant and my DH is forever asking what he can do to help (to the point of being a bit irritating actually!), I honestly can’t picture him saying no to anything I ask at the moment if it makes life easier for me because he realises how difficult pregnancy has been and he actively wants to help. The fact that you asked your partner for help and he still said no because he couldn’t be bothered is just awful & seems he has no idea what us women go through in pregnancy!

2. The attitude towards money is also a bit worrying. Especially as you aren’t even engaged, to me I don’t see why he’d bring that up other than to have a dig? And if that’s his attitude towards money I certainly wouldn’t want to marry him anyway!

It’s just a smile, but it’s a different smile to how I would see him smile at other people. If that makes sense. There’s nothing concrete so perhaps I shouldn’t have written it in my OP. It’s just something I feel a bit uncomfortable about because he has a bit of a ‘lad-ish’ side to him that I guess I don’t fully trust

Wow - when you write it all down you see the full picture of assholeness…

This guy sounds low. Please please please get rid. You defo deserve better x

He sounds a bit shit really. I would probably leave given it’s financially viable and move closer to your family and friends for support. If he’s bothered about his child then he will make an effort to see them and co parent. Doesn’t sound like he will though, if he can’t be bothered to do the occasional dog walk.

Ps my mum and dad split when I was your baby's age. My sister was 7 at the time and has always said she had a terrible childhood up till then and was scarred by (among other things) walking in on my dad kissing our young babysitter for example. Whereas I have no memories of living with my dad, only of his (dreadful) visits and outings with us.

If you're going to leave him, do it ASAP is my advice, before he can ruin your dc's childhood

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. You’ve all hit the nail on the head - he’s a bit shit. Not a dreadful person, but a bit shit.__

Hi OP given you have the finances I would probably be making moves to leave. It is so much harder when kids older and you feel you’re dropping a grenade into their life.
If you separate and he realises what he’s lost/works on the lazy side etc maybe there’s a chance of reconciliation and a good relationship.
But for now he sounds like he really takes you for granted and years of resentment setting in won’t be fun, unless you can let him know how serious you are first and he turns things around a bit.