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AIBU?

Give me a shake. My heads in a tiz

33 replies

BillieB1987 · 06/01/2024 17:39

Question is, AIBU to split up the family over these issues?

Background, been together over 20 years. Its almost like ive had an epiphany. Im thinking, were both 40s and ive grown up and hes not.

both work full time, kids. Married 10 years this year. I have big resentment in that he has never really stepped up. Like i say, we both work but i tend to do all kids related stuff inside/outside the house. For example i do all running around with kids to school, clubs, mental load, bath/bedtimes. I do all the cleaning in the house too. He says he does stuff but its a joke. If i ask him to wash up (washing up in our house is at least twice a day), he makes a song and dance over it. He does cook but this is all done around drinking and so often we eat late (after 9pm) for meals that should take 45 minutes max to cook. Plus i get left with a kitchen full of washing up.

We are like strangers in the house. We share a room but dont have sex (~2years). My decision. I almost feel like its the part of me he cant have, i give myself to everyone else, why should i give him that when he doesn’t help around the house/with kids. Plus ive got the ick and struggle to have feelings in that way for someone i have to mother along with the kids. Hes always been a selfish person in hindsight. He doesnt plan ahead to days out as a family/holidays, yet always planning nights away/days out with his mates. Today hes gone out for the day to a hobby, spent the morning getting ready, then out for mid day, wont be home until later tonight. Drunk

his drinking is in my opinion, ridiculous. He drinks daily and Christmas has been probably double what he normally wouldve drank. I gave up drinking when we had kids as someone of course needs to be in control to deal with them. Im not bothered and actually was never a big drinker. He holds down a full time job but when he gets in at night, he opens a beer and i dont see him all night. Weekends he probably starts drinking around 1pm to bedtime. He won a bottle of whiskey in the pub Christmas raffle and i just groaned that he is the last person who shouldve won it.

with his drinking he can be at times argumentative, we tread on egg shells, slams doors if someone pisses him off (doesn’t take much), will shout at us/swear. Its pathetic really.

ive tried to talk to him about the drinking and how it affects us/how it will affect him etc. he tells me that because i dont drink i feel like its a lot but everyone will drink like this. That im making a problem when there isnt one. Hes fine etc. ive said clearly this is who he is, i dont want this anymore and its my choice to end it. He just doesnt get it. Ive been accused of having an affair (like ive got the time!!! Im either at work or with the kids!)

ive told him im not happy and would like to split. He cant get his head around this and almost burys his head in the sand. Why am i splitting up the family, theres no problem, im mental. All adults drink, its what they do. Im the anomaly here. In fact, when it came to nye, he had been drinking during the day and then started a charector assassination on me saying how boring i am not drinking, boring because were not going out (i was ill but happy for him to go out).

sorry this is long, ill stop now but could go on and on

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

176 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
2%
You are NOT being unreasonable
98%
Ponderingwindow · 06/01/2024 17:55

Your children tread on eggshells when he drinks. Even if you were still madly in love with him, you have to leave.

yes, he will likely get parenting time. However, your children will
get guaranteed respite time from his behavior. That will give their bodies and brains time to relax . It will give them a sense of normalcy and how a real household should operate.

Right now they are learning to be in a constant state of fight or flight. They are learning to be responsible for someone else’s mood. The damage that does in terms of how they will operate as adults is inconceivable. Get them out as soon as you can.

Wolfiefan · 06/01/2024 18:00

His drinking affects his behaviour and the rest of the family. So it’s a problem. He doesn’t want to stop. You can only decide if you’re prepared to put you and the kids through this or split.

wellhellohowstheweather · 06/01/2024 18:02

Those aren't "issues" - he's a horrible terrible husband and father! I'm actually rarely of the LTB brigade but goodness me, leave him!!

Doggymummar · 06/01/2024 18:05

I had one like this. He spent £37000 which was his redundancy money on booze for him and his mates. He had jaundice and has probably died by now. We divorced ten years ago. He also spent £18k his mum gave us for IVF. You are lucky you had children. His sperm swam in circles. In the end, he was so deluded, and couldn't see we had a problem I had to pretend I was having an affair to get him to agree to a divorce. There are no fault divorces now. Please get one.

badwolf82 · 06/01/2024 18:17

Is there an Al-Anon meeting in your area? They can maybe help you to get your head around the situation. It’s a meeting for loved ones of alcoholics.

Would your husband agree to family or couples therapy? It sounds like there are a lot of unresolved issues going back years and it may be possible to salvage the relationship or at least end things on relatively good terms.

BillieB1987 · 06/01/2024 19:45

Thanks for responding. Whats Al Anon? Is that like AA? Is it anonymous?

because all his mates are big drinkers (when they are together) they dont see his problem with alcohol. Ive opened up to a couple thinking they might have his ear and be able to help me but they say they dont want to get involved. Fair enough. I try to talk to him about it myself and the impact its having on my and kids but ge laughs at me/rolls his eyes like not this again. He says im obsessed with what he drinks

i do want to LTB

OP posts:
JonjoMonjo21 · 06/01/2024 19:50

Could have written this myself, a year free of him now and my life is wonderful. Just leave him and embrace your life

EvilElsa · 06/01/2024 19:52

YANBU.
It's over. Any one thing you have mentioned in your post is a reason to split, and you've got a multitude of things. You won't come back from this point, it's done.

FusionChefGeoff · 06/01/2024 19:53

Let him know how serious you are and then put the wheels in motion to separate. He sounds like he has a real problem with booze and it WILL get worse. Don't wait around until that happens - get out now.

orangegato · 06/01/2024 19:55

Relationship is dead, why you still flogging it? Kids probably don’t want his useless arse around either.

badwolf82 · 06/01/2024 20:04

BillieB1987 · 06/01/2024 19:45

Thanks for responding. Whats Al Anon? Is that like AA? Is it anonymous?

because all his mates are big drinkers (when they are together) they dont see his problem with alcohol. Ive opened up to a couple thinking they might have his ear and be able to help me but they say they dont want to get involved. Fair enough. I try to talk to him about it myself and the impact its having on my and kids but ge laughs at me/rolls his eyes like not this again. He says im obsessed with what he drinks

i do want to LTB

Al-Anon is like a sister group to AA. Its for family and loved ones of alcoholics. Your husband does not need to be in AA for you to attend.

More info here: https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Consideringachange2023 · 06/01/2024 20:11

Well he’s an alcoholic so that in itself is one major reason to leave and take your kids with you.

Perhaps YouTube some documentaries or videos about adults who grew up with alcoholic parent(s) if you need some convincing how damaging this is for them. Or have a search for threads on here.

He will not change, if he thinks it’s all fun and games then leave him to enjoy it on his own. He’ll enjoy it until his liver packs in.

seriously, nothing you can do now. See a solicitor, get everything in place and make some serious plans to leave. Don’t argue over the drinking, what’s the point

Moier · 06/01/2024 20:11

He's wrong.. all people don't drink like that.. l used to social drink once a month.. l don't drink at all now.. my ex husband and partners didn't drink like him either... l can't even remember them drinking in the house.. only when out now and again.
Drink killed two of my old school friends ... one male one female..
I'm not anti alcohol but personally l can't see how so many people " need" it..
It's still addictive and can kill even if it is legal .

BillieB1987 · 06/01/2024 20:14

I have made it clear to him its over. He just cannot compute. I think he thinks im bluffing. I cant move out as the rental is fairly cheap and all others are ridiculously expensive in my area. He has family close by he could stay with at least. Except, hes far to proud to say to them- weve split up, can i stay at yours. He wont have the kids, they will stay with me (they will choose this given how he is). I think tbh that is the issue, he doesnt want to admit to people were splitting up so instead hes keeping put and hoping ill change my mind

its a horrible life im living and sometimes i hate it when its the weekend. Its not the way to live. I just want a happy and chilled household. Its bliss when he goes away for the weekend

OP posts:
TangoParadise · 06/01/2024 20:23

You are literally where I was for a very long time only mine never even cooked for me let alone anything else. A functioning alcoholic who I discovered was drinking in the mornings but hiding it and then attempting to take my dc out in the car!

We separated in October and he moved in with a relative last month. I’ve had angry, abusive messages, ones accusing me of an affair and then the ones where he doesn’t accept it and tries to act like we’ll get back together.

Please stick with your decision, you already know it’s the right thing to do. Not going to lie, it’s been horrendous quite frankly but I’ve filed for divorce now and have a solicitor to sort out finances. I will not back down despite everything, as I know I’m doing the right thing for me and my dc. I wish I could fast forward to the end of the process but I know I’ll get there in the end. And so will you. You deserve better.

EvilElsa · 06/01/2024 20:33

Take control and tell people you've split -he can't be in denial then. You need to sit him down and tell him you are not bluffing and you need to make plans for the future. You also need to stop doing everything for him -no wonder he wants to stay with a built in nanny and house keeper. He can do his own washing for a start. Start living as separately as possible and make it absolutely clear there is no going back. Have you thought about a solicitor yet?

MaggieNextDoor · 06/01/2024 21:32

Another vote to say get rid of him. Life is only going to get worse.

BillieB1987 · 06/01/2024 21:43

wow 63 votes 100% YANBU. Thank you

OP posts:
Clarabell77 · 06/01/2024 21:54

You’re not being unreasonable and you deserve much better.

Salesarefullofcutpricesprouts · 06/01/2024 21:57

I left when dh was at work. Stupidly we got back together 6 months later.. I filed for divorce when he nearly killed us drink driving. Dc and a drinker never a good combination ime.
Get rid and enjoy your life and your dc in peace op. His busy drinking weekends won't have much room for dc which really is a blessing for your dc..

MILTOBE · 06/01/2024 22:00

Who the hell is in the 1% thinking you are unreasonable?

BillieB1987 · 06/01/2024 22:27

Thanks for all the reassurance. I know, when all this is sorted, i will have a lovely peaceful homelife. I feel like im in limbo at the moment as im over all this and got my head sorted. Obviously he is refusing to.

do you think i should go ahead and put in for a no fault divorce?

OP posts:
MaggieNextDoor · 06/01/2024 22:37

Go and see a family solicitor and ask for advice. I would have thought you could divorce him for unreasonable behaviour.

itsmylife7 · 06/01/2024 22:42

No, it's not normal to drink that amount.

Definitely LTB

AutumnFroglets · 06/01/2024 22:53

Once resentment has set in it's hard to come back from that and most people would resent a lazy, selfish "partner". And that's before you described the drinking problem.

Ask him to leave. File online for a divorce (£600 ish), and see a solicitor regarding a financial split and the children. If he won't leave can you speak to the landlord regarding the tenancy if it's up for renewal soon?

Btw, which country are you in. England and Wales have a new no fault divorce system but Scotland didn't change.

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