Keeping a bolt hole

[UtterlyFrazzled]

We are caring for my elderly mother-in-law, the next step will be buying somewhere big enough for all of us to move in together so that my partner, my kids and myself no longer have to live separately in order to care for her.
After she has passed i am terrified that my brother-in-law (despite being entirely absent throughout her care) will cause havoc and we'll end up losing the house!! We have lived in our current home for a long time and the rent is far lower than anywhere else in the area.
AIBU to want to keep the tenancy on our current home as security?

BetterWithPockets

I had a lot of sympathy for you, OP, until you put we have too much respect for her to just dump her in a home — is that really what you think it comes down to? Kudos to you and your DH for stepping up — but it IS your choice, and just because others don’t make the same choice doesn’t mean they lack respect for their parents or are ‘dumping’ them somewhere.”

Absolutely, this. You made a choice, OP. No better or worse than anyone else’s.

I think you're hoping to live rent free in a house bought by your partner's mum and ensure you can keep it afterwards, depriving her other child of inheritance. Am I on the right lines OP?

It's always a choice, but on the financial/BIL situation I have just two words: professional advice

There's so much involved here you'd be very foolish to move ahead without it

I am shocked that you think he wouldn’t or shouldn’t!

You have not had to give up your business to look after your mother in law.

In any case this is between MiL and her sons, none of your business.

I think you're hoping to live rent free in a house bought by your partner's mum and ensure you can keep it afterwards, depriving her other child of inheritance. Am I on the right lines OP?

This. So MIL already needs a lot of care, and you want to use her money to buy yourselves a home, with the aim of depriving bil of his inheritance (whether he's helped care for mil, or whether you like him is irrelevant, if mil wants her sons to benefit equally of course they should). You are coming across as money grabbing and manipulative OP.

Save up and buy your own house instead of using mils money and dressing it up as a good deed.

Buying in your name would be deliberate deprivation of assets if care is needed in the future.

I should add, that of course he is not “entitled” to anything it will be a case of what is in the will. But I think you are well out of order to think you are entitled to a house out of this too.

So you live in a secure, low cost, long term tenanted house with your kids, and you want to uproot everyone to go and care for your partner's mother? Is this the best move for your kids, are you going to have enough time for them? Will you be sharing the care work with your partner or doing most of it yourself?

PPs are right, you need legal advice to protect your interests.

Wait, so you don't live together now, and you're not even married?! Sounds like you see DP's mum as your meal ticket.

Good lord what a TERRIBLE thing to say

Therefore people whose parents go into nursing homes are disrespectful and uncaring?

Shocking way of speaking about millions of families across the world

Shame on you

Is your DP doing 50/50 of the caring now? Is he using this as a way to conveniently get you to bear the burden?

Mother-in-law will buy the house as we can't afford to, it will likely be in our name but I can see brother-in-law insisting we sell so that he gets his half of what he feels he is owed in inheritance. Despite the fact that we have had to entirely give up our lives and massively impact my business to look after his mother.

You don't have to, you're choosing to and that is your decision to look after her rather than 'dump her in a home'. It sounds like you're expecting to get a big house out of it thanks to her money, so however noble and self-sacrificing your aim, there's always another angle, so be less emotive and more clear-eyed and transparent or any havoc will be of your own creating.

This ^

What you are trying to do is a deliberate deprivation of assets

There's also legalities to be very clear on if MIL buys a house in your name and then dies within a certain amount of time. It could look like avoiding inheritance tax and would be picked up on.

Please get proper legal advice. What if you split with your husband? What if he dies?

This isn't something to undertake without expert help.

As long as MIL is alive there is no inheritance. If she choses to finance a house that has you on its deeds that is a matter for her and you, not your BIL to decide.

Discuss the matter up front and maybe consult a solicitor as land law is a bastard. If you and MIL are on the deeds it becomes your house* and not part of MIL's estate when she dies. You will keep your home and BIL won't get a look in. In her Will MIL can leave her interests on the house to you and in her Letter of Wishes explain that you were the one to stand by her in her hour of need snd he couldn't be arsed. If he took you to court he'd be paying your costs.

*Property owned by more than one person is automatically owned by a trust owned by the people. When one if those people die then the remaining people share the trust/ person owns the house. It's really complicated. Ask a professional. A solicitor will save all that 1rent.

So firstly OP has already said that the estate is below IHT levels.

But even if that were not the case, there is nothing wrong with making lifetime gifts in the hope of avoiding IHT. In fact the law expects it and has provisions in place to ensure that tax will be paid on a sliding scale if death occurs within seven years of the gift being made.

So “deprivation of assets” to avoid IHT really isn’t the problem here, however if the home has been given away and then it is decided that care is required, then this would be an issue.

Just buy the house with a separate solicitor to the conveyancing once’s who will give guidance on your mothers estate, get a new will written and her wishes and reasoning officially recorded and make the purchase and arrangements legally robust.
Of course, if her health is deteriorating then she may have already lost capacity?

I think you are absolutely bonkers to consider long term care for MIL. Have you considered the impact on your children of the upheaval plus having granny in their living environment with possibly worsening dementia, continence needs etc. Elderly parents are not 'dumped' in a care home. If she has a house she can afford a decent place where there will be company, activities and support. Of course there won't be much inheritance left but there you go!

Will you be putting money into the house purchase too? If you are privately renting then you could get a mortgage too. If the new house is registered with you/dh/mum as joint tenants then surely it would automatically pass to the two living tenants.
This happened to a friend of mine. She was a joint tenant with her mother and father. When her mum died, that third went to her and her dad so they had a half share each. When her dad died his share went wholly to her. There was no animosity amongst the siblings, but she made a deed of variance to allow her to share the house proceeds with them as she felt that would have been her parents' wish. However, legally the house was only hers.
Surely being registered as joint tenants and backed up by MIL's will stating that her share was to go to you and DH would be a strong enough defence to any contest.

This!

It seems you are agreeing to this with a reward in mind. The house.

Dh needs to ask his mother if she intends to leave an inheritance to share with his brother and if the answer is yes, then you have to respect her decision. Bil is still her son, and you have no idea of the history between them.

You are doing this for the wrong reasons, on that basis alone it would be a good idea to stay out of it.

My DM was brought up in a household caring for her elderly grandmother. She is adamant should she ever be in that position we find her suitable accommodation in a care home. My aunt who was a sister in hospital cared for her father at home and also said the same. Care homes allow 24 hour care to the person and allow their family to remain their family, not their carers. Their family also retain their own lives which allows them to spend quality time with their loved ones. It permits them to retain dignity for toileting and bathing requirements. So truthfully ime there’s no such thing as dumping in a care home. Enjoy your house and come back her in a couple of years and tell us how hard things are!

👏 👏

Wize words indeed!

If she needs to go into a care home at a later but near date but bought the house and put it in your name it will be seen as being done to avoid paying care home costs. You would then have to sell. That is a much bigger concern than your BIL. She can make a will that makes it clear she isn't leaving any entitlement to the house.