How to cope with elderly parents as an only child

[mincespiescream]

Im an only child and my parents have no other family or friends so myself and my husband who is incredibly helpful do most of the caring.

I love my Mum and have no problem helping her but I find it incredibly difficult dealing with my Dad. In the last three months she has had chronic sinus infections and covid and been back and forth from the doctors. She’s been on three set of antibiotics and been very distressed crying on the phone to me saying it’s not getting better. I took her to A and E one night when she said she couldn’t breathe but they couldn’t find anything seriously wrong. I have a 6 month old baby and a ten year old at home so being away from the 6 month old for hours was tricky.

I went back with her to the doctors and the doctor said the problems in breathing seem to be anxiety related so they prescribed anti-depressants. I said it’s because this has been ongoing for months with no effective treatment that my mums depressed. I asked for an ENT referral and the doctor said it would be at least 12 weeks so I said we will make a private appointment. I made a private appointment in central London q hich took two hours of driving to get to and the doctor suggested a saline rinse, steroid spray and ear drops which we are going to try now. The GP hadn’t mentioned any of this. My mum has been complaining for months that she can’t hear. The ENT looked at her ears and he said she needs microsuction. These are things the GP could have mentioned but didnt. I feel really angry it took months to get to this point.

But the hardest part of all this is my mum is miserable now. She’s 80, she’s been crying on the phone to me every other day. While she cries my dad is in the background mimicking her crying and making fun of her. Then she starts shouting and crying saying ‘don’t ridicule me’ whilst I tell him ‘to fucking stop’ My dad denies anything is wrong with her but jumps for an appointment for himself at the first sign of anything, so his ears were blocked and in three days he went and got himself a private appointment after advice from another GP in the surgery for microsuction yet for months my Mums GP didn’t suggest it, I had no idea about it. I know it’s not my dads fault his GP mentioned it but my dad has now said my mum doesn’t need it anyway. When we went to the ENT, he said my mums ears are full of wax so she most definitely needs it. My mum said to him tonight ‘how can you speak for me, how do you know how I feel?’ I feel fed up. I end up arguing with him about everything because he just couldn’t care less about her. He even sat there like a pig, saying you don’t need it as there’s nothing wrong with you then saying ‘I’ve just got an email about patient satisfaction for my ear microsuction, it was incredible. I can hear perfectly now’ whilst my mum is sitting next to him looking miserable. The GP prescribed her anti depressants. I think it’s a mixture of the complete lack of treatment from the GP that’s made her depressed and also my dads denial of anything ever being wrong with her. He’s arrogant and self-obsessed and to be honest I hate him a lot of the time.

The worst bit is my mum started crying this evening saying me and my dad are always arguing. I’m exhausted. I have a six month old whose just recovered from croup and gone straight into teething and a ten year old who needs attention. I feel pulled so heavily into helping my mum and thoroughly resent my dad for being so useless and unkind. I sometimes hope he dies so that mum can live with us and I won’t need to fight him anymore. Am I just being a complete bitch? I don’t know anymore. Any advice please?

I mean this kindly. Calm down.

All that needs to be done in the immediate future is for your parents to get their ears de-waxed. It's available privately in most towns for £40ish and they should both be able to get that done next week.

Apart from their ears (and the bickering) do they have any other medical concerns? Could you back off for a few weeks, leave them to it and regroup? You sound absolutely fed up with it all, but I think there is more to come as they age.

But first things first, make the appointments so they can't not go, then tell them you're having a couple of quiet weeks at home and to only contact you in an emergency.

Your head will feel clearer afterwards and you can think of the future then.

I think you need to step back from their relationship and concentrate on the practical things… like appointments and such.

I would be really careful about inserting yourself into their fights and bickering. Madness lies in that direction.

Well I'm sending you a hug as it seems a difficult situation.

I can hear your frustration but are you sure your Mum is not depressed? There’s a lot of tears and agitation around something relatively simple - getting ear wax removed.

You need time to care for your young family and for yourself too xx

There are people who do this ear suction privately for about £40 an ear. there is one in our local community. Can you not find one and ask them to come and do your mum's ? She doesn't need to be referred. Are the ear drops to soften the wax ? If so then these may need a few days to work before suctioning.
Can your mum bring herself to you for the day to get a break from him ? Does she have friends she can spend time with. You could speak to Age uk, there may be things she can get involved with or meet others for a while if she's well enough ? There are all sorts of community mental health cafes where older people can get support from others. to be honest an awful lot of older people/ couples bicker - many find it depressing getting older especially when ill health kicks in and they only have each other to kick off to. This doesn't mean your dad should get away with being mean though.

If it's possible, I would suggest your Mum stays with you fr a good few weeks under the guise of rest and recuperation. I'm pretty sure her depression and anxiety will disappear once she is away from what's causing it (your Dad).

I haven't got a long-term suggestion, but my goodness your poor Mum needs a break from your Dad. From the sound of it, she's probably had to deal with this treatment from him for a good 40 years.

'If it's possible, I would suggest your Mum stays with you fr a good few weeks under the guise of rest and recuperation'

Before you even consider this OP, have a good long think about the impact this could have on you. Your parents' relationship sounds very unpleasant and nasty. Is there a chance that your mum could spend all of her time venting and offloading on you about it? I've had this with my mother and it's unbelievably stressful and soul destroying. Nothing is ultimately going to change, their awful relationship will continue but being expected to be the emotional container for all your mum's pain, in your own home, non stop, would have you on your knees very quickly

I second the advice from @NotSuchASmugMarriedAnymore to take a big step back for a while after they both get their ears sorted out. I absolutely feel for you by the way - my DP is an only child and it can feel like a crushing responsibility when your parents are ill or elderly

Does your dad have a history of being a bully or is he literally at the end of his tether with your mum? Has she always looked after him (and does he now resent their roles being switched)?Does your mum have a history of being very needy?

Just trying to work out what's going on here.

I would think that living with your Dad is making your Mum depressed.

Tell your Mum to deal with the practicalities: she doesn’t need your Dad to agree whether or not she needs microsuction (she obviously does).

Tell them both very clearly that you have small children, that you will help with practicalities were needed and when you can but will not engage in rowing or discussion.

I feel for you. My parents are elderly (early 70s) but both have significant health concerns. They have an unhealthy, yet strangely codependent relationship. Bicker and argue constantly yet can't seem to function without each other. Christmas was spent in and out of hospital and cooking and cleaning for an extra two people (with a toddler and pregnant). It is exhausting and frustrating (and I adore both my parents as individuals).

I don't have any good solutions. My only approach is to try and detach myself from parts that are not my responsibility. I cannot fix their relationship. I refuse to engage on it now. I've also put in place some small practical interventions. I will help with appointments. I've organised a cleaner and gardener. I will help with admin. I will not be emotional support. It's too much.

It's beyond difficult. Protect yourself and your family and actively choose to do things differently.

Agree with PPs, focus entirely on getting your mum's ears sorted out, do not get drawn into the squabbles between her and your (pretty horrible sounding) dad. Then take it from there.

OP, do not in any way underestimate how hard this will be for you. We had to cope with MIL (DH is an only) and the stress is unimaginable.

Please get over to the Elderly Parents forum where you will get excellent practical advice from people who have been through all this. Ask MNHQ to move this post over there.

Does your mum have a friends network locally?
I think she may be depressed as a combination of her health worries and not living in a supportive and respectful marriage. Not the time to be thinking about getting out of the marriage probably, but perhaps if she had more of an outlet and more time away from him she might feel a bit stronger.
It doesn't seem as if there are any acute health issues at the moment, so the ear waxing is a priority. As pp have said, this is easily available locally - you just need to get her there.
How are they financially? Could an option be to call in a home help/companion for your mum who could take her to appointments / out shopping / walk round the garden centre and coffee and cake.
Any luncheon clubs locally Mum could start going to?
Does her town have an active retirement association?
Anything that both gets her away from what sounds like a horrible man and gives her things to think about other than her health.

Does your mum have access to their shared finances or is she reliant on your dad to agree to spend £100 or so having her ears cleaned (it’s an easy and pain free procedure but it sounds like her distress is mostly related to a lack of control over her own care).

Ditto. Im in exactly the same situation. It causes me to feel really anxious.

Its so hard when coping with work, children, my own health.

Hugs to all.

Can your parents afford to pay for help OP? My DH is effectively an only child (sibling lives abroad and rarely visits) and his parents are in their 80s with a variety of health problems. A year ago they sold their house and moved into retirement accommodation which has helped massively. They also pay for a "cleaner" to come for an hour three times a week - there's not much cleaning for a small flat, so she also helps them with things like laundry, sorting admin, making appointments and so on.

You sound exhausted and this can't continue. Try to think of other solutions.

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate the advice

Im trying to get my mum to go to some classes so she gets out of the house.

I don’t think at the moment either of them would accept help in the home, my dad hates talking to people. He’s always been like this, he’s never lifted a finger but always complains. My mum cooks, cleans, does all the housework and always has done. My dad is a bully and this has been going on for
years. When I was a child he used to laugh hysterically when she cried and said she was depressed. He would laugh and make fun of the sound of her voice when crying. I’m so ashamed to say, I was only six or seven but some of my earliest memories are of me sitting there laughing too. It was only as I grew up that I realised how nasty this was.

My Mum had bouts of depression when I was a child but she always got herself out of it and kept going. She never left him though because although he didn’t work consistently for years she was dependant on him financially when he did work.

I have found some classes near her home and I’ve told him I will go to the appointments with mum so he doesn’t have to. I’m trying to keep conversation with him to sn absolutel minimum

You poor soul that is a really difficult situation. Sadly if they are both adults and have capacity then you are limited in what you can do. Impossible as it is you can't save your mum,she chooses to stay with your dad. Please don't blame yourself for laughing you were just a child.

Come over to the stately homes thread under relationships you'll get good advice and support regarding your difficult dad. Much love it's not easy xxxc

He sounds awful. Would she come and stay with you for a while to have a break? He might reconsider how he treats her if she’s not there to skivvy for him for a while.

sadly OP your father is abusive to your mum & clearly has been for decades. His behaviour & her response is ingrained over decades. I’m so sorry you are in the position you’re in

you could try ringing Hourglass for advice

https://wearehourglass.org/hourglass-services