Dumped as ex lost physical attraction

[czechout]

Long story short, over a period of 3 months (due to extenuating circumstances) ex and I didn't meet in person, regular phone-calls etc.
During this time, due to outside factors causing very high stress levels including losing a job suddenly in redundancy, I lost a lot of weight (this is not a humble brag - I didn't need to lose weight and it personally doesn't suit me at all if l lose too much). When I met up with ex finally I could see and feel he had lost this physical attraction and knew it was due to looking so unwell. In his text following this meeting he ended the relationship. I accepted the break-up not questioning the reasons etc.
Part of me feels it was very shallow of him and I am well rid, another part of me says maybe I should have explained why I wasn't looking my best which I didn't. I know how important physical attraction is particularly for men, on the other hand I found it shallow. Am I wrong? I probably need to work much harder on self-esteem.

Well what reasons did he give you for breaking up?

Very vague reasons, not meant to be etc, didn't mention physical attraction but he probably didn't wish to be brutal

If he was willing to break up with you without any proper conversation (presumably you look really quite different - didn’t he ask if you were ok?) then the relationship probably wasn’t as strong as you thought anyway. Blessing in disguise for you I bet.

Yes, I did look very different to the 3 months prior, he knew I had lost job and was stressed about that (amongst other stresses) and said to him I didn't feel very well in the moment but no, he didn't ask if I was okay, only if I wished to cut meeting short as said was on painkillers

I very much doubt it had anything to do with how you looked. By the sounds of it the relationship had already fizzled out and wasn't meant to be.

If he can't support you whilst you're going through a difficult time, you're better off without him.
Just focus on yourself and getting in a happier place.

I would understand that more if he had called time on the relationship prior to the final meeting.

I wonder whether he had mentally checked out already? Three months is a long time to go without seeing each other - I totally understand there were reasons, but it’s possible the feelings just fizzled out in that time.

I’m sorry you’ve not been well, hope you have good health from now.

it was much more likely to be the 3 months you didn't see each other.

Out of sight, out of mind

You are right, the 3 month gap wouldn't help but the fact that he called time after that final meeting made me think it was the lack of physical attraction because he could have ended it before this meeting.
Once he ended it I didn't address this matter but in retrospect wondered if I should have asked him if that was why he did it or whether in fact even if that was a factor I'm better off without someone who couldn't support me in difficulty.

Also, if in a hard period if your life he wasn’t someone you leaned on then it probably wasn’t meant to be.

When you’re in a strong relationship they are a focal part of your support system which it doesn’t sound like he was.

F him - sounds like he wasn’t the person you needed in your time of need.

Wishing you a happier 2024 and sending virtual strength and ❤️.

Really the reason doesn’t matter, you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t really want to be with you so don’t dwell on it.

@Bex5490 Thank you, yes I didn't lean into him a lot partly as he had his own burdens but also as for example in the case of the redundancy, he didn't see why it was worrying me and said there are other jobs out there so should't be worried. There are of course other jobs, but I had worked in the place a significant amount of time so had community ties etc.

Thank you for the good wishes, I wish you also a very happy 2024

@CaramelMac You are absolutely right, I guess the thing for me was I felt I could have fixed the weight etc and hence got back the physical attraction but overall I think well I could lose it again later or have another physical issue and then what? It felt like very shaky ground to be operating on so decided not to try to 'fix' issue with him - I kept thinking if you can't handle me at worst he didn't deserve best version especially if he knew I had been very stressed.

Exactly, he either loves you or he doesn’t but you shouldn’t have to change the way you look to keep the relationship alive, what if you did and years later got an illness and lost weight again, where would you be then?

How do you know he didn't just meet someone else in that 3 month period?

@MaryHinges Anything is possible but he could have finished it off with any excuse before meeting

@CaramelMac In that situation, yes would probably find a reason to divorce had we married.

I wouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion of weight loss / physical attraction.

The first thing that struck me is that most couples wouldn’t go 3 months without seeing each other, if they were both really into each other. I mean, I’m not saying it never happens… my nephew is about to do 4 months deployment in Oman and his girlfriend won’t see him. But most couples I know who have been kept apart by work or family issues would have got a weekend into the middle of that. So actually my starting theory would be nothing more than he just wasn’t that into you. Which is still really upsetting! And I’m sorry… but, not about your weight / physical attractiveness.

You mention stress factors but not limited to the redundancy - I’d also think he bailed because he didn’t want the complication of your life stresses, before I thought about physical attractiveness.

I hope it all turns a corner for you quickly.

I think k it's more likely that he was waning and meeting with you just confirmed to him that he didn't feel the way he should in a relationship. Not because of how you looked. The relationship just ran its course

regardless of what's going on or stress or whatever, if two people are really into each other and have feelings there is no way they would go 3 months without seeing each other. He probably wanted to tell you when you met but didn't have the balls. It's not how you look

“but also as for example in the case of the redundancy, he didn't see why it was worrying me and said there are other jobs out there so should't be worried.”

I feel for you with this!
I was on an at risk notice a while back. My husband just kept saying, “you’re fab, you’ll get another job easily!” I know he was trying to be a cheerleader. I told him very explicitly that I didn’t find it helpful, and I still had worries and I felt utterly dismissed. In the end, sad to say, I stopped talking to him about it, because he couldn’t drop the cheerleader thing.

❤️ for your worries.

Yes, 1 month was due to travel on his part, 1 month was due to unavoidable circumstances on both our parts, the final month was due to illness on my part and having to cancel plans due to this but yes I can see how this really didn't help matters.

We spoke regularly during this time but fair enough, it's not near the same.

@Testina Thank you, same to you