Hi all
A bit of background. I split with my daughter's father when my daughter was 3 months old due to dv. Over the span of 6 years, he has been inconsistent as a father, mostly due to there being more focus on me and his feelings there rather than being a good dad. A few times I've had to stop contact due to violet outbursts in front of our daughter.
Since last April, he finally agreed to no contact and go through supervised visits (after 8 months of not seeing our daughter because he wouldn't agree to this). He has worked his way since then into having unsupervised contact and things are going well. He has a girlfriend he's been with for 3 years and they live together. Recently he's told me that they are expecting a baby and she's due 'soon'.
He has also been asking for overnight stays which I wasn't ultimately comfortable with. However, after doing a Claires Law request on him and his new partner, I agreed (nothing flagged). It's also important to note he has another daughter who is older who stays with him and his girlfriend pretty regularly.
The first overnight stay went well. I have now asked that we have a routine for this of 2 nights a month because at the moment visits are pretty much random and when he decides he wants to see DD. DD is a child that likes routine and I felt this would be best for everyone if dates were set in place. Ex has declined this and said he can't commit to agreeing to overnight visits because he's expecting a baby and he and his partner will need time to adjust, despite being the one to ask for overnight visits???
AIBU to think this is a completely selfish and shitty thing to say? He hasn't said 'sure, let's start this but when the baby comes I might need a couple weeks to adjust'. He hasn't given me a due date. He's just said 'can't commit'. There's no compromise, no nothing. I feel like this is coming from his partner because when I was pregnant with DD, he was adamant he wanted his older daughter to be there from the outset and bond with us and I agreed. There's been a couple comments he's made about having to 'ask' whether DD can come to their house (it's the partners house) too. It's making me feel that our daughter isn't a priority to him and now I've pulled right back. I hardly think 2 nights a month is a big commitment.
It was me encouraging facetimes in the morning and before bed between him and our daughter to try and strengthen their relationship. Me who does most of the pick ups and drop offs. Me who sends pictures through the iPad and orders two of everything from the school so that he has stuff too. Since this exchange, I have stopped encouraging the facetimes and he's noticed and is making remarks that he can feel I'm 'sulking' and will leave me to get over it.
I've also spoken to DD when she asked when she's next staying at her dad's and explained that I'm not sure as he wants some time with the baby, just them, before she can come back, and DD is not happy. I don't see why I should lie for him and take the outburst when DD starts complaining she wants to see her dad.
Lastly, to note, he pays no maintenance. Doesn't drive (and we live about 50 minutes apart by car) and only buys things for DD sporadically.
So, AIBU?
Edit - not sure why it says son in the title!