How to manage this when I desperately need a break but DC’s dad does barely anything?

[Whatdoene]

Dc sees our one year old every couple of weeks or so. It’s odd, when he sees them he is good with them (not practically, that’s all on me, but he plays and they laugh). I don’t want him not to see dc at all so I have put up with this ad hoc situation where he will sometimes be available some weekends for a day.

I am exhausted. I really want some time off. I work full time and DC’s dad has never even spent a night with dc or taken them for the day. I have raised it gently that I would like him to see dc without me around and he just says at some point he will do that but not yet as he’s not ready. So off I go again, preparing the bags and whatever dc needs for us to take him on a walk etc. I do believe he genuinely is worried about time on his own with dc as he is quite hands on when I am around but often looks for reassurance. That said, he earns six figures and clearly is capable of things so he could probably make more effort.

I feel quite angry and conflicted about accommodating his time with dc in this way but I know if I make a fuss he could disappear (he’s done it before). Friends are telling me to play the long game here, just go along with things and in time he may actually have dc alone and I will have some time back. But I feel like I’m setting a precedent by doing this already? The resentment is building and if I try and pin down any sort of schedule he just ignores me, quite literally, but is then totally pleasant when it comes to talking about dc generally. It’s a head fuck and I am tired of it all.

Any advice from anyone who has been here?

sounds hard op. Not a long term solution but could you take some annual leave but still send little one to nursery/ childminder then spend the day napping/ watching trashy tv etc.
do you have any other support? Friends or family who could help out once a month or something?

That’s really crap OP, I’m sorry. I presume you haven’t been together since your baby was born, so he probably hasn’t a clue what to do? Not that that’s an excuse, mums have to work it out so dads should too!

Does he at least pay decent child maintenance? Could you use that for a little downtime (babysitter/nursery)?

Would you, if you approach it VERY smiley and cuddly and positive-ly, be able to say okay let's sit down and make a plan on how we're going to work to you having DC on your own, so maybe we'll start with me leaving for half an hour, then an hour etc?
Or saying 'what are you worried about, let's talk through a few scenarios of there's something specific'
Now, you shouldn't have to do any of this, he should grow the fuck up and parent his child, but saying that isnt going to magically make him do it, and if you need to baby him into it then that's what you do - you just have to go 'okay on the next visit we will do Xx towards the progress. Then the next visit we will do Xx.' At least you can say to yourself you've done everything I guess
FURIOUS that you have to deal with this though. As if it's not hard enough

Start off small and build up his confidence that way. Would he look after them whilst you had a quick shower? If yes, proceed to having an hour long bath (or just lock yourself away with a book and wet your hair on leaving bathroom). If that is fine then nip to the supermarket to get something like bread and milk. Build it up slowly until you achieve the outcome you are after. Good luck.

Can you explain that you need a break can he either

A. Take the dC for x amount of hours or
B pay for a nanny/babysitter?

Once the kids know the babysitter/nanny you may be comfortable leaving them overnight

Not much you can do if he ignores you except know he’s a dick to you and your kids

I have been here and I massively regret not putting firm boundaries in from the very start. My DS is now 8yrs and does not want to go out with his DF without me and DF does not encourage him to go with him, I don’t feel they developed a good bond as haven’t spent 1:1 time together and DxP hasn’t done any of the ‘parenting’ in terms of ensuring DS had all he needs (eg bag, drink, food). If I could go back in time I would rather run the risk of DxP either ‘disappearing’ or possibly stepping up and being an active father. Your DC is still very little so it is understandable that their DF may have some anxieties but I don’t think he is helping himself to resolve these. Can’t he take DC out for very short periods of time or come to your home and you go out for a little bit of a time, gradually building this up each visit?

or when he’s there say ‘nipping to the shop, back in 20’ and just drop it on him that way 😅 but again with the aim of building it up - difficult to do so when he is inconsistent and does not plan his contact with your DC (grrr)

the only reason I say I wish I would have run the risk of DxP ‘disappearing’ is that my DS has felt the effects of having an inconsistent/semi-interested father throughout his life and has often observed friends and their DF who make a lot more effort. This has lead to questions such around why his own DF is less interested etc.. in addition my DS now has younger step siblings who live with their DF and he therefore plays a much more active role which can be difficult for my DS to understand.

It's exhausting, I hear you. However there is no way you can force him to do more than he's willing to which is completely unfair and infuriating, absolutely.

You're within your rights to feel resentful but this is burning up your energy and won't make a jot of difference to the help you receive from him. In a way expecting more, getting a bit more grudgingly, then him disappearing would be a total kick in the teeth. I'd personally set yourself up with support from other people so you can factor in a break here and there. Look elsewhere, and deal with anything as a bonus, don't expect it to be fair, because it never will be unfortunately.

Absolutely not a chance. He would either need to step up or time to cut your losses. That's not a Dad.

I have raised it gently that I would like him to see dc without me around and he just says at some point he will do that but not yet as he’s not ready.

Why are you raising it gently??

He is as just as much of a parent as you are.

He’s got it pretty good hasn’t he, he gets to be involved without any actual responsibility.
And what’s worse is he’s not even building up or making proper plans to have more responsibility.

Tell him that he needs to step up.
Tell him that he needs to learn to cope, just like you did.

Tell him from now on you’ll be dropping DD off at his for half of the day with a bag of everything she needs.

Then after a month, tell him he’s then having her for the full day.

If he's on 6 figures he should be paying good maintenance. At first I thought he was abusive and you want to have no contact with him. Is it simply a case of he can't be bothered.

If he earns six figures and has no overnights, you must be getting substantial maintenance. Could you hire a night nanny one weekend a month and go to a hotel or something?

He's not a Dad, he's your other child. Tell him that next time he's with the kids you're busy and he has to take them somewhere. If that makes him disappear, he's no loss to them.

Thanks. I get decent maintenance but only just covers 2/3 of nursery so I am still spending a lot on dc and have nothing spare.

I am angry with him, I loathe him. Not good I know. Last weekend he turned up with a new haircut and I was thinking I haven’t had mine cut since before dc was born! He just doesn’t care. He works longer hours for more bonuses and obviously I see nothing of that. I know I could chase with child maintenance but I can’t be bothered with the aggravation it would cause. It’s not about the money I just really really need a break.