To be signed off with stress

[Luckylis32]

Hi guys

just looking for some advice mainly. I’ve been going through a lot lately my moms currently in hospital with sepsis and isn’t showing signs off getting better I’ve had to take a few days off work while she was in hospital as my siblings refused to take time off or wouldn’t for unknown reasons go and visit her a bit of back story I take care of mom full time however do work nights 12 hour shifts in a care setting 4 times a week I’ve been there over 4 years now and they know I take care of mom too, there’s only me at home siblings all have partners and children.

my mom has early onset of dementia has had a past stroke and now is very poorly with sepsis I’m shocked by my siblings lack of support and feel like everything is getting a bit much I’m trying to continue to work and visit mom however it’s left me exhausted I’m wondering if it would be worth going to the doctors and getting signed off with stress I wouldn’t want too long off just enough time so I can visit mom and also look at what options I have to get more support in place for when she comes home.

when I’ve tried for support in the past I’ve been told to quit my job and take care of mom full time I did this for three months hardly leaving the house and it left me with servere depression I actually enjoy going to work as it gets me out of the house and talking to other people I’m worried about losing my job because I’m taking so long off it’s all I really have.

I’ve had to take time off for the past 3 months one day in October for a sickness bug then a few days in November for a bad cold then just a few days at the end of December cause moms in hospital this would be my fourth month taking sick leave I don’t want to take the leave however feel like I can’t visit mom in the day so I can communicate with doctors and do 4 night shifts a week it’s leaving me exhausted I’ve tried communicating this with family however I just get told put her in a care home or if things are that bad the hospital can phone us I’m the only person visiting. My mom is only 57 and is usually quite well when she got told about her dementia she begged me not to put her in a home unless absolutely necessary if she went into one now she could be in one for 30 years.

am I being unreasonable for requesting a sick note for stress? What do you think the chances of me being sacked are? My attendence is usually quite good but I just feel guilty like I’m taking the p*ss

Im so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate

you need to do what is best for you. If you need to take time off can you speak to your work if you can take some time to provide care to your mum? If that’s not an option then 100% get signed off and don’t feel guilty. You need to make sure you’re ok so you can support your mum.

and give your siblings a massive slap and get them to step up and help. Just because they’ve got partners etc that isn’t an excuse they are her children as well.

hope things get better for you

What country are you in? You write 'mom' so I'm guessing US? As the answers will be very different depending on where you are.

I’m in the uk

Thanks for your kind words I already know the answer my managers quite stressed at the moment as our home is being sold and sometimes I feel like I make things worse or cause a inconvenience but I do need to put myself and mom first if I was to drop down dead tommrow I know I’d be replaced in a heartbeat and if my company has taught me anything the past year is loyalty means nothing

Exactly that. I lost my dad a few years ago and trust me you’ll want to spend as much time as you can with them before they go. As harsh as it sounds you’re replaceable at work but not to your mum.

going off with stress isn’t misleading the truth either. It’s incredibly stressful what you are going through.

im not sure on the ins and outs of employment law but im sure they can’t sack you for being off sick. They can attempt reasonable adjustments or look at termination if nothing can be done BUT that would be after a long period of sickness. Maybe have a chat with ACAS to see what they can advise. Best of luck

Sounds tough and I’m sorry.
You do four x 12hr shifts every week? It’s usually four in four off so you’d be able to maybe save your hospital visits for days off.
Sick leave is not really for these situations. You need some carer’s leave. Could you request unpaid leave? Or tell your siblings you can’t do the visits on your working days and specify days that need extra cover.

If Mum is in hospital what does she need?
look after yourself. You need that job for the long term. You should prioritise your own needs and not feel guilty. You need proper rest when you’re doing nights.

No it’s three on two off and I’ve already argued with siblings to the point I’ve been in tears they won’t go and visit her my sisters going on holiday tomorrow and brother said he can’t take time off work and it’s not even about what she needs it’s more being with her and someone being there when she wakes up and not just strangers she does get anxious when alone and will start shouting I’ve been told that’s the dementia.

I’ve already spoke to my manager about caters leave or changing my hours or reducing them I was told no as there’s no one to work my shifts as there currently going through a high turnover I just feel like everything’s a bit too much now if mom were to die then she would die alone