Seeking solidarity, anyone else have a waste of space man as the father of their child?

[Fediph]

Just that really. I’m so fed up. No consistency with arrangements, never getting back to me in a timely manner, expects me to do absolutely everything and has never offered to care for dd (2.5) since we split. He does pay but only after I claimed cms. He is good with her when he sees her but it is like having a second child. I despise him and I am so disappointed in myself that I got involved with such a deeply selfish and immature person. It was obvious at the time I was in the relationship too, so I only have myself to blame.

You can't change him, you never will, the only thing you have to do is manage your situation with him and DC

use this as a learning experience to change you... don't get involved with a knob jockey and definitely don't get up the duff with a manbaby... but do not, and I repeat do not beat your self up about the past, shoulda woulda coulda... makes no difference now, you are where you are, make it better from here on out.

@toomuchfaff thanks. I don’t feel i will ever trust anyone again to be honest, so no concerns with choosing the wrong person again. I’m so disappointed in him, know I can’t change him but he is beyond disastrous.

Really feel for you OP…

So shit to know you’re tied to life to someone you’d happily watch get eaten alive by wolves.

He’s an asshole, but if you keep facilitating a relationship between him and DD even through gritted teeth, after what will probably feel like forever, she’ll realise this for herself and not blame you for it x

It's shit but ds2 is 18 in 7 years and 7 days so only 7 years and 7 days to go for me!

Mine has managed to get his child support cut to £27 pcm for two children despite working a full time job im waiting for them to go back to school to phone and find out fucking HOW considering he has just had a massive inheritance and is working full time

He saw ds2 once last year

Stopped seeing ds1 last year

Pointless waste of skin

@Theunamedcat its sick isn’t it!? Ex is the same, no real commitment to see dd. He is such a self absorbed person. I don’t know anyone else like him at all. I genuinely would not care if he disappeared from the face of the earth

@Bex5490 thanks. Trying to do my best, some people are just truly not very nice

Yep, my ex hasn't seen DS in years (his choice). He does pay and of course he thinks that makes him a hero.

He was abusive to me as well (I was young when we got together and I got pregnant with DS when I was 17) so personally I'm glad I don't have to see him but it's shit for DS. I blame myself as well for my poor choices so I've tried my best to do right by DS ever since.

You said he's good with her... Go and see him tomorrow and hand over your dd, tell him you'll collect her 5th Jan 2025, it'll be his turn again in Jan 2026.
Make sure you are out of contact for at least a month. Hopefully he'll grow up and understand his responsibilities.

Yes. Mine has never even met him. No child support ever. Quite sad for DC really, but sometimes you're better off without. It all turned out well in the end. All grown up and very happy.

Very sorry. It's hard and disappointing. At least he's paying though so you can provide for them. You'll get past the heartbreak eventually once you accept it. And perhaps you need a bit more time before you can do that.

There are good men out there though. Just set the bar higher next time! Life goes on.

Honestly people keep claiming I'm withholding the children from him they don't understand he never showed up! I increased contact he decreased it I increased it AGAIN he decreased it then totally stopped it "due to covid" im ashamed to say I begged him to just take them for a walk once or twice a month so I could do the shopping ds2 is clinically vulnerable PLEASE don't make me take him to a supermarket nope no can do its better for them if I stay away so I took him he was too young to even leave in the car and he cleaned the trolly sanitised his hands wore his mask and never asked about his dad again

After covid was "over" (ie hevsplit from his girlfriend) he told me he wanted to see them for an hour twice a week and aggressively threatened me with court if I said no he "spoke to social services" and they agreed he was being reasonable so I complied he barely showed up they constantly refused and here we are not seeing them at all now

This is not the life I planned for my children

Could always be worse. My ex doesn’t see our children and pays no maintenance. He’s never had them even one night since we split, not one.

Honestly feel like he may as well be dead, he just doesn’t exist.

Yet you chose them to father your child.

On modern MN I'm surprised veni's response hasn't been immediately deleted!

But, for the assistance of young women, going forward, why did you have babies with these men?

Looking at it another way, why did these men, who were clearly not mature enough to commit to a relationship or support their children, get these women pregnant?

Because I had a shit childhood as the cliché goes and I never had good relationships modelled to me. My parents were divorced, my mum suffered terribly with depression and couldn't live without a man so I had a stepdad who didn't like me, my real dad was in prison a lot and took drugs around me. I thought my boyfriend was my "saviour" and I left home at 16 to live with him as I couldn't bear to be at home any more.

I have matured and managed to raise my self esteem and I haven't had a relationship since then. I've raised DS on my own for 15 years and he's wonderful and intelligent, predicted to get top GCSEs this year and wants to be a vet.

I own my poor decision making but I was essentially a child (was 17 when I got pregnant). At the end of the day I'm not the one who fucked off and left my child.

My one is just ridiculous. Doesn't see DD, only saw her once when she was 6 weeks old, said he'd make it a regular thing and we never saw or heard from him since.
He left when I was 7 months pregnant.
He already had twins with his ex but they'd been split for around 5 years when I met him. After me he's had another 2 babies with 2 other women and left them too, so he's now a triple idiot. Does pay CMS for what it's worth £40 week

So what did he have going for him that made you think having a baby with him was a great idea?

@WandaWonder I just really liked him. He had a professional job and seemed on the surface really sensible. Said all the right things and no red flags. We got on so well and did so much together. Rented a house together. He did see his twins regularly. He was 5 years younger than me which I really hated but that's the only problem I foresaw.
His sister tells me he's gone downhill, sounds like due to drugs

Why this fascination for blaming the women?
Abandoning kids is a society wide issue. Men from all classes find it acceptable to stop contact and not adequately financially contribute. Society applies no stigma and women are blamed, particularly when they are forced to claim benefits to survive.

There are some men that are obvious arseholes and there are some you would never believe could do this, the behaviour comes out of the blue.
So again, why do you rush to berate someone who can't go back and change the past, and not the fathers who aren't doing their bit????

I've been through this too so I know how hard it is. I thought kicking him out would help (it did in the sense I didn't have to put up with his shit at home) but I still had to deal with him and his lack of, well, anything.

I was the one who had to watch as he failed to turn up to our child's school events, and had to pick up the pieces and deal with the fall out every time he let him down. And I did, regularly, on repeat, right up until our son was an adult.
My ex also refused to work, saying he had mental health problems, so he never paid maintenance either. Those problems magically disappeared literally on the day he would no longer have to pay any maintenance - he actually started working full time the very next day after that.

It does eventually get better, but sadly I found it only happened when my son became an adult. It was very tough time in those intervening years though. I've no real advice, except to say hang in there and have the best relationship you can with your child as you possibly can so they always know they have one parent they can solidly rely on.

@WandaWonder also I was 40 when I had the baby with him not a teen who is blindsided by love if you think I'm a fool for having a baby with him