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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Returning to work bitterness

14 replies

Mumtooneatm · 04/01/2024 17:12

AIBU?
I'm the breadwinner, primary parent. Have a professional career that I’ve worked hard for. Do find it stressful at times but for the most part enjoy it.
My little one is 3 months, I am returning to work at 6 months. Very lucky to have a supportive family and grandparents that are looking after LG. Partner is really hands on and she loves him but does travel for work (particularly over summer months). He treats me really well. Previous long term partners have been high earners but also never felt as loved and as happy as I do now.
However I’m feeling increasingly bitter about having to return to work. I know we are lucky that if I wanted to return to work for less days we could probably get by, lifestyle would be affected.

I keep comparing my life.
I have a friend who has also had a baby at similar time (married into a family which means she will never have to work again), am seeing other friends from uni with babies on luxury holidays etc…
I feel a bit like a brat for saying this but I’m feeling bitter about this. In reality I know that I should be grateful I have a loving relationship, a healthy LG and a roof over our heads.
Am I alone in feeling this way? AIBU?

OP posts:
Dogknowsbest · 04/01/2024 17:15

Would you really want yo give up work though? It would be really boring.

prawngate · 04/01/2024 17:15

YANBU particular as you're used to a different lifestyle as is your friendship circle.

However, as they say, you've made your bed. Do your best to get on with it as these feelings of resentment will only get worse when your circle continues doing things you can not.

prawngate · 04/01/2024 17:16

Dogknowsbest · 04/01/2024 17:15

Would you really want yo give up work though? It would be really boring.

Only boring people get bored

fedupandstuck · 04/01/2024 17:19

I think it's fairly unusual still for women to give up work completely and be financially dependent on their partners.

Unless you're a billionaire there will always be people who are better off than you and can afford more holidays and more luxury. Comparison is the thief of joy, it really is.

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 04/01/2024 17:19

Can’t you take a year? You might find after a year you’re more happy to go back.

PSEnny · 04/01/2024 17:20

I had to go back at 10 months, single parent no choice. I just didn’t think about other people and their circumstances, if you compare you will feel bitter. You’re really lucky to have what you do, cherish it.

Consideringachange2023 · 04/01/2024 17:21

Don’t think you’re being unreasonable, it’s natural to feel envy over others lifestyles or experiences sometimes.

If you can manage with working slightly less, maybe reduce a day down or do condensed hours and have a day off in the week then I’d really consider doing it for a year or so. You can revisit once DC is older, any decision you make now doesn’t have to be forever.

you’re lucky to have family which sounds like you won’t have childcare costs to worry about, which of course makes you the envy of many, many people! Me included!

My dcs both went into full time nursery at 1 which allowed me to continue my career, which was really hard at times but I’m now in a senior role with great income and prospects. Both are doing really well at school and of course don’t remember that they were in nursery at 1/2/3. It’s had no bearing on our relationship and has only had positive impact on their maturity, confidence and development by spending time with other care givers and peers.

But in regards to your OP, of course it’s fine to feel a bit of resentment that others have it easier - I feel that about people with lots of family on hand - but don’t let it make you bitter and don’t cut your nose off to spite your face.

If you’re going to be happier working less then cut the pay cut and make the most of the early years. And remember THE most important thing you can do for your child is give them a stable secure home with both parents present modelling what Is a healthy and loving relationship. Which it sounds like you have!

Also, luxury holidays with a baby or toddler? Hah! The pictures lie, it’s hell travelling with them. Not relaxing at all!

Coconutter24 · 04/01/2024 17:23

Can you not extend maternity to 9 months or a year? You might feel differently after a bit longer.
The worst thing you can do is look at what others have or are doing. Don’t compare your life with others

LangMayYerLumReek2024 · 04/01/2024 17:26

Baby is only 3 months old. You will have no idea how you will feel in a few months time.

My mat leave was longer than yours (11 months) and in the early days I couldn't imagine going back to work. By about 7-8 months I was very ready for a return to adult company and using my brain.

Is there any way to extend your mat leave or to look at reducing your hours e.g. compressed hours or 4 days a week.

In the meantime you will enjoy your time with your baby more if you try not to be jealous of others.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/01/2024 17:27

I think the resentment is not having a choice- that’s hard whether working or a SAHM- and I’m the main bread winner too

Coffeespill · 04/01/2024 17:28

Previous long term partners have been high earners but also never felt as loved and as happy as I do now. I'm not sure why you put this bit in? Is it to show you think money and being loved are somehow connected?

malificent7 · 04/01/2024 17:38

" you have made your bed?"
Really? Bit harsh. Most people have to work...good on you for doing so well but yanbu to feel a bit resentful.

Resilience · 04/01/2024 18:07

Comparison is the thief of joy and all that...

Separate this out. What you're experiencing sounds more like not feeling ready to leave your baby. If so, you would be better off working through that by talking to your partner. Plenty of mums feel the same way. Often it comes down to fears that baby will grow more attached to the caregiver (they won't), not feeling physically or emotionally level yet (full recovery takes time), not really wanting to go back to work... Working out the real reason will help you tackle it and if you discuss it with your partner it might strengthen your relationship rather than it being fractured because you're holding resentment about earnings not being enough to support you.

However, you may be feeling unsupported by your partner in the parenting role and just latched onto the earnings as a way of identifying that. That's more serious and needs some discussion. If this is the case though, definitely do not give up work as it will entrench the inequality and leave you vulnerable.

Congratulations on your baby! 💐

Original poster
Mumtooneatm · 04/01/2024 18:58

More that I guess on some level comparing the life if things had been different - not being as pressured into returning to work for financial reasons

OP posts:
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