Am I a terrible friend?

user8816372 · 2024-01-04T15:32:35+00:00

I feel awful saying it, but I find engaging in any sort of chat with my friend just absolutely draining at the moment. Every single day there is a new issue, a new illness, the need for reassurance or seeking validation and it's sucking the life out of me. She's a lovely person, but I can't take any more whining. I can't ever have my own issue or share my own problems because it's just so clouded by whatever her latest drama is. If she's not poorly, it's her child. If the child isn't poorly, it's husband. Am I awful for not wanting to hear it anymore? I really value her friendship but lately it's hard work!

Hermittrismegistus · 04/01/2024 15:40

Of course you're not terrible. Your job is to be a friend not a counsellor.

There is nothing wrong with saying to someone that you just can't do with hearing about their problems at the moment as you have your own stuff too.

Keepingongoing · 04/01/2024 18:41

It sounds like she’s got into the habit of dumping all her negative stuff onto you because you’re a good listener. Of course you’re not a terrible friend, it sounds very unbalanced and over time this would wear anyone out.

It may be that she only does this with you , and presents a very different side of herself to other friends.

Newchapterbeckons · 04/01/2024 19:00

I think it’s okay to spend less time with her and more time with uplifting friends!

Original poster

user8816372 · 04/01/2024 19:17

Yes, maybe. Every situation I try to advise on or provide a solution to is never good enough. Every suggestion always is met with negativity and it's driving me insane!

OP posts:

ChocolateTVandbaby · 04/01/2024 19:19

I would spend less time with her

if you're not enjoying it then what's the point

is she a close friend?

I think I may have been like this in the past in my younger days and didn't have the self awareness to realise

TeenLifeMum · 04/01/2024 19:20

I feel this is why my friends all pulled away from me. I had an awful year last year and didn’t share because I didn’t want to burden anyone… but then we went out and drank wine and it all came out. Friends were supportive and lovely that night but then the contact stopped. Things are much happier in my life now but I’m hurt how they pulled back. These are friends I’ve supported through their hardest times - divorce, cancer etc and when I needed them it wasn’t reciprocated.

Friendships need balance though and in my case I didn’t feel I’d taken more than I give. I’m still friends but share less. They’ve no idea I had 2 family deaths before Christmas because I don’t share as much now.

Original poster

user8816372 · 04/01/2024 19:20

Yes, one of my closest friends!

OP posts:

toomuchfaff · 04/01/2024 19:35

Energy Vampire... those who suck the very life out of you emotionally

Listen to your body. ...
Remember that you are in control. ...
Be straightforward and non-confrontational. ...
Take a break. ...
Know when to cut someone out completely. ...
Don't feel guilty for setting boundaries.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 04/01/2024 19:37

Stop trying to solve her problems. Move it on. Tell her directly that you feel that your conversations have gotten into a very negative pattern and you feel that you want to make an effort to be more positive. That it is not that you dont want to support her, but that maybe she needs more than you can offer at the moment.

Mrgrinch · 04/01/2024 19:40

Just don't reply to her messages when they're of that nature. Or reply totally off topic.

Bex5490 · 04/01/2024 19:49

What keeps you in this friendship? I have friends from a long time ago because even though they’re annoying, we have shared experiences that I can’t recreate with anyone else.

What are this energy vampire’s (@toomuchfaff loving the phase btw) positives?

C0untDucku1a · 04/01/2024 20:00

user8816372 · 04/01/2024 19:17

Yes, maybe. Every situation I try to advise on or provide a solution to is never good enough. Every suggestion always is met with negativity and it's driving me insane!

She doesnt want help or advice, she wants to offload.

You said; I really value her friendship. Why? What does she offer you? What does she bring to the table?

C0untDucku1a · 04/01/2024 20:06

TeenLifeMum · 04/01/2024 19:20

I feel this is why my friends all pulled away from me. I had an awful year last year and didn’t share because I didn’t want to burden anyone… but then we went out and drank wine and it all came out. Friends were supportive and lovely that night but then the contact stopped. Things are much happier in my life now but I’m hurt how they pulled back. These are friends I’ve supported through their hardest times - divorce, cancer etc and when I needed them it wasn’t reciprocated.

Friendships need balance though and in my case I didn’t feel I’d taken more than I give. I’m still friends but share less. They’ve no idea I had 2 family deaths before Christmas because I don’t share as much now.

I doubt that is the reason as it was a one-off.

MNUse · 04/01/2024 20:18

Please be kind and tell her directly that while you’re sorry she’s struggling, her constant negativity is draining for you and she needs to find a counsellor if she wants therapy, you value the friendship but it needs a re-set so that you talk about more positive things and your life as well as hers if it’s to continue.

I so wish my best friend had done this instead of just binning me off without ever directly saying why. I would have listened and changed (I did ask about her life btw and was interested, but in retrospect I can see I was doing a lot of trauma dumping as she was a good listener and I don’t blame her for getting fed up with that, I just wish she’d told me and given me a chance to address it while we were still friends.)

Runningwater1 · 04/01/2024 20:20

@user8816372 has she always been like this?

Original poster

user8816372 · 04/01/2024 20:26

She's been like this on and off as she has anxiety issues but I've told her before, I can't keep feeding her needs to be reassured as it just makes her worse and seek reassurance even more.

Lately it's been other stuff though, rather than MH stuff. Illnesses (which really haven't been anything serious, I was ill at the same time with the same issues), general day to day whining and just general negativity. He history with MH issues makes me scared that I'm being insensitive!

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TeenLifeMum · 04/01/2024 21:00

@C0untDucku1a it was a one off but an ongoing issue that wasn’t quickly resolved. I’ve always been there for everyone else and when I needed friends (just the occasional “how’s things?” messages) they didn’t come. But I’m sure you’re right, maybe they just don’t like me - what would I know 🙄

Runningwater1 · 04/01/2024 21:01

@user8816372 sounds difficult, you don’t need to feel trapped though because of MH, just tell her you need to take care of your own mental health and take a few steps back. She will understand that, she might also feel relieved not to be the one who “needs” something emotionally.

MiracleMumm · 04/01/2024 21:39

I have a similar former friend. Supported her through many, many crisis’ only to find she couldn’t get away fast enough the minute I needed some from her for a change. I’d have a word with her about finding some kind of external support or therapy so that your friendship can survive…that is, if you both want it to?