Play date mum. Help me please

[swimminginthepool]

AIBU to think I'll never make any friends?

My daughter (6) has a play date today with her friend. Friends mum coming too and is nice and always says hello, what are you doing at weekend etc. How can I turn the small talk into more of a friendship? I struggle with this in general and I think I (and my kids) are missing out a bit. Please help me

I’d start by stopping overthinking it in advance! Just be open and friendly. You can’t force friendships and if I’m honest the fact that you’ve posted this might indicate you tend to come on a bit strong and scare them off?

just relax , I hope you all have a nice time

Friendships develop naturally so don’t overthink/force it. She may or may not turn in to a friend. But relax, ask questions etc.

I’d offer them a drink and just try chat naturally. Ask about their Christmas and new years and try see how the conversation goes.
I tend to overthink things and I’m quite introverted so to me this would be something I would be struggling with too so don’t worry, you’re not the only one!

Friendships take time so don’t put pressure on yourself. Just be friendly, have fun and ask questions, and let her into your world too.

This is perfect

Chitchat about various things - Christmas/weather/holiday plans, local happenings, something interesting you've heard on the news/read, hobbies, etc.

Give your friend time to answer, don't talk over her. Just be friendly, not over anxious. Don't start apologising over and over if something goes wrong, don't fuss over things. Be relaxed. Lots of people apologise and fuss out of nervousness by saying their house is a mess, or are you sure that coffee is ok, can I make another, and so on - don't go down that path.

Ask how her Christmas was, if she has any plans this year, if she's been watching/reading anything interesting lately she'd recommend, etc. just general chit chat and see where it goes.

But try and stop thinking of this as a high stakes situation where you need to befriend this woman, she might not be on your wavelength or be looking for more friends right now. When people can feel it's a bit forced it's offputting and they're more likely to inch away! Plus it's nice to have 'pals' like this, people you meet through your kids who you can while away an hour with but they don't necessarily have to turn into best friends, you know?

Maybe focus on making new acquaintances via other avenues if you can, develop a wider circle. Join groups that meet regularly, or volunteer, or go to events and chat to people, or try the Peanut app. The more opportunities you have to hit it off with someone the more likely it is to happen.

Say something like 'I was thinking of getting a few people out one evening to the pub or cinema, would you fancy coming?'

Agree don't put pressure on. Don't make it specifically about her. IME it's hard and takes years to make mum friends, the blunt truth is that most women don't have time or energy for much more than small talk but the odd social can work.

I agree that I wouldn't assume that she has time or energy for more than small talk. I enjoy chatting with other parents on playdates but do not have the time/emotional bandwidth to meet up with them without kids or message them all the time. It's not at all a slight on the other parents I meet, many of whom I am sure I would like to hang out with an ideal world. It's just that there are only so many hours in the day and I only have so much energy. So I would try to enjoy the chat for what it is - if it develops into something more, great, but don't try to force it, or feel offended if it doesn't.

It’s easy to say act natural if you’re good at this sort of thing, but if you’re anxious or unsure what ‘act natural’ looks like it’s not so easy!

Remember she’s there because she wants to be and your kids are pals so you’re already off to a good start. Try to think of a couple of questions in case you hit an awkward silence.

Doesn’t need to be deep and meaningful - start with talking about Christmas, and what you’ve both been up to. That’ll easily lead to asking about her family. Then there’s plans for 2024, any holidays, kids’ activities etc.

Keep on with the small talk, as others have said, ask about weekends, holidays etc. You'll pick up on how busy/hectic her life is or isn't from this.
See if any opportunities to go for a walk together or such.
Again, don't rush it in case she turns out to be not the friend you imagined than have issues breaking it off.

Basically, keep chatting but take your time.

Good luck OP.

I’m not sure from your OP but are you ok with general chit chat but wondering how you can take it to more than surface level ‘how was Christmas’ etc?

I'm not good at this but my husband is and people tend to gravitate more towards me once they’ve met him (e.g. he met a group of the parents from DDs school on a night out and 3 of the mums added me on Facebook the next day).

What I’ve noticed is that he tends to get straight into asking them details about their lives e.g. how they met their other half etc and is genuinely fascinated about other people’s lives. He uses people’s names a lot.
In contrast I don’t even know the jobs or names of what some of the people I chat to every morning are.

I am tattoo artist so I have to make conversation with random people every day. I’m also autistic so I pretty much just operate on scripts, it’s not come easily to me! Here are some ideas in addition to those suggested above.

So are you from this area originally? Did you move here? Where from? What’s that like? What do you do? How’d you get into that? Any holidays/anything good planned this year? What’s your favourite place you’ve been? Been watching anything good lately? What are the kids into watching at the moment? What kind of music are you into? Picked up anything nice in the sales? Do you have pets (all kind of pet questions follow)?

Ask for recommendations is always a good one. Even if you don’t need it per se. Ask what good places they’ve taken the kids, let that flow into more conversation about best/worst trips out for example. Ask about their favourite places locally. Ask about restaurants.

Unless the person is genuinely antisocial and doesn’t want to interact, these should flow you into plenty of avenues of conversation and you should hopefully find some common ground.

I will admit I am clueless how you take it to the next bit of being true friends! But I always manage the friendly conversation part. 😅

Big hugs OP - I know what it's like to find it hard to make friends. It's a dreadful feeling.
The others have given you good advice. On the point of not worrying if you don't become bezzie mates - I read something a bit ago saying that the little incidental interactions and shallow acquaintanceships that we all have are actually really important in terms of your sense of self. So if you wave across the park at another dog walker every morning, that isn't very emotionally taxing, but it helps you establish yourself as a Denizen of the Park, IYSWIM. So - yyou know, have a chat, drink some tea, exchange little anecdotes about your children- it's still worth it. Xx

It helps if you are quite an open person, you need to both a) express an interest in the minutiae of their life and really listen/engage with their responses, but also b) share a little. People who never give you any insight to their own life can get a bit boring, it feels like a deeper connection will never develop.

Great posts - I just wanted to add, go into this playdate reminding yourself that you are worthy of friendship and that you have lots to bring to the table.

I was only able to build good friendships with good people when I understood that I was deserving of friendship and had things to offer too.