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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hating my life right now

100 replies

ChangedName1236 · 03/01/2024 23:14

My DD is 9 and a half. Has never ever ever slept through the night. Not once. Always needs me there and it can take forever.
She lacks confidence which I've tried so hard to help her improve but I can't even go to the bin store in our block of flats (would take a max of 2mins it's so close) without her needing to come with me.
She wants me to sit in the bathroom while she has a shower....the list goes on.

We've been through the health visitor which started when she was 2, onto the school nurse when she was 4, we've been to CAHMS and had 9 sessions there of CBT when she was 6/7.
Had an ADHD screening which upon the results was decided she didn't score high enough for the full assessment.

Finally got to see a paediatrician just before she turned 8 and was prescribed melatonin and phenergan for sleep.
Sort of works but I still have to sit outside her bedroom for at least an hour every night if not longer.
We follow the advice of the paediatrician to the letter - no screens for at least an hour before bed. Decent diet, plenty of exercise. Had dosage tweaked along the way.

Nine and a half years. All I want is to put her to bed and go and sit on the sofa.

Tonight I had her in bed about 8:15 and sat outside till 8:40. Thought it was safe to move. Nope.
Moved at 9:30 once she finally stopped wriggling about - I walked into the kitchen turned around and she was there. I'm so fed up I ended up telling her to F off and leave me alone. Not proud of myself at all but she went.
Tried to go to bed at 10:30 and she bloody woke again as I went into my room (past hers).
I'm at my wits end. She is constantly up my arse at home, constantly moaning about friends at school not letting her join in etc (she chooses to hang out with the ones who don't let her join in rather than the others who do)

I'm a single parent and work full time and just feel like running away. All I want is to have evenings to myself so I could call a friend for a chat, have a cup of tea or watch something on TV.

Sat in tears writing this so if you're gonna chew me up and spit me back out please scroll on

OP posts:
Farmwifefarmlife · 03/01/2024 23:18

Don’t be hard on yourself lone parenting is seriously tough! I don’t have much advice unfortunately is there anything that does make her feel safe? Could you build on that? I definitely sympathise with needing 5 minutes to yourself.

mamacorn1 · 03/01/2024 23:18

Is she part of any groups like brownies or something? It could help her self esteem and teach her to be independent. She is at the age where “no” can be used , and then mean it. Put her to bed , go to the sofa , do not sit outside. If she gets up, walk her back, say goodnight and go back to the sofa. I think you’ll have to be firm until she gets the routine .
sending you good wishes OP.

kintra · 03/01/2024 23:22

God OP, that sounds absolutely awful. I'm not going to chew you up at all, I don't know how you've lasted this long. No advice as I'm not a parent, but surely at 9 she could go to bed with a book even if she's not ready to sleep? She's not a little child

Original poster
ChangedName1236 · 03/01/2024 23:30

mamacorn1 · 03/01/2024 23:18

Is she part of any groups like brownies or something? It could help her self esteem and teach her to be independent. She is at the age where “no” can be used , and then mean it. Put her to bed , go to the sofa , do not sit outside. If she gets up, walk her back, say goodnight and go back to the sofa. I think you’ll have to be firm until she gets the routine .
sending you good wishes OP.

Yes she does 2 sports clubs that she enjoys. One a child from the class below at school attends so they hang out together and the other one took her a long time but now has a friend there she usually pairs up with.

I've tried doing this over the years and she just gets back up. Her record is 3am before I went ballistic. This was 2 weeks into me putting her back everytime every night and I had nothing left in me.

She just will not sleep without me nearby. I can't function on tiny amounts of sleep and get really ratty and it's just exhausting.
I know she's not this bad at her dad's. I even said to her daddy don't sit outside your room and do this so why won't you leave me alone. I get the impression she's possibly a bit scared of him, as in him telling her off not in general.

I've had him on the phone before on bad nights but I just need this to stop somehow but I don't know how.

OP posts:
herewegoroundtheblueberrybush · 03/01/2024 23:31

I'm an experienced professional in the field - I think your daughter is probably autistic and CAMHS have missed it. Look into for their assessment and support,

Original poster
ChangedName1236 · 03/01/2024 23:32

kintra · 03/01/2024 23:22

God OP, that sounds absolutely awful. I'm not going to chew you up at all, I don't know how you've lasted this long. No advice as I'm not a parent, but surely at 9 she could go to bed with a book even if she's not ready to sleep? She's not a little child

Yes we've done reading a book but she will be up for hours, she just doesn't get tired or have the incentive to go to sleep at all.

Although she's 9 and a half she's immature I think compared to others her age. She needs to grow up and I try to nudge her to do things but she just won't

OP posts:
herewegoroundtheblueberrybush · 03/01/2024 23:33

That should have said *further assessment.

WomanFromTheNorth · 03/01/2024 23:33

Has she been assessed for ASD? I think more likely to be asd than adhd. Push for an assessment.

Original poster
ChangedName1236 · 03/01/2024 23:34

herewegoroundtheblueberrybush · 03/01/2024 23:31

I'm an experienced professional in the field - I think your daughter is probably autistic and CAMHS have missed it. Look into for their assessment and support,

Hello, thank you.
Can you let me know what sort of characteristics she would also likely display other than the horrific sleep?

And what can be done for autism I don't know a lot about it is it medication?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangedName1236 · 03/01/2024 23:35

WomanFromTheNorth · 03/01/2024 23:33

Has she been assessed for ASD? I think more likely to be asd than adhd. Push for an assessment.

No she hasn't, only the ADHD assessment x

OP posts:
herewegoroundtheblueberrybush · 03/01/2024 23:38

The key things you mention that set alarm bells for me are:

  • been seen in CAMHS at young age
  • assessed for adhd (people can see she's neurodivergent but adhd doesn't fit, girls often missed for autism)
  • immature for age
  • anxious
  • sleep problems

She probably also:

  • has few friends/is on the periphery/has one intense best friend
  • doesn't like change, finds transitions hard
  • will struggle with secondary transition

This document is quite helpful, although autistic people are not all the same: autisticgirlsnetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/Keeping-it-all-inside.pdf

herewegoroundtheblueberrybush · 03/01/2024 23:39

No medication for autism specifically but understanding her will be more helpful than you might think. Opens doors to lots of other strategies, and generally will lift your guilt and anxiety and well as helping her now and in future.

SantaBarbaraMonica · 03/01/2024 23:44

OP, what you are going through would utterly break me. I get so distressed when the kids keep coming into my time and space relentlessly and there’s been times (because they were young and sick) that day after day of no alone time in the evening would have me at breaking point.

You are a great mum to put your needs aside all this time but your DDs behaviour is not what you’d expect in a neurotypical child, especially at 9 yrs old. I hope you get some support and answers.

Original poster
ChangedName1236 · 03/01/2024 23:46

herewegoroundtheblueberrybush · 03/01/2024 23:39

No medication for autism specifically but understanding her will be more helpful than you might think. Opens doors to lots of other strategies, and generally will lift your guilt and anxiety and well as helping her now and in future.

Thank you so much I will have a read of this tomorrow, I've given up and let her get in my bed now, she's back at school tomorrow and I'm just done.
She's at her dads this weekend thank god so I can re set

OP posts:
fedupenough · 03/01/2024 23:46

This sounds like my Daughter, aged 11. Diagnosed ASD age 3. She is around me constantly, doesn't sleep till late at night. Constant high levels of anxiety about everything. How is she at school?

PhoenixIsFlying · 03/01/2024 23:52

Sounds exactly like my daughter who is 14 and still needs me to lie with her whilst she goes to sleep.
Mh daughter has autism. She gets so tired but will not sleep.
I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions. J just completely understand xxx

Dryupyourdesertwithtears · 03/01/2024 23:57

I have two non sleepers, I've just given up on having an evening. My son, who is not on the spectrum or has ADHD, is 7 and can stay up until midnight most nights. My 8 year old is on the assessment waiting list is similar but will go to sleep about 9.30 most nights. Both do afterschool club's, exercise, eat carbs late, you name it.
I found that I was getting so stressed trying to get them to sleep that I wasn't helping. Now I just roll with it, sleep with them, put an audiobook on, do my teeth and sleep when they sleep. What else can you do?
Also a full time single working parent.
I would suggest carving out other time for yourself, I like early morning or the one day they are with their dad to do something creative or watch a box set.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/01/2024 00:01

My daughter was like this. We gave up and put a bed in our room. That worked well.

She was diagnosed ASD at 16

SeulementUneFois · 04/01/2024 00:01

Keep going back to the pediatrician and keep insisting, they may be able to increase the dose of melatonin.
Be clear with them that you're at your breaking point, suicidal.

ThisIsASeaplane · 04/01/2024 00:02

I'm autistic, one child diagnosed, one other child possibly about to start the assessment process (depending on advice from paediatrician) and other family members diagnosed.... this certainly all sounds very familiar..... although of course I'm not trying to diagnose on the basis of your post alone, before anyone shouts at me! But I would agree with the advice you have already been given to at least look into it and discuss with your GP. It is often overlooked in girls, unfortunately. A diagnosis has had a very positive impact for both my child and myself so far.

(Edited for grammar).

ThisIsASeaplane · 04/01/2024 00:03

Sorry, presumably actually paediatrician rather than GP, as she is already under paediatrics care and they will have all the background etc.

hardknocklifeforme · 04/01/2024 00:07

To be honest I would put her in your bed and get in with her - tell her she needs to be silent - then lie in bed on your phone or laptop or TV.

Pekoe78 · 04/01/2024 00:35

I would definitely push for an asd assessment. My daughter is asd and really struggles with the transition to bedtime. She can’t wind down in the way that we do, it’s like her mind and body are in overdrive. She is also very young in her ways and can be clingy because her anxiety levels are really high. If your daughter has asd she can’t help her behaviours and she needs you to be a calm, accepting presence. She can’t simply grow up or snap out of it. There is no medication that can ‘fix’ autism, it’s all about adjusting your expectations of her and your parenting style. You need a lot more support than you’re getting too, it sounds like you’re burned out, I’ve been there and it’s so important that you get some respite even if it’s only half an hour a day.

Original poster
ChangedName1236 · 04/01/2024 06:37

fedupenough · 03/01/2024 23:46

This sounds like my Daughter, aged 11. Diagnosed ASD age 3. She is around me constantly, doesn't sleep till late at night. Constant high levels of anxiety about everything. How is she at school?

She's apparently fine at school. Her parents evening / reports always say she is pleasant, tries her best in all subjects (struggles with maths) and generally a nice kid and has a group of friends?

So when the ADHD assessment pack arrived for them back when DD had just gone into yr4 (now in yr5) they were very surprised.
The only thing school has ever brought up was her maths struggles

OP posts:
Pekoe78 · 04/01/2024 07:05

It’s very common for a girl with asd to appear “fine at school”. Girls learn very quickly what they need to do to fit in and will often be the quiet polite untroublesome one in class. My daughter’s primary school were unable to observe much at all when they had to contribute to the asd assessment but my daughter was still diagnosed with asd based on the evidence from home.