Reported historical sexual abuse case today. Please help me.

[Celticliving]

Today I gave a video statement to the police, reporting one of the people who sexually abused me and my friends 25 odd years ago.

Not only that, I named each and every one of the men (from the same institution) that sexually abused the other girls in my circle.

I was encouraged to name these people but now I'm feeling horribly guilty and uncomfortable that my childhood friends are going to hate me.

Was I unreasonable to finally expose this abuse?

I can barely breathe right now.

I believe that speaking out is powerful beyond measure. I believe that your act today will have impacts that you will never see. It will give people you courage and that effect will ripple outwards giving strength to people that you will never know or who will never know where this vein of courage began. Thank you.

So many brave women on this thread.

And to anyone reading this who has been abused but not reported for whatever reason - it was not your fault, you too have done nothing wrong.

Well done for reporting it! Even if nothing comes of it, you have shone a light on the evil thing that happened to you and others, given yourself a voice and perhaps helped the others it affected as well.
I am flabbergasted at how many people I know were sexually abused as children.

This is because you have disassociated to some extent what feelings you had at the time, but when telling of others abuse that you knew about, empathy for others kicks in, and behind that is your own rage for yourself, the rage that has bubbled and fizzed that you have, as part of your survival tactics, pressed down inside your mind and your body.

You have spoken, out loud, for yourself and others. An act you could not do as a child. Now it is time for you to care for yourself, and seek out those that you feel can help you.

Those other children who were angry at you are adults now ands will deal with this as they chose.

so please please reach out for support because this is part of the journey that you can not do alone.

i worked in DVA and sexual violence for many years it is important that any help you seek is specialist

6% of voters are probably idiots who don’t understand the question. Sending you lots of love and support.

Thank you so much. I've had a pretty terrible night and I'm now feeling really ill so that's not helping!!

Well done. You have taken the difficult step to report this.
Might be worth asking MNHQ to move it away from AIBU so you don’t get silly posters voting?

Hi OP. I've been in your position and the weight of guilt is immense. It's easy to say but remember this is not your guilt. Anyone who turns on you (and some will) are part of the problem. I wish you well. We need people to take a stand and expose these evil individuals. Abuse relies on silence. Good luck OP. Try not to think too much just live day to day. Things will be bleak for a while then before you realise it you'll start to feel stronger.

@Celticliving you are an incredible woman. Please ignore AIBU voters- they probably pressed the wrong button or think you are BU to worry that your childhood friends will be angry.

What you’ve done is stop these men from abusing others. Very brave. So much easier to bury it all away but you’re facing it head on.

Do you have real life support? Please take good care of yourself.

You have done the right thing, if others do not wish to participate that's their choice when they are asked. Who knows whether these men are still doing it, even if you prevent one further act of abuse it's a victory. As grown adults I am sure they have realised it should be reported , at 13/14 probably scared of the consequences. It will be okay, just take one day at a time and remember you have done NOTHING wrong.

6% of trolls, the ones that start with 'I mean this gently OP but are you a idiot' . People that protect monsters and are monsters. There is no way in this world you are unreasonable.

op please understand that the 6% could be men/abusers/abuse enablers etc...please dismiss them.

I think you are a hero for speaking out, abuse only stops when it is reported..
I have not been sexually abused so cannot claim to know how it feels, but was (totally out of the blue ) violently abused and then stalked by a boyfriend.

I shouted about it to everyone, called his father, mother, sister, made a police report, his friends, our joint friends...no way was he going to walk away unscathed.

His family confessed he had been violent before but no girlfriends had reported him, hence there could be no prosecution as it was considered a first offence.

He left the country and l tracked him for a long time so that l could feel safe....

l would have liked for him to go to prison so that he could not hurt anyone else.

By being brave enough to report him you are protecting innocent women and girls and that is worth a huge amount. Please don't doubt yourself.

Well done, it is a very brave but scary thing to do. I went through this myself several years ago, whereupon the police investigators contacted two of my female cousins who had also been abused; one of whom had never told anyone. It brought us all closer, so try not to feel guilty, it is the abuser who is entirely at fault. The police investigation team were professional and empathetic, and the presiding judge on the court case was fantastic. Make sure you get lots of support from friends and loved ones. I understand why you 'lost it' when naming the other male abusers and what happened to your friends, because it is easier to feel for others rather than ourselves due to the disassociation we experience from a very early age. If you can get therapy, EMDR helps. Take care.

Well done, it is a very brave but scary thing to do. I went through this myself several years ago, whereupon the police investigators contacted two of my female cousins who had also been abused; one of whom had never told anyone. It brought us all closer, so try not to feel guilty, it is the abuser who is entirely at fault. The police investigation team were professional and empathetic, and the presiding judge on the court case was fantastic. Make sure you get lots of support from friends and loved ones. I understand why you 'lost it' when naming the other male abusers and what happened to your friends, because it is easier to feel for others rather than ourselves due to the disassociation we experience from a very early age. If you can get therapy, EMDR helps. Take care.

You are an absolute hero, and so incredibly brave. You have absolutely done the right thing.

So many incredibly brave women on this thread. 💞

Everyone should report historic abuse. It makes me furious that these scumbags get away with it. I've tried to live a good life, and not hurt people, yet I've had to pay a savage price for every failure and mistake I've made, even when it wasn't my fault. Yet these bastards, who traumatise others for their own sexual kicks, seem to constantly get away with it. I've known SO many women who were raped or abused, yet hardly any of them went to the police. Many are still affected to this day. For example, I know a woman who was raped by her stepbrother as a child. She lives alone and has never had kids, while he's now rich and happily married. You can see photos of him on SM, tanned and grinning, with a loving family around him. Happens time and time again.

You are a rockstar. You are mighty and brave. Thank you on behalf of all the people who aren’t able to, or are still going through this.
Breathe deep.
You've done an amazing thing.

You are a strong person and I’m sure most, probably all, of the other women will feel very differently to how they did as teens. They won’t be forced to engage if they don’t wish to.

Ignore the tiny number here, and focus on the vast majority who know you’ve done the right thing.

You are right in that these abusers should never get away with abusing but so many do.

It takes a great deal of courage to report an abuser.

It is particularly difficult if the victim has no support.

In years gone by victims were not often believed and so a lot of abusers have actually been reported but no action was taken.

I think there is more support now but there are still families who live in denial and ostracise victims if they speak out.

I would never judge someone for not reporting abuse. They could be so damaged as to have blanked the abuse out. They might be living in terrible fear.

There are lots of reasons why victims don’t report.

Some witnesses who might have corroborated the victim’s statement, particularly witnesses who were also abused, might refuse to give evidence.

Some under age victims were groomed so thoroughly that they practically hypnotised into believing that they were willing participants.

It is such a complex subject and I so wish there were more services to take victims through the process from start to finish.

The OP has been extremely brave and we can be grateful to her for putting herself through this process.

I hope OP remembers throughout this that she had done something wonderful which will benefit all of us.

It can be very hard to convict but whatever the outcome OP should hold her head high.

Good luck with all this OP you are wonderful.

Even if the abuser gets away with it (and it's certainly hard to prove such a thing years later), reporting it does at least have two effects:

1. It forces the abuser to confront what he did. If the man in question (and it's usually men) has been living in denial, or has convinced himself the victim led him on, her coming forward might prick his conscience. If he has children of his own, it will hurt even more, because he'll be thinking "god, imagine if someone did that to my little girl."

2. If the abuser now has a partner, and the police turn up on his doorstep, it will mean some deeply uncomfortable questions. And while he might be able to lie to the police, he'll find it harder to look his partner in the eye and say it never happened.

Still, I do agree that you should never judge someone for not reporting abuse.

I did my video interview over 2!years ago now and it exhausted me.. But if it helps after 25 years the court date is set and the police have uncovered all sorts of evidence that I had no idea still existed.
After such a long time it feels great to know he must be absolutely shitting himself.
Well done for speaking out, I hope you get justice and peace.

Well done that very brave.
I can't remember the name of the man who sexually assaulted me when I was 13. I'm 57 now. If I could I'd be reporting it too. Even though he's probably dead now.

This has already caused a massive fall-out between my mother and I. She never protected me, ever.

She actually said to me on the phone last night "If I'm a bad mother for not protecting you, you are a bad daughter for not telling me who raped you."

@Celticliving it’s probably a good idea to revisit your relationship with your mother, especially if you are just now embarking on the process. You need support, not being told you are a “bad daughter”.

A healthy mother would have been devastated and wishing that she had been better able to protect you.