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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Whether to say something

17 replies

Voodoochile · 03/01/2024 15:06

It’s a bit of a long back story but I need advice whether to butt out and mind my own business or quietly say something.

I work pretty closely with a very nice chap. We’ve worked together for 10 years or so and it’s generally just us in the department so we chat a lot about pretty much anything etc. He is just that, a very nice man. Clever, quite serious with a good sense of humour and an all round thoroughly decent fellow. About 5 years ago, his former wife used to work at the same company and had an affair with someone else at our company. It was all a bit of a scandal, the marriage split and the ex wife and her other man moving on to new employment. They now have 50:50 and he seems to be a proper 50:50 dad rather than a maintenance dodging bare minimum overnight only dad (I have one of those and can spot them at 20 paces). This is all water under the bridge now and everything seems to have settled down.

The point of my post is that about 6 months ago he met someone new, his first post marriage relationship, and it sounds like they are absolutely smitten with each other. She has put a real spring in his step and, from what he tells me, she is very happy to work round his kids. Somewhat randomly, someone else I know used to work with her and says she is absolutely wonderful. It all sounds simply great and like a nice man and a nice woman have got together and are busy falling in love. Frankly I am thoroughly delighted for him.

This is my AIBU. Various people in our workplace still know the XW and she has got wind of his new relationship and is furious, absolutely steaming furious. She has supposedly made comments that she doesn’t want him with anyone else, that she is supposed to be his lost love and that she can have him back any time she wants, he shouldn’t be with anyone else, that she is going to force him to end it with her, etc. It’s not ok, she was even threatening to weaponise this kids. She ended the marriage, is still with the OM, but doesn’t want him moving on.

He is oblivious to this and blissfully happy with his lovely new woman, but I really feel like I ought to say something. Even if it is just a quiet heads up that there is gossip. We’re close enough that I can say something, but I don’t want to pass on unfounded rubbish. I really don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Falkenburg · 03/01/2024 15:27

Of course you don't say anything and spread gossip!

TheresaCrowd · 03/01/2024 15:29

Wow, what an amazing send up you've written about them both.

I'm assuming you're the new girlfriend?

No, don't pass on secondhand 'info' and definitely don't use phrases like 'lost love'.

Falkenburg · 03/01/2024 15:29

You've only heard from other people so it's not like the ex wife has addressed you personally!

Words can be made up or twisted when there is gossip!

The ex wife may have said all that or she may have said some of it or she may have said it as a joke or not said any of it at all.

Keep your snout out!

Falkenburg · 03/01/2024 15:30

Never ever be a shit stirrer!

CaineRaine · 03/01/2024 15:31

What will you achieve? It’s all hearsay and literally nothing to do with you.

Janieforever · 03/01/2024 15:31

Are you the new girlfriend? Odd post, of course you don’t spread gossip

Voodoochile · 03/01/2024 15:32

Oh I am definitely not the new girlfriend! I just wanted to make the point that he is not an arsehole and I probably overdid it. There is definitely gossip around work, but I think the advice to not get involved in it is good. If it is true he will find out soon enough I guess.

OP posts:
Lala727 · 03/01/2024 15:32

Why would you, what benefit would it be?

Voodoochile · 03/01/2024 15:34

What benefit? To save him a bit of heartache I suppose.

OP posts:
TheresaCrowd · 03/01/2024 15:34

Why does it matter if he's an arsehole or not? He's still a single man who's allowed to date 🤷‍♂️

Falkenburg · 03/01/2024 15:45

Voodoochile · 03/01/2024 15:34

What benefit? To save him a bit of heartache I suppose.

It won't save him heartache. He's moved in and met someone else!

He will think you are mad or more likely, being sly.

ManateeFair · 03/01/2024 15:47

Voodoochile · 03/01/2024 15:34

What benefit? To save him a bit of heartache I suppose.

How would it save him any heartache? If he doesn't know what his ex-wife's saying, then he can't be upset by it.

You don't even know what's even true in all of this. You are very over-invested in the private life of your colleague. It's a bit weird tbh. You sound like you're actually desperate to get involved in all this.

Annoyed851 · 03/01/2024 17:26

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to consider telling him what his ex is saying at all. If it was a female friend there would be no question. However if he’s blissfully ignorant might he kinder to say nothing, if his ex is going to be a cow being forewarned won’t help, and in any case it’s hopefully been exaggerated. Leave the poor guy in his happiness bubble for as long as possible.

Gnomegnomegnome · 03/01/2024 17:32

I think it depends on whether you see him as a friend or colleague?

I would definitely tell a friend if people are talking about him but I probably wouldn’t interfere if it’s a colleague (partly because I wouldn’t want to be involved, I wouldn’t want to be the messenger and also because it’s not my business).

jeaux90 · 03/01/2024 17:34

If this was more of a friend than a colleague yes I would give him the heads up.

I might dig around a bit first to see if it's true though as it does sound unhinged.

Falkenburg · 03/01/2024 18:20

I also think that a lot of people who have affairs and get caught and end up where the grass i any greener, will spout nonsense in order to save their face. Or rather they think it will save their face.

So if any of it is true and the ex is saying things, the best thing his to not let the gossip grow by repeating it as it only serves to give her air time as it were.

Maybe take a step back from your colleagues personal affairs.

I wonder if you are trying to live vicariously through him and see his new love affair as something you would like to see happen to you and you are projecting your hatred of your ex onto his ex?

MrsO3 · 03/01/2024 18:25

You’re not serious about actually telling him this crap are you? If you are genuinely still asking if you should say something, then NO. Absolutely not. Never ever spread absolute shite like this about. Nope.

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