Birth certificate, a strange one!

[huwbry]

Ex DP left me when pregnant. I gave birth and registered birth alone. I know generally consensus is to keep the man off the certificate if he’s trouble but I strongly believe the certificate is for our child and that his name should be on it. Anyway, the concerns people have with a man on the certificate don’t really apply here, ex sees our child intermittently, is great with gifts etc but wants zero interest in taking them on or having them stay over etc.

Anyway. Our child is now nearly 3. As my parents have said, one day the birth certificate will be relevant to an application form or something random, and our child will see their dad’s name is not on it. I agree that this could be damaging and raise questions for our child that are not nice.

I want to ask ex to add him to the certificate, however, when I raised it a year ago in the car, we got interrupted by a car accident (not ours) and he never mentioned it again. I am worried he will refuse and where does that leave things? I think I will feel quite angry about it as it will leave our child with questions down the line. Ex is not young, so it’s not a case of waiting for him to grow up to understand the implications this could have for our child. But is it a battle worth fighting? Just wondering what others think, maybe I can leave it another year? When will our child likely have access to this anyway?

Then tell your child "because your Daddy and I weren't married, I was not allowed to put his name on the birth certificate. His name could only go on if he came to the appointment to register with me and he didn't do that".

End of. I'm not sure why you're overthinking this. He knows who his Dad is. It's because of the inactions of his Dad, that he's not named on it, so why are you getting stressed over it? This isn't your fault.

@ReadingSoManyThreads just don’t want them harmed in any way by his dysfunction

I think your child will be far more conscious of the fact their father has missed most of their childhood than missing their name from the birth certificate. This isn’t an issue.

Why do you want to protect your child from knowing this? What does that achieve? Your child deserves to know the truth.

You know that this wouldn't supersede their existing birth certificate though, right? You don't even automatically get a new one when you re-register to add the father. The register is updated but you don't get a new certificate. You can buy a new one, but that'll say it's a copy, and they'll need both to apply for things.

This is incorrect.
When you re-register together you relinquish the birth certificate and it is destroyed. You will have to purchase a new one with both parents details on to replace it. The original registration with no father will be annotated so no further copies can ever be obtained from it. The annotation will direct the registrar to the re-registration.

I would not add father at this point. Re-registration can be done at any point if you decide you both want to. Do you want to give him 50/50 parental rights? As he currently parents as much as he wants to, and more than some, why force anything more? I think you are overthinking your child's reaction. If they grow up seeing dad, and spending time with him, and knowing who he is, then a piece of paper changes nothing. At this point, I think it could prove detrimental to you to have him on it. Do you want to have to seek his permission to apply for child's passport and take them away? Do you want to open a potential can of worms re child's surname which can be changed on re-registration?

Seems to me what you have now is working. I wouldn't mess with that!

Nicely OP, if your child’s father is barely on the scene, why would they ask? After a lifetime of an intermittent relationship with their father, they’ll already know the answer. This is real life and likely they will be an adult before they start questioning their birth certificate anyway

@Onabench ok. Thanks. I guess I just want it all to be as perfect and normal as possible but you’re right that’s not real life. I’ve definitely overthought this

Don’t you think that the way they will be harmed by his dysfunction is his inability to act as a responsible parent? The fact that he is a complete fuck-up will not pass them by and his name on a piece of paper is neither here nor there in that respect. They already know he is their father.

Having his name on the birth certificate will simply make it more difficult for you (for example if you want to take your child abroad you will need his permission) and makes no difference to his responsibility to pay child maintenance.

I really wish I hadn’t put my ex on dd1 ,s birth certificate, she has his surname and he hasn’t seen her since she was 5 , she will be 25 this month , putting him on it was one of the worst mistakes of my life.

Or the less abrasive "because we were never married" if you want to protect your DC's feelings.

Although by the time they are old enough to ask the question, they are old enough to hear the truth.

You can buy a new one, but that'll say it's a copy

They are all copies anyway

My DCs have a blank space under father's name.

It's doesn't affect them one bit.

Both know who their father is. One is involved, one isn't.

Fathers having PRR through birth certificates is basically a licence for lifelong domestic abuse to the ex.

If he gets PRR it's almost impossible to remove it.

Do you realise he'd still have PRR & rights to see your DC even if he was convicted of child sexual abuse?

He could dictate where you live, what school your DC goes to, whether they have medical treatment. He could take them abroad and it could be impossible to have them returned.

It's a very powerful document, much more than marriage or any other legal obligation you'll have in your life.

No reason why this is going to be damaging or cause issues , you just tell the truth , "your dad and i had split up at time you were born and i was only one there at time to register birth". Your child is 3 they probably won't see this for many many years and if they even cop it , unless they see another birth cert to compare with it might not even seem strange to them, by then they will know what sort of father they have and how this really isn't surprising.

It may actually be to your advantage in getting passports etc until they are 18.

The questions will come around the age of 3 or 4, I imagine, when your little one sees other Dads doing normal dad stuff (getting drunk, scratching their bollocks on the sofa etc.) and he wonders why he doesn't have that

By the time the BC becomes relevant to him, he'll already have a good picture of the type of person his father his

I agree. He hasn't been present in the child's life, being present on the birth certificate won't change anything.

I don't think your parents are correct OP. Your child knows who his father is, and needing to produce a BC for applications is a non issue. I've had a lot of jobs and rarely been asked for one. When it's needed, it's to verify your date and place of birth, and nobody will be interested in your parents.

My eldest sons father is not in his life, I don’t ever recall him asking about the 3 lines under father on the BC, the fact he met him once was enough of a disappointment I don’t think the BC ever came into it

My dad is not on my birth certificate but he was very present and active in my life. The reason is because my mum didn't want him to be chased for child support! This was back in the 80s so things were probably very different but it's never caused any issues in my life and I don't see why it would tbh 🤔

Definitely over thinking it.
My "father" isn't on mine. Hasn't caused me any issues. And as a pp said, by the time your child knows that the other parent isn't on it, they will be old enough to understand why.
I only needed my birth certificate when I applied for an adult passport, so old enough to know the truth.
Don't chase him to be on it, that sounds like madness

Why? It's the truth. They deserve the truth.

My son's dad wasn't added to his birth certificate until he was 17.
Long story, but I'd met his dad abroad while backpacking in the early 90s, we split before I knew I was pregnant and it took me 16 years to track him down...on the other side of the world.
He didn't need to be there in person to add to the birth certificate in the UK after we reconnected, in 2008, but I did have to have a signed document from him, and it had to be witnessed by a justice of the peace - he's living in Australia.
It was actually a lot more straight forward to add him all those years later than I had expected, despite him not even being in the country.
It was so important for my son to finally have his dad on his birth certificate.