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AIBU?

Let dd live with her dad

12 replies

ZombieBoob · 03/01/2024 09:54

Dd is 14 and is horrible towards me and her brothers. Holes in doors, screaming, threatening to kill me with a knife. Lies that people have hit her. Just horrible stuff I can't list it all. She has adhd. She's in therapy and meditated. Punishments don't work. Have asked ss for help to be told oh your coping well.

She says she wants to live with her dad. Her dad is the same. Currently a non molestation order in place. He smokes weed may be other drugs but no proof. Previous suspicion of him harming his ds. No proof though so nothing came of it. Her dad's partner has had a previous child taken away due to neglect and abuse.

Obviously it's a bad idea but I've no clue what to do. I need to protect the other kids too. She says it's all my fault and needs to let her live with her dad. I'm worried it'll do her more harm. He currently dosent see the youngest kids. I'm worried also that it would give him a foot in the door to see them unsupervised as that wouldn't be the ideal senerio if he took me to court for access.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 03/01/2024 10:03

She's 14. You say no. I understand the difficulties, I also have a child with ADHD. However, that would be a terrible environment for your child. I mean if he took you to court and Cafcass start digging, which they will, he is unlikely to get unsupervised access or at least limited access. I'd invite him to do that. So sorry you're dealing with all of this. It's bloody difficult.

Greenflamesburn · 03/01/2024 10:04

Hugs you have your hands full OP.
Sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place with her. I don't think going to her dad's is the right thing to do from what you have said regarding SS past involvement with himself and new gf.
She threatens you again with a knife or death ring the police. She needs to learn that it is not acceptable behaviour.
If you are paying her therapist I'd find a new one that will help her to engage.

Username123343 · 03/01/2024 10:05

God, no. This sounds really tough but that’s not a solution.

ZombieBoob · 03/01/2024 10:09

Yep 100% not solution but I just don't know how else to tackle this. I've tried love bombing tried punishments. Everything you can think off to help the situation and nothing works. The youngers are starting to pick up her behaviours. Also worried she'll get worse with them. She'll nip them push them over ect.

OP posts:
Username123343 · 03/01/2024 12:31

What support is there in your area? In our area there is an overnight respite place for CYP to use if they need it.

ZombieBoob · 03/01/2024 14:19

I'm not sure if there's anything. We live in the Highlands and there's not alot around here. I'll ask someone. Ss want nothing to do with us. Keep closing our cases whenever I'm referred. Of course she behaves around other people it's just saved for me

OP posts:
Ronettesz · 03/01/2024 14:45

In any other situation where there wasn't the potential for emotional or physical harm, I would say you have no control over this, she's 14 let her go and she may realise she's made a mistake.
However, given his background, the fact she has ADHD and that he currently doesn't see the youngest kids, I'd dig my heels in and say NO in no uncertain terms. Your duty as her parent is to protect and safeguard her and that is what you will be doing.
It is very hard, I know with her behaviour as it currently is and the way she is with the younger siblings, but she's 14, she's not an adult yet and she still needs you. Don't abandon her.

ZombieBoob · 03/01/2024 15:55

It's exactly why its a problem. I'm not being mean I have genuine concerns with safeguarding. Dd just thinks I'm mean and keeping them apart. Should I explain why? Or is she too young to realise what he done before?

OP posts:
Greenflamesburn · 03/01/2024 17:55

Chances are your daughter has rose tinted glasses when it comes to him. Amd will not believe what you say.
No good telling her she will see for herself when she is old enough.

parietal · 03/01/2024 18:00

Look up conduct disorder and demand school and SS help with challenging behaviour. Rewards can be a better motivator than punishment.

caringcarer · 03/01/2024 18:08

You know he smokes weed and there is suspicion he harmed another DC and his partner had kids taken away from her for abuse and neglect and you think it's a good idea to send her to live there? No it's not a good idea. It's a terrible idea. Be firm with her. I take the internet away if any DC misbehaved really badly. They had to earn it back by good behaviour. My 2 elder boys both had ADHD and that is what worked for me, being very firm and encouraging plenty of exercise to burn off energy.

ZombieBoob · 03/01/2024 20:41

She currently has no Internet access already. I honestly have tried being very strict and being midway and doing nothing too as I didn't have the energy. No punishment works. No reward works either. Its like she's missing the part that makes her give a shit.

Also most courts don't care if parents smoke weed now days. So feels like I can't use that as an reason though I hate the stuff.

Thank you to who suggested I speak to school I'll ask them.

OP posts:
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